A
male
age
30-35,
*ndyboy
writes:I'm having a slight problem, and mainly just need some words of advice and support.I'm 19, turning 20 soon and I met a girl online sometime around 9 months ago, at first it was just friendly talk and me trying to cheer her up (she's had a very hard life, lots of abuse, cheating boyfriends, harassment from everyone in school, alcoholism, etc...) but it grew into mutual love for each other. She told me she was only 15, which kind of scared me away at first until I realized it didn't matter. After a month of long-distance dating she called crying to tell me she lied and she was only 14, but turning 15 in 4 months. She lives about 500 miles away in another state, but I have already visited once and plan on visiting again. The problem being her mother doesn't approve of her being with someone so old, so we've had to meet in secret every time. She has told me she wants to lose her virginity to me, and I feel very special and honored about it, but with the ages I feel we need to wait until she is 18 before we do anything at all, but she continues to insist that nothing will happen, we won't get caught, and that everything will be fine. I don't know quite how to tell her firm enough, but still show her I care, that I don't want to yet. I know all too well the laws here, prison time and registering as a sex-offender doesn't sound like a fair tradeoff to make love to her. I'm positive we're going to last, and probably end up being married, but for now I don't know what to do to help the time pass until she can move out on her own.Like I said, I kinda know what to do, just need advice and support. Thank you. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Lizzie-Beth  +, writes (17 June 2010):
i'm in the same situation except not the sex part. i'm 14 nearly 15 i'm in love with this 18 nearly 19 year old guy. keep it slow, love isnt just physical. your love isnt going to die over time if its true.
i know how it feels, thinking if only i had met them 2 years later... its not wrong. 25 and 30 dont sound wrong its only because she is under-age.
i understand everything your going through, your love will over come anything.
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (17 June 2010):
 You know what happens to rapists in jail, right? STAY AWAY!
PS: The fact that she lied about her age is evidence that she's not as mature as you think she is.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (16 June 2010):
 There is this show To Catch a Predator with Chris Hasen, Its a show where a person pretends to be a minor and she chit chats with an adult male and they set up a date, the guy shows up and than he gets arrested..they never had sex but it was still a crime. Be careful stay away from her she is a child she should be dating 15 or 16 year old.
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A
male
reader, andyboy +, writes (16 June 2010):
andyboy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice everyone, you have all reassured what I was thinking. I need to take a step back and save myself, age normally doesn't matter, but when she is this young it does.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 June 2010):
 YIKES! I have only two words for you: STATUTORY RAPE. She is way too young for you, and as much as the two of you are attached to one another, you have to end the relationship.
Even texting her or IMming her about sexual topics can get you into serious legal trouble even if you don't intend to have sex with her. That's called Soliciting lewd acts on a minor. It doesn't matter if she brings it up or you do. You're in a bad situation if you've let the conversation turn to sex. And you already have, haven't you? She's talking about losing her virginity to you, and I'm sure your response wasn't "Stop this line of conversation immediately!".
She has 4 years until she can legally consent to sexual relations with you. By then, you'll be 23-24 with a different outlook on life. She could also have a different outlook on life too by that time.
Right now, you're trying to "rescue" her and comfort her from her hard life. I'm sorry, but this isn't the basis on which to start a meaningful and mutually equal and lasting relationship. She has the mind of a young teenager and you are entering young adulthood.
Face it though, you're a horny guy, and you are playing with fire that can and will seriously ruin your life, personally and professionally. Somehow, the feelings of love fade away when you have to go register as a sex offender.
You've already visited her for god's sake! What if she visited you, then had sex with someone else and then framed you with it??? Goodbye, life. You need to RUN away from this and find a girl your own age.
You're in a heap of trouble. You're a lobster in a boiling pot, and you need to jump out of the pot before you're sex offender stew.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): As a sixteen-year-old girl, here's my two cents. I am not going to judge you. It's only a 5 year age difference, and if you do end up married in the future it's not going to matter, at all. However all you can do for now is show your devotion to her, as a friend/confident, and not make her situation any worse by getting yourself into legal trouble. Tell her the truth: you know she feels ready, but legally it's guaranteed to destroy your relationship, and if anyone finds out (which they almost certainly will, whether she tells someone, or something else goes wrong) you will not be able to be together in any way for a long time. I can't imagine either of you wants that.I understand that because of the hardship in her life she is far more emotionally mature that most girls her age, so I completely condone you having a relationship, as long as it isn't sexual until she reaches legal age. If something happens and the police find out it will be a huge source of trauma for her; something she obviously doesn't need right now.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (16 June 2010):
 If you truly care for her and want to do what is best for her, then you must do the right thing. You are the adult in this situation, so you can't let her dictate what to do because she's young and just letting her infatuation influence her. You must be level headed. What kind of a relationship is one based on sneaking around? She deserves to have her family involved. So do you. My recommendation is to just leave her be. But if you MUST have her in your life, do so strictly as friends. Chat with her as you do, and be there for her. Be her best friend even, but ONLY her friend. If your friendship is strong enough than surviving 3 years shouldn't be difficult. Be a part of each other's life and when the time comes when it is LEGAL, then you can see what happens from there.
Do not let your emotions guide you on this. You must use the head that is ON YOUR SHOULDERS. Be a man, do what is right. If you MUST see her, do it the right way.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (16 June 2010):
 By the time she reaches 18, you will be 24.
In the next 4 years, you will meet a LOT of women the same age as you, who are ready to have a proper adult relationship.
Can you truthfully say you will be able to ignore all those women to wait for this 14 year old, who may in 2 years time decide she doesnt want you?
You are far too old for this girl. You are a grown man. She is still a child. Walk away and be the grown up here.
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A
male
reader, andyboy +, writes (16 June 2010):
andyboy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTrust me, both of those have gone through my mind plenty of times. I'm not meeting anymore without her parents approval, which means we probably won't see each other until she's old enough to move out.
I know the age difference is a lot too, but I'm willing to stay with her as she matures and grows. (Even though she's already much more mature than any girl I've met around my age or even older)
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 June 2010):
 A 20 year old sneaking around with a 14 year old. What's your plan of action when her parents catch you?
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (16 June 2010):
I really think you should not be dating a 14 year old period. It does not matter if you live in African and she is in the states. She is not in the same maturity level as you, she is still a child and as a child she could easily be fooled and manipulated. You are an adult and she is a child please make the right decision and leave her alone.
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A
female
reader, BGplusMC +, writes (16 June 2010):
Well let me first say Im very proud of u to realize the effects of having sex w/ her and that u respect her and yourself enough to wait till shes 18. Your smart and mature and shes a young girl weather shes in love w/ u or not shes a child and doesnt know the first thing about the law. SHes blinded by love, which isnt a bad thing when your just kissing but its something else when your having sex and puting YOURSELF at risk. Yes YOURSELF though realtionships are a 2 way street u guys having sex effects YOU not her. SO just keep telling her no its so simple to say N-O b/c if u dont it could cause u to end up behind bars. One more thing if u wait u may find when shes 18 the sex is all that more special b/c u waited for it.
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