A
male
age
41-50,
*hought_I_KnewSomething
writes:My wife if nearly three years, and the mother of our 6 month old, was engaged before we were married. She was also proposed to several times. When we were dating, she told me that one serious boyfriend who proposed, she denied him and they broke up. Last week, she decided to admit to me that, actually, she told him "I don't know," and then wore his engagement ring for several months, before breaking it off.So, she lied to me the first time about their relationship. I feel betrayed, but I don't know how to talk to her about this without getting so angry that I want a separation... which I do, but don't know if I should for the sake of our daughter. Also, she's putting me through grad school. Please help. Thank you.
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male
reader, Thought_I_KnewSomething +, writes (5 September 2011):
Thought_I_KnewSomething is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll, thanks for sticking with me on that one. I appreciate your time and insight.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): All of the answers are basically the same. You are over reacting. Take a chill pill.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 September 2011):
 I'm sorry, but I don't see how this is important. You're over reacting. If you don't think you're over reacting and that your response to this, having a separation, is completely legit, then by all means go ahead.
But you came here to check first, and the answer is echoing: yes, you are over reacting.
Why? Because the details of what's and when's are unimportant. He proposed, she ended up saying no. She had some months to think about it. Hardly what I'd call an engagement.
But even so. If she had said yes, and then no, what difference does it make? She still ended up at no, which isn't lying to you, because she did tell you she told him no. Which she did. What was the problem again?
You worry she'll do it again? You worry she'll get proposed to while married to you and say "maybe", and then wear a big ring for some months while married to you, but lie to you and tell you she said no? Don't worry. You'll know if she does, because there'll be a new diamond on her finger to rant her out. Excuse me for ridiculing the situation, but that's exactly what you have been saying. Perhaps you'll see how silly of an idea that is.
Something else is bothering you perhaps, and you don't know what, so you're jumping on this issue to try and let some steam out. The baby is probably adding pressure, as well as the first 3 years of marriage being the worst, from what I hear. Thoughts of separation aren't unusual at the beginning. Just don't say the words out loud, and certainly do not say the words "divorce" or "separation" in front of your wife.
This problem of yours is nothing, It's worthless and time consuming picking at details. That's my take on it anyways, and for the love of me I can't understand what the drama is all about. Relax. You'll get through this.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 September 2011):
 I have a hard time seeing it your way, to me engaged is when you say YES ! and pick a wedding date and go meet the parents and stuff. Your wife said " I don't know " and just wore the ring a few months , probably tryng all the time to find a way to let him down easy. Passive aggressive ? Yes. Officially engaged ? Debatable. As Tisha says, probably she feels guilty for how she acted in this occasion and it's likely that's the reason why she never brought it up .
You sound a "black and white " kind of person , life is often more nuanced. Maybe your wife never saw it as " an important life decision ", more like some kind of a mess she had to get out of .
Anyway, you have got a relevant point : ultimately , it's important... what we think it's important. It's up to us to decide where we draw the line . If you absolutely draw it at white lies or " adjusting " facts , no matter what the reason behind it may be, that's your prerogative and, yes, it does not leave you many options beside splitting up.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (3 September 2011):
 Then perhaps a separation is good idea for you.
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A
male
reader, Thought_I_KnewSomething +, writes (3 September 2011):
Thought_I_KnewSomething is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFolks, I appreciate the time you've clearly spent offering me much needed advice.But let me be clear: this isn't a jealousy problem. I have no problem with who's ring she wore or when, or with what guy.My problem is that she always told me they weren't engaged, when they were. And that isn't a white lie, that is a deliberate deception about a very serious life choice. It makes me wonder if she would do it again to "protect me from harm" or something.I do agree that I am overreacting, and stressed out because of school, but I also think my concern is legitimate: that she kept the truth from me about something important. If you found out your spouse was previously engaged, but had always maintained they weren't, I think you would react similarly.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 September 2011):
 Maybe she feels badly for the way she treated the poor guy and has deep feelings of guilt. My guess is it makes her deeply uncomfortable to think about how deeply she must have wounded him. She probably didn't like that particular aspect of herself and didn't offer it up for judgement because she's already kicked herself down one side of the street and back up the other side.
In fact, she's probably trying to block that memory and not access it, as it would be a reminder at how badly one person can hurt another.
Do you feel you have the capability to experience empathy for her?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 September 2011):
I don't mean it in a sarcastic way, I am serious : I think you are stressed out because of grad school. Combined with the new baby....lots of pressures in your life so maybe you are tense and you blow out of any reasonable proportion an irrelevant accident.
With a new baby , you think of separation because of something like that ? this is not overreacting, this OVERREACTING , all capitals.
So, maybe your wife has not been totally factually accurate- what's the big deal. Was she supposed to give you the blow by blow account of her every thought and move in anything that happened before you ? She gave you the gist, which is, she refused to marry him.
Maybe she said a little white lie because she knows your inclination to overreacting and wanted to avoid the pandemonium you are making now. Maybe she did not think it was much relevant and just gave you the synopsis.
Like, suppose I tell you " I dated John for 3 years ". Well, actually it was more 2 years and eleven months, plus we took a 15 days break at the beginning, and we broke up for 3 months then got back together . So , to be factually
correct, I should say " I dated John for 2 years, 7 months and 15 days ". But, unless you were an historian writing my biography, I would not feel that "3 years " gives you a misrepresentation of my experience with John.
And, anyway, why in the world after nearly 3 years of marriage are you still discussing her past engagements of when she did not even know you ? haven't you got anything better to talk about ?... Like, your future together ? your plans and hopes for your new baby ?...Stuff like that ?
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 September 2011):
My answer still applies and yes you're overreacting. Her previous engagements are a thing of the past. It doesn't matter that she told you about the second one right away and the first years later. So what? They don't apply to you. You've conjured up this retroactive jealousy for details your wife failed to tell you about her dating past, that has nothing to do with you! As I've said before, if she wore the engagement ring while you two were dating then you'd have something to be upset about.
Do you really think you should give up your life with your spouse over this minor detail?? I don't think so. Unless your problems with your wife run deeper than just previous engagements. You now know the details, now let it go.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (2 September 2011):
 Yeah, I think you are. She did deny him. She just said "I don't know" first, and then decided no. She never said yes.
Before my husband, I had a guy propose to me long ago and far away. It was the same thing. He asked - I thought "no", but felt bad so I said, "I don't know" - and then figured out how to say no to him. He had given me this diamond sort of promise/engagement ring, which I wore. He didn't want it back afterwards (he was a sweetheart, we're still good friends. He was even a groomsman at my wedding!), and I wore it for probably 6 months after we broke up. Accessories, I love them. Anyway, I digress.
Everyone else's advice is still relevant - don't get hung up on a little white lie (and, it's not as if she said "absolutely I'll marry you!!" and then the relationship went south), and something that happened years ago. You've had a good marriage, made a cute baby - so what if she begrudgingly wore a ring for a few months only to reject him.
You're overreacting, friend. Good luck!
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male
reader, Thought_I_KnewSomething +, writes (2 September 2011):
Thought_I_KnewSomething is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFolks,
First, thanks for responding.
Of course I have no problem with her being engaged (twice) before we were together. Nor do I care that she was proposed to several times. In fact, it's flattering that she chose me. That's normal. That's life. And, that's not my question.
The question centers around the fact that she never told me about her first engagement. Her second one, yes, but not her first. That one, she told me he proposed and she said no and broke up with him. Whatever, no big deal. But now, three years and a baby later she tells me actually didn't say No right away, but wore the ring for three months, and everyone thought they were engaged. I feel betrayed. Am I overreacting?
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 September 2011):
If she didn't cheat on you and wear this engagement ring while she was dating you then what's the problem? So what if she was proposed to by several other men? You are the one she chose to marry and have a life with.
It's a thing of the past...the only thing that matters is the future you two have together.
Before getting separated, might I suggest marriage counseling first. It does help to openly communicate with your spouse and lay your feelings out on the table.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (1 September 2011):
 It certainly sounds like she decided to play down the seriousness of her previous relationship(s). While you did catch her in a lie, I would sort of think this is a white lie and she was protecting you from the knowledge that she had serious boyfriends before you.
While this doesn't make it any easier for you, I think you have to realize that she was telling the lie to protect your feelings.
She chose you and she has given you a child. Are you really going to hold a transgression that she did out of love for you over her head?
I think you need to give yourself some time to get over the shock that perhaps she was at one point considering marrying another man. It sounds like you knew she had previous lovers / proposals before you.
For whatever reason it didn't work out and she's chosen YOU over all the others. How could you not be happier?
Please give yourself some time and realize you really weren't betrayed but are being loved.
Good luck.
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