A
male
age
30-35,
majray1
writes:My girlfriend of 6 years just left me 5 weeks ago. She was with me all the time right after work and weekends. She seemed fine and same as normal. On saturday night she came over then went to baby sit like she always did now and again. I spoke to her later that night and she and I sent text message saying good night, love you, speak to you tomorrow same as normal. The next day came over and said that my dad and stepmom had been saying stuff about me. I don't know what but must be bad as they have done it before and also to my brother and his wife and caused big arguments. Two days later she sent her car back and changed her phone number. My brother spoke to her and she said it was because of what my dad/stepmom had said, me being depressed a bit for last few years and me not working for 2 years even though at the moment I don't know what I want to do for work. Money is no problem, I even lend money to her all time. Also stupid things I did years ago but she forgave me for (I have never been with anyone else.) and just my family interfering and her feeling drained. The only numbers I have for her now are her mum and dads where she lives and work number and I don't want to call there. She won't talk to me or reply to letters I have sent. I didn't know she was upset or fed up with me, she didn't tell or talk to me about it and I really don't know what to do. I don't know if she has someone else. Maybe she has but I don't really know when she would have had time. I just need to talk to her. It seems a shame to give up on 6years when I didn't know how I was was affecting her. Any advice or help would be appreciated.
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male
reader, majray1 +, writes (29 December 2007):
majray1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your reply eyesramazing, i have been bit depressed for few because on dec 22nd 2004 my mum past and had to sort everything on xmas eve with no help from brothers and felt bit guilty because few years before had fight and then never saw her really or was same after that and we were close, my company i had was not going to well and so closed in in dec 2005,went and retrained in april in plumbing then half way through grandad past away and had to sort everything again with no help.had to go back to were was doing retraining 4 months later for final exams but got letter saying they had closed and had to find some were else to take it.just everything really and then not knowing if and what i wanted to do any more,got in a rut, money is no problem as have enough and never was problem. i don't know. sorting self out talking to someone about different things and will be getting some kind of job soonish. but she doesn't care or love me any more, have to move on but really hard, wish i could fix things with her.
A
female
reader, eyesramazing  +, writes (28 December 2007):
You know... I read this entry a few days ago and it's still on my mind, so I decided to respond. First of all, I hope that you are dealing with things a little better. Your family needs to stay out of your relationship. It's not healthy for you or your personal relationships. I do not know why you have been depressed for the past couple of years or why you are not working. I feel that this could be an issue with your girlfriend. Get some help! Get out of bed and get a job or volunteer in your community. Having a purpose in life will do wonders for your emotional state. I'm not certain that your relationship with this woman is over. Perhaps she is letting you know that she will not be a part of your "pity party" any longer. Give her some time, then you can think about trying to make contact with her, but get something positive going on for yourself first. This will show her an act of good faith. Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  + ♥, writes (27 December 2007):
 Majray1, my advice, again, is that you stop trying to communicate with her. Your attitude will border on harassment, and this would only ADD and WORSEN your problem. Sometimes it's wise to accept that we can't keep insisting.
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A
male
reader, majray1 +, writes (27 December 2007):
majray1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni'm having problems just forgetting and moving on from my ex, i really need to talk to her,called yesterday her little brother answered then past it her mum,she said she was out,just wanted to say merry xmas hope you had nice boxing day and are ok,so said to her mum instead.i really need to talk to her and not other people then telling me what ever.she can be really stubborn but maybe she won't talk also because she may be has someone else and scared to say.i don't care if she has,well do a bit,but need to talk to her about everthing so when i see someone and talk about my issues problems i know what they are and can fix them.how do i get her to talk really need to,have sent letters but nothing,i know i have to move on and forget about it all but so hard,this isn't right after 6 years she can't and won't talk to me only for a bit.
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A
male
reader, majray1 +, writes (27 December 2007):
majray1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you baby duck for all your advise. i know this is very hard for me to just let go.and that she is now happy and content with what ever she want's to do even if it's not with me because of myself being depressed and other problems that i did not really think were affecting me or her, but they have been and if she had never just left 5 weeks ago i would be still going on now saying pretending nothing was wrong and would never have realised my problems and started to get help and talk to someone about them all.i know they won't be fix over night and will probably take a long time,but am trying for me,just wish that to make me realise she hadn't of had to leave me and would talk and give me a chance.which she won't.so have to move on even though it is so hard and i love her and miss her not just as girlfriend but friend as well.never mind.move on.thank you.
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A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (27 December 2007):
 Oh majray1 ... I am so pleased to hear that you are already making a positive out of this pain ... the things that you are learning about yourself. There is no one person in your life more important than yourself. It sounds terribly self-centered and I don't mean it that way at all. You will come to understand what I mean, if you do not already. When you get a few things sorted out, it will make all of your important relationships more authentic. People that you love and love you in return may not know what to do with the *real* you and there will be growing pains. Argh! I know! I'm there myself, but it truly is a wondrous thing and you will gain such insight, such a new appreciation for everything ... even the pain. Buck up! You can do this! More power to you ... and know that you are paving the way for an incredible relationship in the future, the one with yourself and one with someone that will truly connect with you at such a level that you will reflect on this time as being a Godsend. Painful, yes, but many Godsends are ...
Best wishes and more power to you!
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A
male
reader, majray1 +, writes (26 December 2007):
majray1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much baby duck and danielepew for your reply,i know and relise were you are coming from about lack of communication in relationship, i really had now idea that we didn't talk about how we both felt,we used to say things to each other but not properly and go through stuff about how we felt or were thinking,i know that it was not a waste of time really our 6 years together its just very hard to know and realise it's over and that she will not talk or anything,it's seems a shame,i am going to see a councillor,just started been 3 times in week to sort try sort out problems,not just this but thing's from 7 years old when mum/dad split and all stuff in between.didn't know or realise i was affecting her how i was and just thought and said all time i'm ok, it's good in a way she has left like this because i would never have realised or done anything about myself and try sort any problems i have. it's just a shame it has had to be like this for me to realise i buggered up and can't make any thing better or get a chance to make things up to her.just have to try moving on,even though it is really hard.once again thank you to everyone who has replied and advise.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew + ♥, writes (26 December 2007):
I'm with Baby Duck once again. I think my saying "Me, too" is a way of adding strength to Baby Duck's excellent advice.
Sometimes people prefer to believe the lies or the bad stories over what they were able to see in you. I know for a fact that this is terrible. But, life is unfair. You need to go on anyways.
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A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (26 December 2007):
Hey majray1 ...
A couple of important things that you need to know, and this is not my opinion, but fact, so please read it carefully and let it digest:
1) although the relationship is over, that does not mean the last six years were a waste. It is not turning out the way you thought or hoped or planned, but that does not mean that the last six years were of no value. Irrelevant of your personal philosophies, religious beliefs or scientific theories, while you are on this planet, you are a learning, growing organism. There are times of joy, times of sorrow, but mostly it's just the stuff of life in between, and that stuff is never a waste.
2) you cannot change the facts of the past, but you can learn different lessons of your own choosing, and you can decide which perspective to follow. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it is difficult. It still remains: it is YOUR choice to do with life experiences what you will.
Finally, if lies were perpetuated about you by vile people, and your ex girlfriend chose to believe them without discussing it with you, it just proves once again, that there were serious communication glitches in your relationship. If she left over lies, that is but fall out of the real problem. The real problem is ... lack of communication, and it's probably been there all along.
I wish you peace.
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A
male
reader, majray1 +, writes (26 December 2007):
majray1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit's really good advise from eveyone and that i need to move on and try forgetting about her but is very hard when i love her so much not just as girlfriend but was and seemed a good firend as well,somethingeasy said would be hard `to get over as only ever had one girl,got that bit wrong, as i have been with lots of other girls and sort of longish for when your younger, one was 1 one year half longeset before this one of 6 years. but still good advise and am realy grateful,just wish she would talk so could find out everything and if there was then possiblity of making things up,i know it's all to late for her but would have been nice for some kind of chance,but suppose i just have to forget about her and move on, which is very hard.can wish forever about wanting and changing things but nothing i can do.shame 6 years has just gone like this.thanks to everyone for there replies,even though sometimes it is hard to hear what people say.thanks.
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A
male
reader, Somethingeasy +, writes (26 December 2007):
 Its a shame that things can end up like this. All the stuff she did is probally an excuse she used to. Mabey she wanted everything to end. The fact that you have been with only one girl is going to mke this harder to let go of.
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A
male
reader, majray1 +, writes (26 December 2007):
majray1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your answers they are a help even if at the moment it is very hard to move on and i would do anything to talk and see if there was anything to try fixing and sorting out what problems we had.it just seems a real waste of 6 years when she wasn't just a girlfriend she was a friend as well. but there is nothing i can do any more it's all to late. but thank you for you advise and have a happy new year.
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A
male
reader, Diimo +, writes (26 December 2007):
 The bottom line is you need to find out what was said to her about you. Because your version of what your dad/stepmom have told her will obviously be different. Because it sure sounds like whatever they told her has shook her enough to break a stable 6 year relationship. If they're saying untrue or slanted things about you then you owe it to yourself to set the record straight. Stop just wondering...have your brother or someone else get the real story from her then! Perhaps she can communicate with you indirectly by email if you end up thinking the issue could be cleared. If you can find out what the issue is then decide if you need to move on to the next step of closure. But really, that is a horrible way to end a long term relationship...without even a reason why. That 'why'? could be the only real closure you get and perhaps even need. Otherwise prepare to move on with or without it... Treat your depression, get a direction in life and generally work on improving yourself to help get through this.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew + ♥, writes (26 December 2007):
Excellent advice from Baby Duck, particularly as to the fact that sometimes you have no closure but you need to go on. This is exactly what you need to do now.
I just would like to add an experience of mine. Sometimes, you need to go on, and the closure you needed comes to you. One day, for some reason you see the light. It's a matter of being patient, I guess. Sometime, your heart will make sense of all this. In the meantime, as it's impossible to achieve that now, you just have to go on. Just as Baby Duck recommended you to.
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A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (26 December 2007):
Well, you are looking for closure, but she does not seem willing to give it to you. I am sorry about that.
Something I have been learning this year, and it may or may not help you: sometimes there is no closure. Sometimes you and the other person talk, and you each think you're being clear, but neither person seems to 'get' what the other person is saying. It's that very lack of communication that could have contributed to the end of your relationship.
I know you feel like you got hit in the head and never saw it coming. That hurts and makes it so much harder to let go. But, let go you must, because she's already walked away.
Busy yourself with hobbies, other people, taking a class ... also, allow yourself time to grieve for the relationship you thought you had. Allow yourself time alone to feel all the different emotions, because they're all justified and they're probably intertwined and confusing as hell. Also, write in a journal about your thoughts and feelings. It's a release. It helps them have a place to go so they don't just swim 'round and 'round in your head.
Best wishes.
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