A
male
age
30-35,
*animal20
writes:Hey there everyone, I have been going out with a girl for 9 months and we just recently broke up. She was saying that she is too immature to be in a relationship. She just wasnt ready for any commitment. I wasnt asking much of her. She wanted to hang out with a friend that she was about to get into a relationship with before i asked her out and she would hang out with him once a week and take her to a youth group with him. She told me i had nothing to worry about and so i was like, okay watever do wat you want. So then she has a little kickback at her house and he comes through. He bassically is trying to mark his territory in front of me. Everyone in the room noticed, but she was not believing it. We settled that problem i told her that i dont care that she hangs out with this guy, but if anything happens, its on ur shoulders. Her and i we had such a great time together, i took her to san francisco to watch the 49ers and ive taken her up to San Diego to visit her father, witch is a 9 hr drive... twice... met her whole family, and they all loved me, even her father. Met everyone in her family and they all gave her compliments like, oh my god! You did so good! Hes perfect! Hes not a dummy and he actually is mature! Stuff like that. So then after about 5 months we got into little arguments, it wasnt anything big at all. There was a time when she asked me to stop smoking ciggarettes in front of her, so i said, ok ill stop. So then one day we were hanging out and she was like, okay im gonna get going, and i was restringing my guitar so i was already preoccupied, so i replied saying, oh where ya headed to? And she said, im gonna go hang out with a friend, and i said (in a nice way) who you hanging out with? And she replies, im not telling you. I looked at her like, "Really?" and i was like aight, watever, so i walk her to her car and she tries to kiss me goodbye and i didnt let her, and i tried closing the door when she was in her car, but she held it open and i said, get outa here, go meet up ur friend. And then she left, so then 5 mins later she texts me saying "Dont be mad please" and i said. "Tough shit i am." So then later that night i said that we needed to talk. And guess this shit, SHE DIDNT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! So i said no were talking about it, cuz whenever u have a problem with me you make it known, so plain and short i said, listen if your gonna be hiding things from me, and playing a james bond role, then im gonna break up with you. She started crying and said i dont want to loose you, and she said shes gonna work on it. later i asked her what she wanted to do for her birthday, and she said, well you and i already have plans, i might have something with my friends. that means (4-5 guys and 2 girls) these 4 guys have had major crushes on her and have either made out with her in the past(before we dated) and i was like, well am i invited? And she said no. And i was like okay wat the hell? she said that it would make her uncomfortable for me to be there with all her guy friends, i told her to suck it up and stop caring about their feelings, the only persons feeling u shud care about is mine. Because shes has wanted me for 3 YEARS!!!! She wanted me for so damn long!!! This is confusing as fuck! The last problem that happened was this, I had arranged to take her with my band on a 2 day festival that just so happend to be on her b day witch is a week away. My uncle from canada called me and was like, hey you and ur brothers should come down and come to this thing, and i was like, i got plans already. So i turned to my gf for advice. and i told her watsup, and i said i kinda wana bail on the show and go to canada, and she was like, well do watever u want to do, and i was like alright, so then she text me 5 mins later saying, im not going with you on my bday to ur festival, and i was like why? and she said u were gonna not hang out with me on my bday and cancel plans? and i was like listen i already made my mind the original plan is gonna stay in effect, im not going to canada, so get this, she was pissed that i considered going? EVEN THO I WASNT!!!! So then a week later i was able to sense that something wasnt going to end well. She text me saying hey are u gonna be home tomoro? and i said yeah, long story short, she came over, looked at me hella sad, and was like im too immature to be in a relationship. And she text me 2 days later asking how i was doing, and i said im doing alright, how bout u, she said shes ok. She said she still wants to be friends and that shes been thinking about me all day of everyday since the breakup, she wants us to be friends because we have the same friends. I just want to know if i should keep having feelings for this girl, i mean i still love her, i just dont know if she loves me, we talked on the fone last night and i said so how u been? snd she was like, good im just been sad, ive been thinking about you alot, and i said yeah likewise, and i made it sound like she wasnt getting me down, and i was like yeah ive been doing this this and that, and i made her laugh a bit, and i was like, so your gonna have some fun this summer, and she was like, No Were gonna have fun this summer, and i was like lol ok saounds good. So i dont know if im just gonna be that guy she had a relationship with for 9 months, or something else. She said shes not gonna date because she doesnt want a relationship, if i find out that she is in a relationship, shes out of my life for good. So my guestion is... do i have a good gameplan? I told her that no matter what we are relationship wise that i will ne there for her, and she responded saying "Im glad =)" And so i said well it sounds like your gonna have a fun summer this summer, and she said, "No were gonna have lots of fun this summer" and i was like ight, well im cool with that, and she wants me to go to a wedding with her also, I told her that im gonna have strong feelings for you no matter what and that i dont want her to think that im completely out of her life. She said that she wants us to be close, and i want to show her in a subtle way that im still here. How does this sound to you guys? Please help me out.
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male
reader, Danimal20 +, writes (7 June 2010):
Danimal20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionListen... Basically she wanted me to blindly trust her. I know that i had a good reason to react the way i did. And you know what this was her first serious relationship. She needed the experience to see how shit goes. Leme ask you something, what would YOU do if you were going out with a guy, and u guys were hangin out just chillin and he was like, okay i gotta go babe, and u were all like, ight cool, where ya off to? And he responds, "I dont want to tell you" How would you react? I think i know, you would be like, okay well fuck you, give him the death stare, and then u guys would text a bit here and there talking about what just happened, and then you would get fed up with it, and then you would probably go and do something stupid. Ami right or am i right? If i let her walk all over me and just have her do watever she wants without me even giving a shit, it would have been much worse. What i did at least showed her that i cared. Now listen. You do have a little bit of a point. I might have acted a little to harsh on some situations, it hurt me to have to react that way towards her, but at the same time i know it had to be done. Now ive been giving it alot of thought, and i actually just had a bbq with her and my friends yesterday. Things went great. But she was hurting and i could tell. Now, dont get me wrong, ive been hurting as well. I have given her all the space in the world, i seriously dont text or call her. She has texted me first, and i respond with a normal response, nothing short, and nothing long. I have learned that woman need their space, especially after a break up. I have a plan of what to do to get her back, becuase i love this girl. The next time that we just so happen to hang out with our friends, im just gonna wait for the moment where her and i just so happen to be talking alone, because im pretty sure shes gonna want to ask me how ive been doing and what not and talk about things. Im gonna tell her everythings been going good. And im gonna tell her this. This time that we have had apart has got me realizing lots of stuff. In particular it got me realizing what you and I can have in a relationship. I naturally accept the fact that you can have a double life and have a life with your friends, and a life with your boyfriend, and have a life with your family. It only makes me happy to know that you are happy. I want to show you a new person that can give you happiness in a relationship, and show you that it just makes me happy to know that you can hang out with your friends and what not even though they dont like me, but none of that matters to me. As long as you are happy then that makes me happy. I am not changing myself to do this. I have naturally understood that this is how things should be and lets not take it seriously, because thats what i thought i wanted, but these 2 weeks we have had apart got me thinking, hey, im young, your young, it was wrong of me to put this much strain on you. (But deep down inside, i dont feel that bad that i did because that shows her that i care about her, alot) I want to be able to have you in my life as my girlfriend, and i want to be your man, and let me show you a new side of me that you havent seen before. Im not gonna ask her to give me an answer right on the spot. Im just gonna ask her to think about it, and make it not that big of a deal. Ya feel me?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): Listen... Basically she wanted me to blindly trust her. I know that i had a good reason to react the way i did. And you know what this was her first serious relationship. She needed the experience to see how shit goes. Leme ask you something, what would YOU do if you were going out with a guy, and u guys were hangin out just chillin and he was like, okay i gotta go babe, and u were all like, ight cool, where ya off to? And he responds, "I dont want to tell you" How would you react? I think i know, you would be like, okay well fuck you, give him the death stare, and then u guys would text a bit here and there talking about what just happened, and then you would get fed up with it, and then you would probably go and do something stupid. Ami right or am i right? If i let her walk all over me and just have her do watever she wants without me even giving a shit, it would have been much worse. What i did at least showed her that i cared. Now listen. You do have a little bit of a point. I might have acted a little to harsh on some situations, it hurt me to have to react that way towards her, but at the same time i know it had to be done. Now ive been giving it alot of thought, and i actually just had a bbq with her and my friends yesterday. Things went great. But she was hurting and i could tell. Now, dont get me wrong, ive been hurting as well. I have given her all the space in the world, i seriously dont text or call her. She has texted me first, and i respond with a normal response, nothing short, and nothing long. I have learned that woman need their space, especially after a break up. I have a plan of what to do to get her back, becuase i love this girl. The next time that we just so happen to hang out with our friends, im just gonna wait for the moment where her and i just so happen to be talking alone, because im pretty sure shes gonna want to ask me how ive been doing and what not and talk about things. Im gonna tell her everythings been going good. And im gonna tell her this. This time that we have had apart has got me realizing lots of stuff. In particular it got me realizing what you and I can have in a relationship. I naturally accept the fact that you can have a double life and have a life with your friends, and a life with your boyfriend, and have a life with your family. It only makes me happy to know that you are happy. I want to show you a new person that can give you happiness in a relationship, and show you that it just makes me happy to know that you can hang out with your friends and what not even though they dont like me, but none of that matters to me. As long as you are happy then that makes me happy. I am not changing myself to do this. I have naturally understood that this is how things should be and lets not take it seriously, because thats what i thought i wanted, but these 2 weeks we have had apart got me thinking, hey, im young, your young, it was wrong of me to put this much strain on you. (But deep down inside, i dont feel that bad that i did because that shows her that i care about her, alot) I want to be able to have you in my life as my girlfriend, and i want to be your man, and let me show you a new side of me that you havent seen before. Im not gonna ask her to give me an answer right on the spot. Im just gonna ask her to think about it, and make it not that big of a deal. Ya feel me?
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (7 June 2010):
You've decided that it's all her fault and you are obviously very angry about it. I'm not going to get you to think any other way so there is no point me trying.
When you have calmed down and figured out what you actually want advice on then come back and I'll give it another go.
At the moment you just want one more person to say "Gosh, how could she do this??" and Pat you on the head and take your side. I'm not going to do that. Sorry.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, Danimal20 +, writes (1 June 2010):
Danimal20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionListen. We had so much fun. Every single person i have talked to about this has told me that she was just too immature to be in a relationship. If you want to be committed to someone you need to both work on things. She didnt want to work on things, she wanted to do things her way. You dont know what type of girl she is. I even asked her, If i havent been putting any effort into the relationship, then would we still be going out? She replied saying no i would get pissed that you dont hit me up as much and that you let me do whatever i want. She bassically said that if i didnt show her that i can put my foot down, she wouldve left me a long time ago. She just needs to experience more relationships i guess, and of course shes gonna have make out buddies or a friend with benifits, and i dont care, all i know is that later shes gonna think, damn, i had something good, and he treated me so good, and i cant believe that i left him because i didnt want to work things out. You have to understand, she didnt want to work anything out! I sacraficed things for her like being friends with my ex gf, with being friends with all the girls i have dated before her even when i could have. I could have been hanging out with my friends most of the time and putting them in front of her. But no she did the exact opposite. She just needs time to grow up maturity wise. If i didnt try as much as i did, i wouldve lost her a long time ago as i said. I told everyone about the problems weve had, and they have all told me that she is not being committed. I wanted a best friend that i could tell anything to. And if i couldnt of been there for her b-day or something of the same matter and i cant be there cuz i make her guy friends feel jealous, then wat the fuck is that? With my first ex she told me that she has had previous things going on with some of her friends and i have even hung out with all of them together and she and i both knew that they liked her and were jealous of me, SHE DIDNT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS! Thats what im trying to tell you, she bassically put other peoples feelings before her boyfriend, the person she loved. That right there is immature, (and when i say that i mean immature for relationship, not as a person) So i know i did the right thing. If i gave her the way she wanted, it wouldve ended worse. So wat do u think of that huh?
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (31 May 2010):
Wow you are really controlling.
Just because she had a crush on you for a while before she met you, she is supposed to fall at your feet and worship you all the time?
You got in a massive mood with her for no reason, and then everything has to be on your terms. I think you need to stop thinking about how much SHE should be working on trying to keep you, and look at what you could do to keep her. It's not like she doesn't have other offers.
You have a lot to live up to if she's been thinking how great it would be with you for that long. Then you turn round and say "I'm thinking of leaving you alone for your birthday...." and wonder why she gets upset! If you weren't going to do it, then why tell her about it??
It sounds like she's figured out that having you as a boyfriend is not like she imagined and there's FAR too much pressure.
Having a boyfriend should be BETTER than being single. You've just made life harder.
Have a think about why you want to be with her, and what you want from her. If you think you can be a good boyfriend to her then tell her that you still love her, and want her back to start from day 1.
It won't matter who liked who for how long and what happened before. Set some ground rules for EACH OTHER and then work on making her happy and trusting her so she can do the same back.
Good Luck!! xx
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