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age
30-35,
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writes: Me and my girlfriend are in a distance relationship and recently got to go camping together with about 10 or so friends, mostly mine but some both of ours. She is a much more outgoing person then I am and easily gets the attention of other people, sometimes without meaning to. Sometimes when she gets this attention, she uses it as a chance to be a little "naughty" such as seductively licking the rim of a just chugged milk carton or pretending that her and a female friend of mine there were lesbian lovers. I know she doesn't really mean anything by it, as she has told me before, but something about it still gets to me. I was furious to the point where I felt like punching some of the people giving her the attention so I walked off w/out people knowing. My gf went looking for me but couldn't find me so returned. I returned later, mainly b/c I was bored out in the middle of nowhere, but then I started getting angry again and just had to leave. This time I didn't do it very discreetly and a little ways away my gf caught up to me and we just started talking about stuff. She made great points about how I can't have her all the time and that the camping trip wasn't of all couples. She also mentioned that I can't put all my longing or wanting in her or physically be with her all the time b/c I have friends who care about me too and want to hang out with me and it wouldn't be fair to them. I myself am a much more introverted person. Even though I can understand where she is coming from on this whole topic, I still haven't been able to get over things b/c the feelings I had felt still well up inside me when she gets the attention. Is it wrong for me to just want to be with her all the time? Does the fact that she looks for attention from other people mean I don't give her enough? (I feel like that's why she does it...I've felt she has been settling with me)Is this just a problem that we'll have to deal with since we are both not outgoing or does it not have to do with that?I know this is rather lengthy and maybe not entirely clear on what I'm asking but I don't know what to do right now. She's told me that she's said all she can think of on the subject. I fear that she can't understand how it is to be introverted and how I'm feeling. Do I just care too much for her and am getting hurt when I don't feel her caring back the same amount?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne thing that I thought of is that I don't want her to just stop because I ask her to because then that would be making her change in a bad way. I think what I have to do is make her understand it how I do. If I can give her an actual reason that makes sense to her that makes her want to stop/ tone it done because she sees what it does, then it will be fine. Otherwise she'll just be holding herself back because of me, which is a reason, but one that could be removed by no longer being in a relationship. She has mentioned that in some areas she is willing to tone it down but I think that the reasoning for it needs to be more then just "well if you feel this way, then I'll tone it down."Thanks for the advice everyone!
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male
reader, Stanley Cup  +, writes (25 July 2007):
Sometime when you're not upset, bring this subject up. Ask her how she would feel if the situations were reversed and you were the one who was engaging in this behavior. If she says that it wouldn't bother her, then accept that as her answer. However, you may want to fight fire with fire. When she engages in flirty behavior with other people, you should start to as well. See how she reacts then. If it truly does not bother her, but it still bothers you, then you need to decide how strongly you feel about it. If it is behavior that you absolutely can not put up with, then call the relationship off (not right there, no one wants to be in the middle of a scene) and move on with your life. You will be able to find someone who feels the same as you do in regards to this type of behavior, and that person and you will be much better suited for each other.
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female
reader, Miss_Oz  +, writes (24 July 2007):
 It does seem a bit one-way street-ish. I think the only problem an introvert may cause to their extroverted partner is that the introverted one might seem less outgoing or less fun to the extroverted one, to put it as simply as possible. I don't personally agree with that but it might factor to an extrovert. While I see an introverted person (being one myself) as simply being a bit more reserved, an extroverted person might just think they're boring or unadventurous. I'm not suggesting she thinks that about you, it's merely a speculation. Even if it were true, I don't think it would help her understand your feelings on the matter of her behaviour at all.
As to your first point, it is a valid question; if that kind of behaviour is just part of her, would it be wrong of you to ask her to tone it down? Well, people DO change for their relationship, the way people inevitably are somewhat changed BY the relationship. It's not really about her changing who she is but about her altering a pattern of behaviour that makes you, her significant other, unhappy. Of course you may be right, that you simply aren't good for each other but I think it's worth firstly finding out if something can be done about this. If you wanted to give up so soon, I'm sure you wouldn't have written asking for help. Perhaps talking to her privately and telling her just how much her behaviour hurts you, speaking calmly and not like you're 'attacking' her for it, would be a good idea while asking her either straight out (or subtly, if you prefered) would she be willing to just tone it down a notch, for your comfort. If she loves you, it shouldn't be too much of a problem for her; after all, we are meant do what makes our partner happy. In a loving relationship, if our partner is happy, we are happy. There is no enjoyment in a relationship where one of the two of you is upset, unhappy, or has a thing like this gnawing away at their insides.
Would it be possible for you two to start spending more time together away from these friends?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt does help, thank you.With what you said I have another question that gets to me. Should I be asking her to tone it down even if it's just her being her? Should I be asking her to be something she is not? She shouldn't have to change for the relationship...though I guess a relationship is change in and of itself. I guess I just don't know at what point the change is warranted or is a sign that the relationship should be ceased. I don't want to get caught up in trying to make her change and away from what may be the truth...that we might just not work out for each other. Another question that comes to mind, not really pertaining to my situation but just a thought: With a relationship like this with an introvert and extrovert, seeing that it has already done some hurt to the introvert at times...is there anything that would be characteristic of an introvert that could cause similar pain and feelings in the extrovert? i.e. things that I do b/c of who I am that could cause her a similar type of feelings? I ask because if there is, maybe it could be used to at least help my gf understand how I feel about how she acts. Though at the moment, I can't think of anything. It seems a one way street.
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female
reader, Miss_Oz +, writes (24 July 2007):
She sounds rather unfairly unwilling to compromise about this. She may not see it as a big deal but you do and as your partner, she ought to respect that and cut back on that sort of behaviour. It's understandable that you feel uncomfortable, watching your girlfriend 'flirt' like that even if she is only being silly. I think the opposite types of people you are is a factor here, in the sense that an extrovert like her who loves attention might not (and clearly doesn't) feel like it's inappropriate. Whereas a more reserved or introverted person like you might feel (and again, you clearly do) that it isn't appropriate behaviour. Especially not when that person is dating someone who happens to be there at the time. While I'm sure she means nothing really sexual/flirty by her actions, if it bothers you even somewhat, she should be willing to compromise a little. You are a partnership after all. It must also be annoying that these friends encourage her flirtatious behaviour, when they know you're on the scene; although they, like her, almost certainly see it as harmless fun. I find it rather unfair also that she has in essence put you down for wanting to be with her all the time and not so much with friends; which is actually pretty normal in a relationship, not to mention a long-distance relationship where you don't see each other all the time. I don't think you aren't giving her enough attention; it seems to simply be in her nature to want it from wherever she can get it, because she enjoys it and it makes her feel good. She needs to make a compromise with you; to spend more time with you when you are together and less time trying to hold everyone else's attention. I'm not saying she should stop altogether right away because I don't think she could but for the sake of her boyfriend's feelings, she should try and more importantly, want to try. If she does not and can't understand your simple point of view, you might have to move on; you can't spend the entire remaining time of the relationship feeling this way, it isn't fair to you and will leave you drained and unhappy. If you guys stayed together long-term, it'd be a long time to suffer. You should try meeting up just the two of you, make a date to go to dinner together or to a movie, perhaps see a show or even just go for a walk if you both enjoy the outdoors. She may be surprised to find it nice for once to have no-one to show off to and see how enjoyable it can be to have only you showering affection on her. Feel free to mail me with any other points you'd like to add, I hope this helped somewhat.
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