A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I matched and got talking to a girl on a online dating app.. Few messages later went out for dinner. Holy smokes she is stunning. I don’t have a clue how it went. She kept thanking me and saying she had a good time. But also said she is not looking for anything serious. Has being a gentlemen cost me here? How long till I should text her?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (2 June 2019):
 I'm not saying that you *ARE* a beta, OP. I said that emphasizing your "gentleman" strategy can have you "come across" as beta. If I actually THOUGHT you were beta, then I'd say so! As such, you should be YOU, not worrying about how you dress, or how you speak, or what your interests are, or what's on her mind. I agree with Honeypie that I highly doubt she was reacting to your office clothes. Many people go out wearing office clothes if they're business casual like yours are. You weren't in a power suit or a tuxedo, right?? LOL
If you think she wasn't interested, then there are a lot of other connections to make, but you need to BE yourself! Don't worry about perfecting a "pick up" image. Don't be too much in your own head! Find out what interests the woman you want to go out with and tailor a date around what she's into, like if she has a favorite band and they have a concert, or a movie she talked about being interested in (my husband is taking me to Rocketman tonight, and I hope it's good, as I've been an Elton John fan since Madman Across the Water) or something like that!! Don't worry, you'll find your match, and she'll be every bit as stunning as your dreams suggest she will be!
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 June 2019):
 It happens, OP
Sometimes you won't click with the woman you have set a date up with, sometimes SHE won't click with you. And sometimes the CHEMISTRY is right but you have nothing in common... etc. THAT is why people go on dates. To see if they are a good fit BEYOND just "Am I attracted".
And you dressing nicely, I don't think had anything to do with it. I can't imagine many woman thinking "Oh no he dressed TOO nicely!". Especially if you mentioned that you had come straight from work hence the outfit you were wearing.
Doesn't MEAN there is anything wrong with you. Might just be that she just didn't "feel it".
Try again. With someone else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2019): Oh well I don’t think she was that interested. Funny thing is in the last 5 years I have never thought to seek advice. I guess I was quite interested which is why I come on here. I had a feeling she mentioned about not being serious because of how I was dressed. And perhaps she didn’t find me attractive. I had meetings that day so I was in my shirt and trousers which she may have taken for too much. She was polite and attentive. I kind of feel sorry for her if she wasn’t interested. Although she kept saying how she had an amazing time but maybe that was her guilt.
And no I don’t brag, I don’t respond to what I’m looking for Other than: I prefer to take things as they come which she agreed to. I never once told her she was pretty in person. I didn’t drool, I was pretty relaxed and we just spoke and had good food.
The kind lady who has suggested I’m beta. I would agree if I had said the things your saying. Either way I havent felt like that in years, she was something different. Its not the end of the world for me. Good memories in my head :) wow
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 May 2019):
I think you're jumping the gun!! She said she wasn't looking for anything serious. Are YOU? If I were you, I'd have responded something like "Damn, guess I'll have to take the engagement ring back to the store now!" as a joke.
Dates ARE NOT SERIOUS anyways! I'm guessing that it was the conversation you had with her that had her say that, and if being a gentleman was you bragging about how are looking for a permanent girlfriend and would never use women for sex or be a player or anything, then that would be a natural response because she might have thought you were looking for a future wife.
You don't have to put on a show of being a gentleman! You don't have to overdo the gallantry thing. I can see you getting really nervous and awkward and not be yourself, which she might have picked up on.
I say a few days later, ask her for a second date, and if she says yes, then keep it light and no serious future relationship or "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" talk out of it! Some people treat dates like job interviews and that's not a good idea either! Just do something fun together!
If she doesn't respond or turns you down, then you have your answer. Now, you mentioned her as "stunning" but if you kept saying that constantly, that's not the best idea either. You should be just as much at ease with her as if she were NOT stunning. You're not the puppy dog with the tongue drooling out when you're with her either! Play it a lot more cool and confident. How do I know you weren't?? You mentioned being a "gentleman". That's code for "beta" to most women and you can't come across as desperate.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2019): Ah well having conversations first isn’t being a gentleman ; it’s just having a conversation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2019): Thanks for your comments. I can sense the ladies getting upset because I mentioned her looks. She was intelligent, had good convo, asked many questions, learnt a bit about her too.
She mentioned she has been hurt before, and as a result she has taken a different approach because when she cares she gets hurt. She shared some stories and it wasn’t all great with her previous partners. Now having said that our convo was flirty and she even sent me a pic before. However I wanted to treat her well as there is plenty of time for fun later. Now I’m thinkibg I should of just skipped the dinner.
Now here’s some more info for you guys to digest. Thanks
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (31 May 2019):
 Nothing in your post suggested you were or weren’t a gentleman or that you had anything in common, you were just attracted to her. If you want something serious, be excited by more than their appearance and don’t pursue this woman.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2019): Yeah I can see she wants casual only. I just didn’t want to jump on it straight away. That’s what I meant by being gentlemen. Tried to have conversations. Which went okay I thought.
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A
male
reader, Pepi let pew  +, writes (31 May 2019):
 Being a gentleman has cost you nothing. She might have saved you alot of heartache and pain. She has been honest with you. So what she said was shes not looking for anything serious. You need to not let this bother you. Really its no big deal. So what if she is stunning. If you cant laugh together and be playful its not worth it. There is a sea full of fish. Many of these fish could be your best friend and soulmate for life. Go out and catch some let the ones go you dont want and Find a keeper.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (31 May 2019):
 What are you looking for? If its something serious then you know you aint going to get it from her. You have to appreciate her honesty so you know where she's at. Personally I wouldnt bother txt'ing her at all. If she wants to hang out again, let her be the one to make contact if your cool with casual.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 May 2019):
Has being a gentlemen cost me here?
Nope.
She just isn't interested in dating YOU.
So delete her number and TRY again with someone else.
Don't text her.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 May 2019):
 Hmm, I take her message a bit differently. To me it sounds like she is fine with casual dates and hook-ups, but doesnt want to committ or be exclusive. So she is probably dating several people at once. You should have just sent her a text right after the date. But other than being hot, was she at all interesting? I mean what are you after here? Because you dont sound very «gentlemanly» to me when all you describe her as is based on her physical attractiveness.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (31 May 2019):
 Take her words at face value. She's not looking for anything serious. She doesn't wish to date you. Apparently she's not willing to waste time and apparently didn't feel a spark. Be grateful she isn't going to waste your time. NEXT!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2019): Just accept that she isn't looking for anything serious.
If you're looking for something serious; you've been informed. She said she had a nice time. Her looks may have impressed you; but she doesn't owe you anything. She doesn't know you. It has nothing to do with your manners or being a gentlemen.
Text her whenever you'd like, just don't expect anything serious.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (31 May 2019):
 What's this "being a gentleman has cost me" bullshit?
Can you explain what you mean by that?
She said she is not looking for anything serious, that is a polite way of saying she doesn't want you to text her.
So, let it go and keep looking for the one who DOES indicate she is looking for something serious.
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