A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi ALL,I need some perspective please. Long story short, a woman I have an interest in and I had an argument over an email I wrote to her. She is foreign and lives in Eastern Europe. I am American and live in the US. I wrote what I thought was an email expressing some long-standing issues. Some of the expressions I used were "Please don't give me advice on this matter", "sometimes I think you play the victim" and "I am disappointed and sad about what [she] said." Well, this created a firestorm. She called my email disgusting, and that she saw a side of me she had never seen before. She said "Do you think I will write you again after this?"I was taken aback. Perhaps my email could have been more gentle, but I hardly saw the incendiary comments she did. I asked her to please let me know what bothered her so much. Her reply: "I cannot teach you. You must know without me or else ask someone you trust."I became upset. I emailed her an apology for the first statement of "please don;t give me advice" -- perhaps it was too cutting -- and then explained the context of the others. One clear misunderstanding she had was that she thought when I said I was disappointed that I was disappointed in her. I tried , in vain, to correct that.She refused to budge from her position. I became desperate, feeling guilt and the impending demise of our relationship. I sent her a number of emails and then called her several times, finally reaching her. We spoke, but it was not fruitful. Somehow my phrases hit her deep through some kind of impenetrable (to me) cultural divide. But she would not tell me why or how.So, things are now bad between us.My question: Does her position have any basis in fact, i.e., that she cannot teach me or tell me what bothers her? And that I should have known before writing this email?Does this portend serious problems in the future vis a vis a poor system of communication? I am frustrated beyond belief. I have always thought everything is communicable, and especially it is important to speak about this in relationships.I appreciate all thoughts. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (8 December 2016):
 From what I read, it sounds like you've been dismissive of her points and overbearing in the expression of yours.
Yes, most problems can be solved, if not avoided, by communication. EFFECTIVE communication, which includes LISTENING, and a cooling off period. You're not giving her that. You undermine her credibility with suggestions that she's playing the victim. She realises she's getting nowhere and withdraws from the discussion, you see your power evaporating and panic, thinking it's permanent, and press harder.
Calm down and let her do the same.
A small footnote. A guy I dated decades ago had a similar philosophy about talking through problems. His motto was 'don't go to bed angry' while mine was 'let cooler heads prevail'. He used to grab my arms and prevent me from leaving because like you, he believed that all troubles could be sorted by talking them to death. I can't help but wonder how you would behave if your girlfriend was right in front of you. Food for thought.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (7 December 2016):
 As your email was about "long-standing issues", I suspect it was a bit of a "make or break" situation for you. It is, therefore, quite probably that you were quite harsh and that you knew exactly the reaction you were risking. Now that it has happened, you are suddenly back-peddling and saying you didn't mean to be harsh and you can't understand why this lady is upset. I suspect you know EXACTLY why she is upset but you are thinking "Whoops, how do I get out of this?"
It is, of course, quite possible she misunderstood comments in your email, given the cultural and language difference. However, my gut instinct tells me she understood EXACTLY what you said and that now you are regretting it and pretending you didn't mean it.
I think you are probably going to have to put this one down to experience and be a bit more careful what you put in writing in future. Try reading what you have written through the eyes of the recipient and try to feel what they will feel when they read it. Then perhaps you will send kinder communications.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 December 2016):
 This is why LDR's often don't work. IT is SO easy to misinterpret the written word even when you know the other person well, you can't always read the TONE, the humor, the anger - and things that may have been a statement of fact, can seem mean or even hostile.
I don't know what it was you didn't want her advice on, why you felt she played the victim or what you were sad about but those 3 statements (taken in the context given) sounds like a total dismissal if her. It sounds like a lot of resentment from you about her and her opinions, which apparently matter little to you. Like a "MY way or the highway." Or a preemptive strike.
So do I get why she got mad? Again HARD to say without the real context by in short, yes if someone told me those 3 statements, I'd totally question why I'm talking to this person at all.
And in a way, I also get why she said I can't teach you. Because either you know how to treat another person with respect or you don't. She isn't your mom, who can tell you "this is what you do in this situation".
YOU know EXACTLY why she got mad. Otherwise, why apologize twice? Why not just "think before you type" an e-mail?
Does it mean YOU made all the mistakes here? No idea, again you made some blanket statements with VERY little context to try and understand.
Does it mean that in person the communication will suck too? Hard to say, you two have both a language barrier (if she isn't a native English speaker and you don't speak HER language) but there is also a cultural difference and then again... the written word can EASILY be interpreted in more way than one.
BUT if this is how you two communicate with each other.... I'm not sure I see a point in it.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 December 2016):
 I think you're incompatible and need to move on. It's highly possible your email came across as rude and lots of people wouldn't want to teach someone else why it was rude.
Do you have any struggles picking up on what people feel or how to behave with people?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2016): When you say you're disappointed in what someone says, the subtext is that basically, you're disappointed in THEM for saying something like that. I think the both of you are too wrapped up in words - you've twisted yourself into knots over this. If you're both mature enough to leave behind the (IMO small) issues and look ahead then your relationship stands a chance.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2016): I don't think you've given enough background or context to your question. I'm assuming your long-standing issues are related to your relationship. Have you actually ever met and/or spent time with this woman in person? If not, then not only is this, as you say, a poor system of communication, it is also not a real relationship.
I may be old fashioned, but I think it is far easier to engage, communicate and build relationships in person. Sorry I couldn't be of more help.
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