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She says he's just a friend.

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 August 2007) 5 Answers - (Newest, 2 June 2009)
A male Australia age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Am I being too paranoid or is something going on?

I've (21) been with my girlfriend (18) for over a year now, things have been going great up until she started telling me that there is a chance we might have to end it, because of conflicts with her family and her religion (it's against her religion for her to be with me, and her family hate me as I'm not ethnic, or "good", enough =S). Over the last 2 months her dad has stopped her seeing me completely, meaning the only form of communication we had was by phone. He put a stop to that too, so we only really talk for maybe 20 or so minutes every couple of nights on the phone.

I've just recently bought a computer and being able to get back online, and I've found out that over the last month she has been spending hours every day talking to some guy she met online. It all seems fairly innocent, she says he's a really nice guy and easy to talk to and they are just friends. After asking her a few more questions, I found out on a few occassions they have been up talking online for up to 8 hours at a time. She still claims nothing at all is going on, but every time I come online and talk to her she is talking to him as well, and tonight she told me her dad was forcing her to get off the comp, then proceded to stay on for another 20 minutes talking to this guy afterwards.

She's said that it's perfect because he makes her laugh so she can just come online and talk to him whenever she's sad. Her exact words were "he's accessable, you're not".

She constantly says they are just friends and gets angry if I suggest otherwise, this mixed with the problems her family is causing is really starting to get to me though, it can be an instant mood kill to come on to talk to her and see that she's already pre-occupied with this guy.

Am I being ridiculous about this or is it normal to be bothered by it? I don't want some random internet guy who lives on the other side of the country to come between us, but she doesn't understand how much this is starting to make me feel like I'm second best to him now. Any help would be great.

View related questions: her ex, met online

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A female reader, marie_s03 United States +, writes (2 June 2009):

Your feelings are completely normal. She should be more understanding of your feelings since you've made it clear to her that it bothers you. If I was in your situation I would feel the exact same way. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I hope things get better for you, but remember what you feel is what matters. No advice is going to just make all your suspisions dissappear. If you're not happy, you both need to change something. You can just deal with it. Good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007):


You seem like a really nice guy, too nice for someone like her. I'm sorry to say that it's obvious she doesn't want to be with you. Her family is probably not even an issue if you ask me she has just used them as the excuse for not being able to see you. I've been with only one guy in my life and we are enagaged now and my family was a very big issue to me not too long ago... and i did everything in my power to contact him and see him i fought for us every single day. Until they finally they gave up, so by using my example i'm just telling you from experience that if she really did love you and want to be with you she should fight for you not spend her time talking to someone else. That's what makes me think her family isn't an issue. She probably thinks you will get the hint... if you really want to know if she wants to be with you give her the cold shoulder... cause if you ask me you are being too accessible for her. Also one more thing i mean it when i say you are genuinely a nice guy, even my fiance wouldn't want me talking to any other guy and im as innocent as they come. All the best I'm sure you will find someone who will appreciate you and know that they are very lucky to have you. Unlike this girl who will realise when it's way too late how lucky she was!

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A female reader, Tray-Lou United Kingdom +, writes (25 August 2007):

i think its unfair the way she is treating you if she can't see you as someone to talk but someone halfway across the world then you should say somthing it should be you she tells her problems to and makes her laugh and if she doesn't want you to be that person then forget her

it can't be that hard for her to try and talk to you either if shes talking to this guy for up to eight hours.

you need to tell her straight how you feel and how she should be talking to you and you want her to let you in and if she doesn't then tell her to go and be with this internet guy, she should be considerate to your feelings and she clearly isn't being

good luck

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A female reader, penta United States +, writes (24 August 2007):

penta agony auntIt's entirely possible that he's just a friend. But you're obviously second fiddle, and that's not fair. You should tell her that you're okay that she has a friend, and that you trust her, but you feel like as her boyfriend you should come first.

It's not entirely your fault that you're unaccessible; her family has a lot to do with that. Because of that, I don't think you're going to be able to make this a long-term relationship.

Good luck.

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A female reader, flower girl United Kingdom +, writes (24 August 2007):

flower girl agony auntI would be worried about it, the fact she has said he's accessible and your not, well quite clearly seen as you talk on the internet you are accessible, and she will say goodbye to you and then stay on line another twenty mins talking to him.

I think if you really think about this as hard as it is to say, you know what the deal is here.

Take care.xx.

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