A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:im with this girl that is say young enough to be my daughter. i love her very much and i even ended a long term marriage for her. but lately i have been thinking about things she put on facebook when we were dating. i told her one night when we were sitting around that i would give her the world and enjoy every min. of it. she put it up on her status as a question to people and asked would they take it. i in return answered if your in love with them. shes always posting things that we do together, if i bring her something to eat she tells everyone what shes had and its always look what i got. its because of her posts that i was caught cheating. my ex saw a ring i bought her for valentines day. but anyway thats a whole other story. one night she told me to hurry home the food was not going to cook itself. and i replyed back coming. she said good cause im hungry and placed a smiley face there. i got a few comments about that off of facebook so i have removed all of the stuff from my facebook wall and have asked her not to put our life out there for the world to see. am i being to analitical about all of this or is she acting her age, are all girls that young like this. its like she is trying to prove a point or something, now that i am divorced it has not been as bad, was she doing this because she knew the ex could read the messages. i want for us to have a good life together, we are soon to have a baby and she loves me, but im just wondering if she is using me. and if i should have let her grow up just a little more before i jumped into the frying pan. i thought she was more mature than this because she already had one child and was raising her on her own. tell me im just being paranoid....
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divorce, facebook, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (6 December 2013):
 SVC:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-not-making-as-much-money-so-im.html
I think this is our update. The "flag" has changed, but the stories are identical as well as the OP's written cadence and non-use of capitalization in their replies.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 December 2013):
 He probably had to hock his computer.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 December 2013):
 it's been a year... where's my update op?
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female
reader, Ilha  +, writes (16 January 2013):
Dear OP,Most yong people like to update their status about everything in their life. You could talk to her about how it makes you feel. Compromise on what topics or status she is allowed to post on her Facebook. I sense you have so much love for her, so I am sure both of you can discuss how best to overcome this too much information postings on Facebook. To the other agony aunts and uncles, we are here to lend our ears and provide suggestions to help those in need. This OP has ended his first marriage. Why are some of you attacking him for what he did to his ex wife? We were not in their marriage to know exactly what went wrong, so why is there a need to be angry at the OP? Who are we to judge, or be a moral police? Who are we to say his young gf is after his money and nothing else? Does any of us know the girl personally to pass such judgement? Who are we to say that their union will not last because of the age gap? Just because some of you may have first hand experience in such situation does not mean everyone is going to face a similar outcome. Each and every one of us is different, therefore, the outcome will be different. If as agony aunts and uncles, you are unable to separate yourself from being emotionally involve in the problem posted by any OPs, best to refrain yourself from doing so. We need to be rational in our thinking. And we should never ever berate someone just because he or she does not share the same values as us. Who are to judge someone as good or bad? Leave that to the Almighty...Lastly, I do not condone extra marital affairs. I have been cheated on, I know how it feels. Just annoys me that instead of answering a problem posed, some have chosen to highlight irrelevant issues, not asked by the OP.Lastly, to the OP, I wish you the best in your relationship and hope that it works out the way you want. Good luck!
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female
reader, yupthatsme +, writes (13 January 2013):
All of these people replying are being a tad bit harsh. We are not here to judge, but to help another out. Anyways, I am 19. I post a lot on facebook/twitter/instagram. Its just kind of how this generation is. I don't know the exact age difference but just know that people younger are going to be more in tuned with the internet. its whats going on right now in this day and age. Talk to her about how you feel and i am sure she will understand. Wish you the best.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2012): you all dont understand. I'm bankrupt from dating her while i was still married. I became bankrupt after i left from my ex. I took out loans ans stuff to get a place, but sadly was not making enough money for two families, my ex took most of my income, and they were garnishing my check for loans. If she didnt care about me than she would not have moved with me when my company sent me to another state. she left her family and friends to be with me. Yes its going to be hard to get back on my feet but this new position will pay me more, and get me back to where i was before. She will not have to work, but im sure she will be more than willing to go back to work to help us out. She worked at my place of employment when i met her so she can work. and we have already been together for a year and one month. So i will be glad to prove you all wrong.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 December 2012):
 I get the feeling- correct me if I am wrong- that your gf may be at current about the financial situation, but has so far been spared any hardship . You are in debt and filing for bankcruptcy, but so far she still got wined and dined , and full support for her and her daughter, and silly birthday presents and all.
Let's see how she will react when inevitably all this changes, and she'll be cooped up at home with no job, no money, no shopping sprees, a crying baby and a much older lover. I say that you may see her change her tune, and I say that deep down you know that already.
Of course, I'll be glad to be proven wrong and to get an update from you , two years from now ( one is too little, .. she would need to get organized before shipping out :) . The Aunts aren't mean or malicious, generally speaking, and are actually happy to see that their dire predictions did not come true, and the OPs is in fact thriving regardless of unwise choices. ... Just... it does not happen so very often....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2012): If your pregnant gf knows you're going bankrupt and yet is still happy to have you spend all this money on her that just shows that she doesn't plan on staying with you long term. I mean, if she was truly planning to spend the rest of her life with you (rather than just saying so) why would she be encouraging you to go bankrupt entertaining her? Does she want to live in poverty? Does she want her kids to grow up in poverty? I think this is a big red flag that she is not what you think and that she will have an exit strategy when the time comes. She is happy to date married men obviously. She doesn't respect the concept of marriage. She is using you for money. Maybe she agreed to get pregnant to get you to commit to her which you did. Put two and two together yet?
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (31 December 2012):
 You will be paying for your other children until they're 18, so you will broke for a long time.
Your new girlfriend will only tolerate the financial hardship for so long, until she finds another a man with more money for her and her children.
Good luck with that mess!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): ok. she knows the financial state that im in. before my ex and i broke up i still stayed there and payed the bills, plus i was staying out on the weekends with my now fiance. it was christmas i bought her and her daughter gifts. than i was kicked out and had to get a place, furniture, pots, pans etc.. and went into debt to do it. than i was demoted, the wife took me for temporary suppot, and we ended up with her mom. so yes she knows. i am now trying to get back on my feet. i still have to pay the ex for 5 years. so soon she will be out of the picture. i know i will be a good dad, i helped raise my exes kids. i dont want her to work because she is pregnant and has a daughter too, i want to treat her like the princess that she is. she says she loves me, and has proved it by giving me the great gift of a baby and says she will be with me till the end of time. and the only thing the ex got was a monthly income thats it. than she has to fend for herself, shes a smart woman she will be ok. i know i have responsibilities to each and everyone involved, and im willing to go to the ends of the earth for her, and my new family. and i will keep you all posted a year from now, because i believe we will be happy and still going strong and enjoying the new baby as well.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): If you were concerned about being a real father (one who raises and cares for children) you would be SAVING your money now to support and provide for your kid, not deliberately driving yourself into bankruptcy because of the mother. If she really loved you and saw a future long term life with you she would not want you to spend all this money on her now she would want you to save the money for the new family you are creating. Or maybe she doesn't know you're going bankrupt? That's even worse it will be a rude shock to her when you can no longer afford her expensive tastes and she will feel deceived and not see you as a man anymore since that's what her values are based on. Seems you don't really care about a relationship with your child or your child's well being you are just happy that a hot young girl got pregnant by you because it hoists your ego. This situation is heading towards a big shake up in the coming months and years and its not going to be pretty.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): If you wanted so much to be a father why didnt you adopt instead of cheating on your wife and destroying a good marriage?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 December 2012):
Oh poor poor poor delusional OP....
your angel who has brought you alive will be the death of you sir.
OP SAID:
"she is my princess, and i dont care if i am an atm machine for her. i will give her everything she ever dreamed of. cause she gave me what i dreamed of."
Men who think like this (because she was fertile with you) are the reason so many women who can't conceive feel less like a woman... reproduction is easy... any man can father a child... let's see you be a good DAD now.
In addition, what do you think will happen when the ATM machine goes dry?
OP SAID:
"yes, im having to file bankruptcy, and im finding it hard to get back on my feet after wineing (sic)and dinning my new woman, and having to rent a place, and furnish it. but she was well worth every bit of it. and i dont agree with any of you, she will be with me until the end. she has told me that she has never loved anyone this much. so thanks for nothing...."
She will be with you till the end... till the end of what?
the end of time?
the end of your money?
the end of your ability to have sex?
the end of happiness?
do you think in ten years when she is still quite young and healthy and you are aging and POOR now because a bankruptcy lasts for many years... you will not get credit now. You cannot buy a home, your interest rates on cars and such will be double digits...
So is your divorce final yet? How are those bills...because your abandoned wife has a good claim to much of your income, pension and savings and I hope she got a good attorney for those things.
I am so sorry to hear that you are thinking that this is the be all to end all.... I'm so sorry you are going to hurt in a few years...
WHAT a young woman (who is still young enough to think that a BB gun that looks like a machine gun from walmart is a good birthday gift) in her early 20s wants is not what a mature woman in her early 30s want.
so in ten years you will be a Disneyland dad with no money paying child support to the ex gf, alimony to the injured wife, living in a furnished apartment and working way past retirement age to support all these folks
the woman you tired of and left
the woman you left her for who tired of you
and this magical child she gave you... that will want you to run and jump and do things with...
Please promise me to come back yearly and prove me wrong.... (I can't wait)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): OP your story keeps getting worse. So not only did you cheat on a good wife who gave you all her love and you didn't own up to it until your lover spilled the beans on facebook (which was cowardly and dishonorable of you) and then you left your wife for your lover, then found to your dismay how immature she is, but now you are also going bankrupt from spending all your money on her wining and dining her. And you still think this is a good idea because she makes you feel young again. You sound like a train wreck waiting to happen.
Wake up. She's only with you for the money. Once you have none left (which wont be long at the rate you're going) what is there left to keep her with you? Of course she says she will be with you to the end. That's what you want to hear and at present you're still paying for everything for her. (And you probably said the same to your wife when you first got married and look what happened) But when you're all living on the streets with a new baby how do you think she will feel about you then? Given her immaturity and her lack of morals I think she will leave you for the next guy with money.
Self esteem has to come from within. Being dependent on an intimate partner for self esteem and to feel alive only works temporarily. And it leads to self destructive behaviors as you will do foolish and desperate things to keep your self esteem, as your story shows. I suggest you take a good look within to find how to fill the void on your own so you're not so easily swayed by manipulative people to the point that all reason and logic goes out the window and you ruin your life and that of the innocent people you have involved yourself with (such as your wife and soon to be child).
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): she is my princess, and i dont care if i am an atm machine for her. i will give her everything she ever dreamed of. cause she gave me what i dreamed of. my ex couldnt do that so i found someone that could. and i love her more now than i loved her when we met. i told the ex i was sorry for everything. but i am so glad that i met her, i dont care how young she is. she has brought me back to life. we do so many things together. with the ex it was all work for the both of us and we never had time to do anything else. yes, im having to file bankruptcy, and im finding it hard to get back on my feet after wineing and dinning my new woman, and having to rent a place, and furnish it. but she was well worth every bit of it. and i dont agree with any of you, she will be with me until the end. she has told me that she has never loved anyone this much. so thanks for nothing....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2012): I think you made a big mistake cheating on your wife who loved you so much and getting with this girl who obviously is only interested in you for financial security. To answer your question yes she is using you. She doesn't care how you feel or she would show some consideration in not posting private info about you on facebook. She is clearly manipulative. She outed your affair to get you to commit to her. When you're upset at her she tells you things you want to hear to inflate your ego to placate you. And she is deliberately messing with your ex on facebook. What did your ex do to deserve this? You sure picked a good upstanding young lady to end your long term marriage for and have a kid with. Watch out because you can bet that in a couple of years she will get tired of you or annoyed with you because you are not as hip as guys her age and you don't "get" her. And you will get annoyed with her for being irresponsible and manipulative. She will then see you as an old fogey she's stuck with because of the baby.Can you imagine the things she will say about you on facebook when that happens? And then when a good looking younger guy her age shows interest in her she will probably cheat on you as she has shown she's ok being a cheater.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2012): I feel sorry for your poor wife. She loved and cherished you. And in return you cheated on her and left her for your affair partner. Your ego and the need to prove your virility is more important than your marriage vows. Your affair partner is now taunting your soon to be ex wife. Your poor wife doesn't deserve to be treated like this. And yet you're smug and patting yourself on the back on what good choices you've made because now you get to prove your virility in impregnating a hot young woman. I guess marriage means nothing to you only your ego. I hope your wife finds a real man with integrity who will not treat her the way you did.Its clear that your new woman has nothing in common with you and she only sees and treats you as an atm machine. That's why young women get with older men. Don't be surprised if in a few years time your she cheats on you and dumps you for a younger hotter guy, the way you cheated on your wife and traded her in for a younger version.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2012): well i had a little talk with her about the fb issue. all of you are right. she said she just wanted to tell everyone what an amazing person i am. and show everyone what all i do for her. and yes it was a little showing off to my ex as well, she said i just wanted her to know that i got you, and i was a little afraid that you would not get divorced and go back to her. she wants to still post stuff she says cause we just moved to another state and needs to have that communication, but i still have a little problem with it. like she wanted a bb gun we saw at walmart so i bought it for her it looks like a real machine gun. and her friends thought it was, than she laughed and told them it was her bday present and was a bb gun. i think it was a little immature but hey if it makes her happy than im happy. i want to give her everything her heart desires, cause she has made me the happiest man ever by giving me the opportunity to be a father. and she has given me new youth and strength. i enjoy it. and yes my long term relationship with my ex was a very good one, but my new woman has brought me alive and has given me something that the ex could not. A BABY i traded in a woman who took care of me and was willing to do everything for me, for a woman that i have to take care of but it was a trade well worth it to me. thanks for you advice.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (18 December 2012):
The next time I see something good come from facebook or twitter it will be the first.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 December 2012):
I don't think you are being paranoid. I think she's very immature and very insecure. My 26 yr old son barely posts on facebook... I find FB attention whores a bit over the top and tend to block their feeds anyway. My younger husband (he's only 39) won't even have a facebook page.
I'm sure originally her posts were her attempt to get you out of your marriage (not a cool move on her part to be honest but it worked and she knows she owns your butt because of it) now they are just attention and support seeking.
Sadly you probably left a lovely mature (albeit probably a bit stale after many years) relationship for this game of playing house with an immature needy, demanding woman/child.
Giving birth just means you are biologically capable it does not make you a mom.
I wish you all the luck in the world with this one...
BTW you do have the right as her partner and the baby daddy to ask her to stop posting your life on facebook. I used to post stuff but my hubby is very private and his sister would see it and carry it back to their mom who he is estranged from, so while we posted wedding pictures we don't post details or day to day things...
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male
reader, scottmartinez2012 +, writes (18 December 2012):
 You cooked it you eat it. It seems that the con side of age gap relationship in your case has just started surfacing. I think you should either live it or think about something extreme.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): This woman is also making sure that your ex knows how much you are "in love" with her and that you will do anything for her. If I recollect correctly she does not work, so she makes a fool of you saying on facebook I am waiting for dinner, which you need to bring home after a long day at work, how far or how much are you going to keep doing to keep your young lover? So what does she contribute to this relationship? Sounds like this is the begining of a road to hell for you as you now need to jump to this woman's whim and fancy in order to keep her or until she finds another sugar daddy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): I just want to say that relationships between two people with a big age gap can last a long time , and some work out. My parents have a 16 year age gap, and they were married for 25 years ( together in total for 28 years ) . Also, my half brother has been married to someone that is 17 years younger than him for two years ( together in total for 8 years ), and i am dating someone who is 21 years older than i am. We have been together for a year.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): The fairy tale is over! You now have her full time and now you know how she really is. That's usually what happens. I was in that exact same situation with my first marriage. I found out he was cheating and I told go be with her. Within four months, he was BEGGING to come home. I said HELL NO! You wanted her, now you stay with her. Leave me the hell alone!
I bet your wife is looking real good now isn't she?
When you trade one woman for another, you find out like the songs say its cheaper to keep her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): what did you expect? she's from a younger generation from you. most people in her generation live their lives on facebook.
if you have a problem with her sharing everything about your private life on facebook well that's what you get for being with her.
all I can say is you better watch carefully where you tread, because you have been forewarned it will end up on facebook.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): I am 26 and I often post statuses about the nice things my boyfriend does for me. He likes it though as it is me publicly acknowledging him and the nice things he does for me. It's nothing to do with proving any kind of point to anyone. Unless she is posting intimate or embarrassing details about your life then I would take it as a compliment - she is obviously happy with you and wants the world to know. As for you worrying that your ex can see the things she writes, surely your ex wifes opinion is no longer your concern? Oh and you can't blame your girlfriend or Facebook for getting caught cheating, you can't get caught unless you do the crime!
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 December 2012):
Since this girl is in another generation, then you what do you expect? Just because she's a mother doesn't mean she's grown up or mature.
Facebook is basically a brag book. You let people on your friends list into your private life. You post pictures of the fancy restaurants you ate at, a pregnancy, engagement, flowers your boyfriend bought you on Valentine's Day, your baby's poop, the list goes on. Other times, it's an open diary or blog. This is typical for a girl in her younger age. They've nothing better to do.
It sounds like you have a mess on your hands ending a marriage for your young, pregnant mistress. In which maybe you had no choice because both are going to cost you. This is the route you went, so maybe you should just go with it and see what happens.
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (17 December 2012):
 Hi
No your not paranoid, but you've made your bed now plus have a baby on the way, you'll just have to hope she will change. She sounds extremely immature and plays some very stupid games using Facebook.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): Sounds very immature. Just because you raise a child on your own does not make you mature. I wonder what it is you have in common with her besides sex. For someone to post everything you do on FB does sound needy and a little look at me and yes, really immature. I am all for FB and sharing but there is such a thing as too much sharing and some people are just this way for many reasons. In her case, seems to me she is trying to claim you as her own, to show that you are with her and really, this to me smacks of insecurity and immaturity. Maybe she does not trust you because you left a long term relationship for her. She might think you will replace her with a better, younger model down the road just like you did with your ex. I am guessing your ex was more around your age. If your girlfriend was a mature adult in an adult relationship, she would stop her behaviour knowing that it bothers and affects you. Someone more mature would understand a mutually respectful relationship. She also sounds selfish and spoiled. Sadly a lot of younger people have not had enough life experiences to build character and know how to handle things. I think you would probably have less drama with a girl your own age.
I am not judging. To each his own. I just do not get what a man your age has in common with a young girl. When I was in my 20s I would always think a guy your age was old and would not even look twice at him. The novelty usually does wear off. I have a sister who is 21 and she is so immature and does not display the grace, dignity and charm of an older lady. If you stick to your own age, you will probably have less hassles and a woman who has some life experience behind her and can offer you something more long term and you would be on equal footing with her, instead of having to live with an immature daughter figure who ignores your feelings.
This kind of relationship will probably not last. You will find out that you are going to lack EMOTIONAL fulfilment here. Eventually once the conquest of the younger woman idea wears off you will meet and find yourself attracted to a woman who is your equal and will offer you exactly what you are looking for. A girl is not capable to this. That is the truth.
I guess the moral here is the grass is not always greener on the other side. My guess is the sex was probably clouding you judgment on leaving what was a good long term relationship. But the sex eventually fizzles. Now after the fog is clearing, reality and all its warts are setting in.
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