A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I am at my wit's end here. Please please help!I am 18 years old and my best friend (let's call her "Laura") is making a huge mistake.Laura is 19 and I've known her my entire life. She's never done anything remotely rebellious or out of the norm. She's your typical quiet straight-laced girl from North Carolina (USA).Yesterday we went out for lunch and she dropped a major bomb on me. For the past 7 months she's been chatting online with this man from Russia that she met in a chatroom. He speaks perfect English and apparently they have a lot in common so they get on quite well.That in itself isn't terrible. Here's the problems:1. He's 49 years old,2. He's asked her to marry him3. She has a one-way ticket to Russia in her pocket as I write this. She's leaving on Thursday.I thought she was kidding at first, but she showed me the ticket. She says they're in love, he wants her to marry him and she said yes. So she's packed her bags and is flying out to Minsk on Thursday evening, with no intentions of coming back.So obviously I'm terrified out of my mind right now. My best friend is spontaneously flying out to Russia to marry a man 30 years her senior that we've never met. SHE'S never even met him or spoken to him on the phone.Her family knows, but since she's 19 there is nothing they can do about it. I almost wish she was underage so we could get the police involved.I've been quite vocal about how scared I am for her, and she just got angry and left my house. She says I don't understand her or their love. She's never had a boyfriend before, and she's going to marry this guy she met online 7 months ago.I almost wish she was running away to England or New Zealand or Australia. At least then she'd be in an English speaking country and could take care of herself. She speaks NO RUSSIAN AT ALL. If this guy turns out to be some kind of psycho killer or flat out dumps her, how is she going to function in a Russian speaking country?I have so many thoughts running through my head I can barely type them all out. What if he's a psycho? What if he's married? What if what if what if.........AGH!!PLEASE god I don't know what to do. She leaves in less than 48 hours!! I'm scared out of my mind that I'll never see my friend again.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): Problem with online dating is the illusion. You may notice that when you sit down to a chat room the things you submit may not be the way you would talk in real life sovial situations. no lust is right, looks are hard to live with, but 30 years and miles and contries are another matter. no world is too big for love but she is not thinking clearly and is running on delusions and falsehoods, unfortunately she is free to make her own choices, so all you can do is help repair the inavoidable consequences of her actions here. love is what it is, we can see things for what they are but she sees them for what she hopes them to be. ironic that 50 years ago a man or woman could be 40 or 50 years old when they had their first kiss isnt it? look at us now desperately running off to another country to marry someone we dont even know, might just be a frame of mind and can be cleared up through a little reality. being vocal will only rush her along and help her to distance herself from you, you should be there for her. We make foolish decisions all the time and this one is hers. I hope this helps.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): There isn't much you can do aside from knocking her out and lock her in a room, gagged and tied up for the next three days. Unless you can get someone to convince her otherwise like a family member or someone who has a crush on her here.
What you can do however is get her contact information, and tell her to give you a call anytime she needs or wants to. Tell her to give you all the details of her travels there.
The thing is, I don't want to scare you further, but I watched a documentary on youthful American women being lured by Russian agents through the internet, flying over, then selling them off to pimps for strip bars and clubs and prostitution.
Too bad really. If only she was wise enough to make the 49 year old man fly over to where she lives instead of her flying over there.
Maybe you can contact authorities over there and give them information about her, in case of anything.
Anyone here at DearCupid can give her suggestions?
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A
female
reader, Amethyst +, writes (24 January 2007):
 She's an extremely lonely girl, never having a boyfriend, it's natural for her to jump the gun a bit... but this is a bit ridiculous. If it were merely an online dating, I'd say just be supportive, but keep her in check... but it's a bit insane to marry a man you've never met, who's 30 years older than you... no matter how you look at it. I can see her being in love, I understand, because if you're both being honest online, it's easy to fall in love with someone (rather than lust, as most people do when meeting in person). I can see them wanting to meet, but she's already marrying him and running to a foreign country to marry him. I really wish she could listen to reason. You say she's never been rebellious? I was like that, but love can make you do crazy things.... but, excuse my language, damn! She needs a good reality check.
There's not much you can do... tear the ticket to shreds somehow? Ugh.... there's not much you can do but pray nothing's going to go wrong... but even if it ends your friendship, you've GOT to let her know it's CRAZY and TOO SOON! Tell her you'd support their marriage if he was as good to her as she thinks he will be, but let her know people can be a totally different person online than they really are offline. Obviously, she doesn't care about you or her family and friends... she's leaving on the drop of a hat like that. Point that out too. Ask her to at least talk to him on the phone, meet him, and LEARN SOME RUSSIAN! But, I have a friend who's a transfer student from Russia, and the younger generations have taken English since grade school... it's the older generation that she'd have trouble communicating with. I know a few words....
Prevet! ??????! (Sounds as spelled.) = Hello!/Greetings!
Polka! ?? ????????! (SAS) = Goodbye!
Ya tebia lublu! ? ????? ???! (Yah tee-bee-ya lue-blue) = I love you!
I don't know the simplified.... but...
??????, ??? ???????? - Name... = Greetings, my name is Name.
I can't remember the rest she taught me...
I hope maybe she comes to her senses, if not, you need to have done all you could as a friend, and you should have no regrets. You can only do as much as you're capable of.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): Your friend has been seduced and she is not thinking clearly and she sounds very lonely. It's plain to see that she finds this relationships so compelling, that to her, it's seems more emotionally real and alive than real life. Added to that, she's is having an emotional relationship with someone on the other end of a computer, somewhere in Russia whom she knows nothing about, except what he has told her. She claims to love him but she doesn't understand what love is. Love is touching, seeing, smelling and developing a deep bond over a long period of time. It does not sound like you have this. The problem with on line relationships where two people simply type endearing words, then reality gets blurred and one seems to live in a fantasy world. Basically, it's just two computers connecting rather than two human beings. The anonymity of the Internet lets a person carelessly judge and they can make the wrong conclusions. But this is what can be very intoxicating and this is dangerous because there are three huge things missing from on line relationships: physical presence, social context, and everyday exposure and experiences in getting to 'know that person'. The person you get to know on line is never, ever the complete picture. She needs to be told this before she hops on that plane, on Thursday. Is there anyway you can get her family to help you intervene?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): Sorry, I typed that wrong.
She's flying out to Minsk in Belarus, and then they're crossing the border into Russia.
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