A
male
age
36-40,
*onystarkben
writes:When we found out she was pregnant, it was a shock, she was excited but i was not so keen as i didn't ever see myself having kids. I got used to the idea and got excited and we went to look at baby clothes on the weekend and we had our first 12 week scan booked for yesterday. When we went to bed Sunday night she started to bleed and we went to the hospital and were there all night. They didn't do a scan but she said she knew in her heart something was wrong.We went for the scan yesterday and as soon as nothing came up on the screen we both knew. The midwife said that it's very common and it's just natures way of saying " not this time" She is so upset and was crying last night and i made her stay at my house. We didn't tell her parents as we were going to get the photo yesterday and tell them but she says she will be ok. I just feel useless and don't want her to be sad. What can i do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (2 August 2012):
also, if you two have sex make sure you use a condom regardless of her saying shes on the pill etc. a person is fertile the most after a pregnancy or miscarriage and some women take advantage of this time to try to replace the child they lost. however this is the worst time to get pregnant again as the hormones are all over the place and there is a higher risk of a miscarriage when a second pregnancy is started this soon.
A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (31 July 2012):
sorry to hear, I hope you are not feeling guilty for initially not feeling ready for this. neither of you have done anything wrong and there is no way you could have stopped this. it is a sad occurrance of nature. unfortunately around 30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, sometimes even before the mother realises she is pregnant. so for this I do sympathise. a friend of mine had a miscarriage in january and she is still upset over it, she was less than 2 months gone.
I think the idea of a symbolic funeral is nice, you could put the plant in a nice ornate pot since you do not own your own home, then it might be a source of comfort to look at it. I would definitely suggest you both see a counsellor together/separately over this, it is still a bereavement in a way. everything happens for a reason but we dont always know that reason. you seem like a really caring guy, most men wouldnt bother to make the effort to seek advice over issues like you have done, but I think its great and shows how you are mature enough to take things seriously. I wish you the best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (31 July 2012):
 1. Listen to her... a lot....
2. Listen to her... some more.
3. Hold her, when she reaches out to you.....
4. Tell her that she is beautiful and you love her...
5. Then, tell her, again, that she is beautiful, and you love her, and that you will be beside her for as long as she wishes....
Then, do what you say....
Condolences upon losing your baby.... and Good luck for the future....
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (31 July 2012):
 You just need to be there for her, hold her and comfort her and make sure she knows she's not alone. I agree that a symbolic funeral could be a good gesture, but definitely do what the other poster suggested and put it in someone else's yard than your own. It can be visited, but something that she won't see every single time she looks out the window as you want to move on from this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2012): The idea from the first post is beautiful and definately something that would be lovely to suggest to your girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2012): It is very sweet and shows how much you love her that you don't want her to be sad, but all you can do now is show her thst you love her, be there to hold her when she cries, and let her grieve in the way she needs to. I have lost a bay, and it took me a bit of time for me to grieve, I also spoke to counsellor, so you could suggest that you both go and see a counsellor together to talk about the loss of your baby. I found the hardest part was although I miscarried, there is no funeral or anything so you can goodbye, so I went and bought a plant, I planted it the backyard of my parents home (as they owned their house) and together with my parents we planted the tree as a memorial to my lost baby (my boyfriend did not stick around after the miscarriage), and now for years I have seen this beautiful flowering tree grow and blossom in memory of the child that was taken from me before it was ready to enter the world. It has been a source of comfort for me, and for me it marks the fact that although I miscarried, the baby I was having was and is loved.
Your girlfriend will be happy again in time, but it will take time and support. Together you will get through it, so let her grieve and do things together, the thing I needed most when I was dealing with the loss was just to be held sometimes, that can be very comforting in itself.
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