New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login241027 questions, 1065476 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

She knows I'm upset with her as I've acted off but I haven't told her why. Any suggestions please?

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Health, Sex, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 May 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 11 May 2015)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I'm at university at the moment.

My girlfriend and I have been going out since late October, before that we were seeing eachother and she went home for the weekend and slept with her friend. They never used to go out they just had sex (f-buddies) and apparently there were no feelings involved which I find hard to believe.

I only found out about this after she found out he had a sexually transmitted infected and had to tell me to get checked.

I was a bit surprised she'd slept with this guy as we were getting on so well and within days of her leaving to go home she'd slept with this guy again.

I told her I thought it was weird and since then she's known how I feel about both of them. She went home again not so long ago for Christmas and met with him again but had text me to let me know saying it's not a big deal I just didn't want it to seem like I was hiding it from you.

They've apparently always been good friends so I knew she'd end up meeting with him and I was fine with that.

Today I was with my girlfriend and she asked how she does a video on snapchat as she wanted to show her girl friend back at home where she was.

As she did it I lent in to show her how to mute it and at the bottom of the page it wasn't her girl friend's name at all but the guy from back home.

I don't know what to do, she knows I'm upset with her as I've acted off but I haven't told her why.

Any suggestions?

View related questions: christmas, text, university

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 May 2015):

Honeypie agony auntShe thinks if she tells you everything it's OK - because she isn't hiding anything or lying... BUT she IS lying. Showing stuff to the "girls" back home is a LIE.

Now going by what you write I can see who she can feel sex with him is without feelings, because she seems a bit "stunted" in er emotions. If she can't FATHOM why you are upset... she really isn't a very emphatic person.

THOUGH I seriously don't believe she has no feelings for him. He is a FRIEND she have sex with. THERE is a BOND there. And if she USED to go home EVERY week-end to have sex with him... she had some feelings involved too.

Is she still sleeping with him you think? Or are you just really uncomfortable with their "friendship"?

<-- Rate this answer

A male reader, lawncare United Kingdom +, writes (11 May 2015):

lawncare agony auntYou seem remarkably chilled out for someone whose girlfriend is maintaining two relationships at once, lying to you and being fairly cavalier about her sexual health. This is parasite behaviour and you shouldn't feel guilty for acting up/off. I'm wondering why you're not angrier. Snapchat videos? Come on. I am 32 and an old man in tech terms but even I know what people do on Snapchat videos.

If you check through my answer history you will see I am not one for brutal suggestions and tend to favour communication, respect and noble behaviour. Right now is not the time for that. If you were my buddy and this is the student union and you're telling me the question you just asked the internet, I am buying you a drink and a chaser and telling you that this girl is playing you like a $2 piano.

The trust is eroding between you. That's what it's really about. She lies. She might be innocent in her dealings with this dude and the videos she sends might be utterly harmless. But she doesn't have sufficient trust to tell you they're in contact. And you don't have the trust to say that you saw the real name on the message. And this might seem like small potatoes but believe me, from small molehills mighty mountains do grow.

There needs to be a frank chat. About this message. About the lies. About the feelings. About all the things that you're not entirely on board with. Accept no bull and steel yourself for some hard truths. Examine the responses with the forensic nature you would if you were hearing this between two people you never met.

You also need to be honest about your own behaviour, because reading between the lines it sounds like you knew what you were dealing with her and have been perhaps a little wilfully deluded. No disrespect intended.

What convinced me was where you said 'since then she's known how I feel about both of them'. You don't elaborate, but it's clear that it hurts you, that you (want to) like her but you hate this guy. But why prolong it if it is built on lies? You'll just end up burned. Best of luck.

<-- Rate this answer


A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2015):

You have to tell her. Even if it so that she is not such a big d*&k in the future.

Btw, f**k buddies+ no feelings, I can believe. Trust me...

However, her chatting with the guy all the time etc-uh-uh, not on. Also, the context you've given us (if all true), really does not represent F**k buddies with no feelings.

She is driving you to insecurity and jealousy. The question is: why do you let her? And also: what does she get from it? An ego rub, what?

But either way, if you want to stay with her- you need to set much firmer boundaries (as in no, I don't like you lying and talking to him behind my back. Heck,I'd go as far as meeting him alone- if she met him in a setting with other friends, ok. But the two of them together-nah-uh. Also, a good gf will try to dampen your insecurities not fire them up!). If she doesn't want the boundaries- that's ok, but then she can't have the relationship.

ps: I'm wondering if she is just learning about relationships etc. at the mo- you might be more emotionally mature than her if you are the same age. All people make mistakes. Especially when young, stupid + doesn't know any better.

<-- Rate this answer


A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (11 May 2015):

janniepeg agony auntIf she doesn't know why you are upset, then she shouldn't be dating anyone. She can tell you all the time how this is not a big deal, but it is for you so she has to respect your boundaries. I think many people would agree too, that you don't stay friends with ex lovers while in relationships. Then she lied about who she would be video chatting to, so that's a red flag as well. Don't overlook things like these. It will creep up time and time again as you get deep with her. I don't think she is girlfriend material.

<-- Rate this answer


Add your answer to the question "She knows I'm upset with her as I've acted off but I haven't told her why. Any suggestions please?"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft