A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a daughter who is a sophomore in college and in a demanding program. She is very much an over-achiever. She is very involved in community service and is well-loved by her friends and college instructors. I think we have raised her and her younger brother with love and respect. We are quite close and she has always shared her life willingly. We are not wealthy, but she has wanted for nothing materially. .This semester she calls me nearly everyday which seems excessive, but I figure she must need to talk. She rarely asks about anyone here or about me. I feel like I have to ask a million questions to keep the conversation going. She often doesn't like what I ask, the way I ask, or my replies to her questions. She seems to be defensive about everything and speaks to me so disrespectfully at times that I feel physically sick. She might swear or just yesterday say something like, "stop whining" when I began to tell her that I would not tolerate what seems to me to be verbal abuse. Her tone with me is most offensive and hurtful. Her boyfriend goes to school nearby and spend lots of time at her place, but he is having a tough time at school. I don't know if there is something there that is causing her to behave this way, and when I ask, she tells me that I am making something of nothing, or that I ask too many questions about her boyfriend when she "has it just as tough". There is much more to this, but I need some advice about how to handle the situation.I love her so much, but I am not really looking forward to her coming home for Thanksgiving which makes me sad. I feel all tied up, like I just don't know how or what to talk about because she gets so angry and defensive. She is not always this way, but one never knows. Any advice on what to do, say, think? Thank you. Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, uhuh...right +, writes (9 November 2007):
Have you considered that her "attitude" is just a mimic of some of her friends? It's sad that it is very popular for girls to be dingy, bratty, smartmouthed ... maybe she is trying to be "cool". Maybe, when you have her home away from her friends, things will be better. It would be worth seeing how she acts, in my opinion. You can't rule out that something bad has happened. Maybe by way of the boyfriend, maybe something entirely different, like drugs or such. Maybe she is reaching out and holding on to you daily as a way to ground herself out of the life she's in right now. I do think though that you have to wait for her timing. She is an adult. She will talk to you when she is ready. Be glad that she is obviously not trying to distance herself. When she is at home for Thanksgiving, I would ask her if there was anything that she needs or if there was anything I could do to help her. I would tell her that things seem different and it makes you sad. That you are willing to help in whatever way is necessary to fix it. That you want for her to be happy.
That's my two cents worth. Good luck. I can tell your daughter, when she grows up, will be a great friend to you and you to her. Keep caring as much as you do.
A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (9 November 2007):
 If she's calling everyday, and didn't do that before, she either really misses her family, or there is something that is really bothering her.
I don't want to worry you at all, but I answer according to possibilities of what may be going on, and doing so off a few paragraphs of information. It may be right, possibly right or way out there. Is there a possibility this change in behavior and treating you this way is her acting out what she is personally experiencing with her boyfriend, or someone else? Or it could be stress related due to her workload.
When someone acts one way, then turns and it's almost like "who are they" generally something has happened to cause that change. She's an adult, it's not like a child learning to talk or walk. Her behavioral patters were set before she left to school, so to change those, something has to abruptly interfere with her normal way of being.
I'd ask her directly: "Has something happened you want to talk about?" Questions directly related to pulling information out. Sometimes people want to talk, but don't know what to say, or may feel fear to do so.
I hope everything works out. Take care.
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