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She is a virgin but I am not, how can I make her first time perfect?

Tagged as: Sex, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 August 2010) 4 Answers - (Newest, 29 August 2010)
A male France age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hello

my problem would sound a bit unusual..my girfriend and i are plannin to have sex soon.. shes a virgin but im not. i had many girls in bed so im pretty experienced..but the thing is i never had a virgin in my life and it actually freaks me out to know that i will have one soon lol . i love her so much like im crazy abt her and so is she..and i really want her first time to be perfect..i know that it wont be like how it would be later since it will hurt her the first time, but i really wanna make it as enjoyable as possible..i would really appreciate some advices from girls and also guys..thanks a lot

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010):

idiot! how can you be so super experienced but don't know how to please a virgin? Firstly, she wont know what is good sex and whats not, so relax. What I suggest is calm, a lot of kissing, foreplay, and gentle slow sex (speed up the tempo later if it feels right).

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A male reader, daletom United States +, writes (26 August 2010):

First time sex is probably NEVER even close to "perfect" from the physical perspective. Most women report that their first sexual intercourse was somewhere between "very uncomfortable" and "hurt like hell". Something like half of all women say they bled enough to notice.

When my wife and I exchanged virginity (she gave hers to me, and received mine in return) she expected it to hurt and she did have a fair amount of pain. A lot of that was because both of us were a little eager and inexperienced - I'll tell you what we could have done better in a moment. She bled about like a heavy period but it didn't last long. (Perhaps the only thing I really did well on that first time was to have a washcloth and warm water ready to clean her up as soon as we finished.)

Physiologically, it was perhaps some of the worst sex we've had in over 30 years of marriage - mentally and emotionally it is an extremely significant and meaningful event in both our lives. Though even on the physical level, we were eager to do it again only about 2 hours later so it wasn't horrible!

At the very least, spend some time - any where from several days, to a few months - learning about each others' bodies and how to pleasure each other without penetrative sex, with necking, petting, oral sex, etc. Make sure she understands and agrees to this. You should learn each others' sexual response patterns and how to bring each other to orgasm without intercourse.

A few things to "set the mood" are definitely worthwhile! Comfortable surroundings - plenty of privacy - a light, but special meal. Alcohol is a poor sexual lubricant but ONE glass of wine may be helpful.

(Many sources suggest three things that make a girl's very first time go better. One is for you to orgasm shortly before trying to enter her. It will help you have the control and consideration to be aware of her response, and minimize her discomfort. While you are "recharging" - about 5 or 10 minutes - bring her to orgasm with your mouth, fingers, etc. Then she will be as relaxed, open, and lubricated, as she'll ever be. The third thing to do, rather than getting on top or pinning her to the mattress, is to lay on YOUR back, have her straddle you, and let her guide YOU into her vagina. Encourage her to think, "I'm going to envelope his erection with my vagina.", instead of "He's going to stick it into me.". There is NO WAY you can feel what she is feeling - let her find the best location, angle, etc for gently easing into her. Unfortunately, I suspect most young women are too self-conscious and nervous to actually do this so you may have to take over.

For the record, my wife and I were both 23 when we exchanged virginity (she took mine and I got hers in return) on our wedding night. The story is in the thread "I'm a virgin and worried about my wedding night...", at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-virgin-and-worried-about-my-wedding.html ]. (Scroll down the thread to find my post.) It may be helpful to print that thread and have HER read it! And despite that lousy first-time, we're still married - to each other - over 36 years later.)

Like bowling, long division, or public speaking, good sex is something you learn through practice. It's an even more complicated activity than these examples. Like sports, sex is physical; like math, sex is mental; and like oration, sex is psychological. For most of us, both guys and gals, the first time isn't great sex. My first time was lousy sex. My wife's first time was lousy sex. (As I mentioned, her first time and my first time were the same time.) But even though it was lousy sex, it was very significant and meaningful to us.

The physiological mechanics of sex, especially your first time, are well-documented here on this Forum - the question probably gets asked a couple times every month. There used to be an article by "satindesire" (and many of the side comments on that page) that was excellent! I'd call it a must-read for you and your B/F except that it has vanished from [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/thinking-about-losing-your-virginity.html ]

Other threads I contributed to include "How can I make my first time having sex enjoyable?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-make-my-first-time-having.html ] and, "I want to start having sex with him . . ." at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-to-start-having-sex-with-him.html ] (scroll down to find my response), and "He's a virgin, I'm not. How can I make it meaningful for him?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-a-virgin-im-not--how-can.html ] and "Any stories about losing your virginity??" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/any-stories-about-losing-your-virginity.html ].

Something we weren't prepared for was our emotional state immediately afterwards. I've read about this and talked to others, and the details vary WIDELY among people. (My wife & I were both sobbing, and pain wasn't the major cause.) The best I can say is that you need to be sensitive to each other, as well as yourselves, because you can do some emotional damage without even realizing it.

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A female reader, Bermychick96 Bermuda +, writes (26 August 2010):

Bermychick96 agony auntOkay if you really want to make it perfect don't make it seem like you're desperate. Just sit down and talk about it. Do not go in to fast or hard because remember its her first time and your ripping her tissue inside of her vagina and that's really painfull. The second time you have intercourse with her it wouldn't hurt so you can go fast and do all the crazy stuff.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010):

Try fingering her or oral first. make sure that she is really wet and go REALLY slow. if it hurts just stop and try again. it may also help if she's on top and slowly eases herself down on you. hope this helps.=]

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