A
male
age
41-50,
Tormented Soul
writes:Hello everyone and thanks for taking the time to read this plea for help. I'm naturally drawn to questions involving my age group, I wish they could be placed into 'age specific' groupings? But that's for the web people to consider!Anyway, my plea for help. I'm currently in an unfulfilling marriage, we've been married for 14 years, but have no children and its been platonic for 15 months. Although we care for one another, the spark has long gone and I cannot it re-ignited. I'm not proud of what happened next, but my 'first love' who is separated contacted me out of the blue last year and we met with earth shattering results. Yes, I did feel guilty but we got on so well and I began to consider leaving me wife and starting a new life away with my ex gf. To cut a long and very painful story short, after about 3 months as I was putting my plans together about moving out and finding ways of commuting to work, my ex gf sent a text saying she'd started seeing someone else and couldn't see me again. She'd been seeing someone else and stringing me along just in case 'she burnt her boats' - as she put it. She said I didn't give her enough hope and I said she didn't give me enough time.I'm totally broken, I now found myself in a loveless marriage and I know I have to try and sort this out with my wife, but I'm finding it so hard to move on from my ex gf - in fact, it's made me clinically depressed and I cannot rid my ex gf out of my mind - she is CONSTANTLY in my thoughts, whatever I do, wherever I go. I simply feel emotionally numb and empty and trying to act 'normal' around my wife is impossible as I'm close to tears most days.Even if my wife and I make progress, I know I'll be haunted by the love and affection that I enjoyed from my 'first love' I know many will say 'serves you right etc etc' I understand why the 'Aunts' will say that but I'm hear to ask How do I move on and forget this ex gf who has rocked my whole life to the core?
View related questions:
depressed, ex girlfriend, move on, my ex, spark, text Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, emad khan  +, writes (16 March 2008):
 Hey!!! I can relate to your story a bit. Well, specifically about thiking about her constantly. I went through the same ordeal for atleast a year and a half.
There is a great book by Krishnamurti, called the awakening of inteligence- read this book. But anyway... I think a strong part of your desire for your ex is the pleasure you experienced with her, for that short time. Its the pleasure that you seek in your life. Have you ever experienced being with someone, and found yourself constantly trying to recreate a pleasurable moment you shared with someone else, or even with that same person. Not possible.
Try to work things out with your wife. find out what within the relationship is lacking- and fill that gap. analyze and think about it. Once all efforts have been exhausted- then may be the time to call it quits.
but really think about it- and communicate this to her. She may be having issues with you too, and doesn't know how to broach the subject.
Communication is really important.
I know your suffering!!! I feel your pain brother, trust me.. There are a billion suffering souls out there questioning their very existence. How do we end this constanct cyclicle thinking- it is maddening!!! But ultimately time will heal this wound. After my heart was broken- I thought about my x, every minute of the day. 6 months later, every 5 minutes. A year later every few hours. 2 years later, now, at least once a day or more. But as you can see, I'm getting over it. Its taken me time, but I really sense that its the pleasure aspect that really keeps me connected. The thought of her body, or sex, or jealousy, etc...because in reallity things weren't great. the sex was great! But then again- sex aint everything. So...
Meditate, stop the negative thoughts- do your best- i know its hard.
and give yourself time. Don't be hard on yourself mate! You sound like a good guy. take care.
A
male
reader, Tormented Soul +, writes (16 March 2008):
Tormented Soul is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou to everyone who has posted their views. In answer to the last comment, to say I'm bitter is wrong. I'm devastated actually. It would seem that my ex gf had begun seeing this other guy but had not told me whilst she knew i was trying to unravel my life. Right till the very end she said she wanted to be with me and when I offered to give up everything she suddenly announced she was seeing this other bloke. He knows nothing about me and even now she sends emails saying she misses me etc.I know I've been duped and that does not lessen the blow or my guilt that I feel for my wife. I'm not a bad person, honest, I don't believe I'm a coward either. I hope to work things out with my wife and that's why i'm asking for people's advice who may have been thru a similar experience for advice how I can leave my ex gf or 'first love' behind. Yes, i may end up leaving my wife and probably many will think thank God, but honestly, I'm not a nasty bloke, I'm just an ordinary bloke who was in need of love and care and after 15 months of barren marriage felt I finally had the chance to be loved as we all do.Again, i do appreciate the time and effort you've given up to answer my plea - how do I 'move on' after my ex gf has consumed my world? P.S I've had that beer and it doesn't help solve any problems! I hope my grammar and spelling isn't too bad now!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): Im amazed at some of the comments being directed at the 'first love' in question.
She was seeing a married man and broke it off. Im sorry but isn't that the advice all of us on here would give and do give to the women who come on asking for advice about what to do about seeing a married man?
Id like to ask the poster of the question to honestly admit if he is just being bitter because this lady refused to continue being in an affair with him. And to anwser the question, you were married, you had an affair, she wouldn't have left you if you'd been single, so how do you move on from that? Well, try not being married next time!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): Hi there,
You say in your update:
'Is getting a divorce 'as easy as that'? Emotionally, I can't believe it is! I know I'm in a state and I don't believe there is an easy option.'
Divorce is not an easy option, but staying in a marriage when you really would like to leave it is a worse one.
You say that you would feel guilty about leaving your wife, but your wife will be better off in the long run being free to meet another man who really wants to be with her. You say you're not a coward, but all of the things you say actually point to you being scared to make a decision.
Yes, your original question was how to overcome the feelings of loss about your encounter with your first love, but what you are failing to see is these are feelings you have as a result of not having been free to pursue this relationship because you are married.
Your marriage problems are what have caused all this, and you won't feel better until you sort them out. Who wants a husband who's only with them our of duty? I know I wouldn't want that, why should your wife?
If you were still seeing the other woman you'd be making plans to end your marriage, it's only because the other woman no longer wants to see you that you're now staying, don't you see how wrong that is???
That's the advice, it's not easy but be honest and sort out your marriage and see how it all will fall into place.
You are being a coward, but you don't have to be, you sounds like a nice guy, I hope you do the right thing not the easy one.
...............................
A
female
reader, Fade878  +, writes (16 March 2008):
 Don't go on about not causing pain to the wife...you leaving period will cause it so the bull about doing it kindly, gently, mutally is horse crap you tell yourself so you can not be alone and with it feel even more unloved and unvalued.
It is a choice to feel unloved and unvalued; feelings you perpetuate from childhood.
To cease all of this angst you have created from a poor life decision-seek professional help and start at the foundation and work your way up.
Rebuild yourself the way you desire to be with the help of a counsellor. Then it will flow out to those in your life and will be a better guide in making life choices.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emily Reiff  +, writes (16 March 2008):
 Its not really fair to your wife for you to have thoughts about your ex girlfriend..and you should just forget about the ex..she moved on and so should you..you cant base decisions on your emotions..your kind of doing to your wife what your ex did to you, dragging her along till you find someone better. think it all out and make decisions on how its going to affect you later on. the ex sounds like a bitch whos only gonna fuck with you so you should just forget about..tell yourself that you tried being with her and it just didnt work out and accept that. you can learn from any situation and believe or not you can take something from this situation that youre in now and if the ex doesnt see anything in you then shes not worth your time anyways and you should also leave the marriage and just take this time to find out what you really want and what you are lookin for in that other person and try to find that person...but dont hold your wife back from doin just that if you dont think that "its still there" then whats the point of hangin on? marriage is a serious thing and you marry the person you want to be with forever and if you dont think that your wife is that person than your depriving yourself of something that is supposed to be wonderful..what the ex did was cold and just fucken dumb and acted like a lil kid about stuff and dont you think you deserve more than that..Let go of something you cant change..and you cant change how she feels and the sooner you realize that the better you will be..she'll prolly do to the other guy what she did to you..hope this helps..just think about yourself and what would better you as a person and make decisions based on that.
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve + ♥, writes (16 March 2008):
 Whether you decide to leave your wife or not is up to you, you are asking how to move on after your experience with your ex so I'll concnetrate on that.
You have probably went many years without feeling truly loved and wanted but when you got back with your first love these feelings were all ignited again and it felt good right? Everyone likes to feel loved and cared for, male and female. She made you feel good, she made you feel like a man, all the feelings you lost with your wife. Okay, that's the nice part over.
How do you move on? For one, you KNOW you are capable of these feelings and you can have these again with the right person so that's a positive. Don't concentrate on how she made you feel, concentrate more on how she went behind your back with someone else all the time she was saying sweet nothings to you in bed. She deceived you big time AND she couldn't even tell you in person it was over, her love for you was "so strong" she told you it was over in a text!!!! How cold and callous and cowardly is that? Think of these things when you think of your ex, THAT'S THE REALITY!
You had a little taste after a long drought of what it's like to have a fulfilling sexual life. You can have that again maybe with your wife if you really try (it has happened before that married couples reignite their feelings for one another and if you want to go down that road then email me and I'll help you with that). Don't walk around thinking how you've lost the love of your life, instead walk around with a smile on your face and tell yourself how you were lucky to be saved from a relationship that could have brought you more sorrow than joy. If she can dump you by text yet do and say what she did to you when you were in bed together how could you honestly ever fully trust her again in the future???
You had a lucky escape! HOLD ON TO THAT FEELING and move on my friend.
~Eve~
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  + ♥, writes (15 March 2008):
 Tormented Soul, I don't think divorce is easy, even if you have no children together. We're talking about long years with this person, who obviously you cared for. And who might still care about you and must be feeling awful that you're now platonic. So, no, there's no easy solution here. You know the particulars, so it has to be you who really makes the decisions. But the anonymous female poster does have a point: don't stay married just for the sake of it. This is hurting your wife.
H2H said what I wished I had found the words to say. This is excellent advice: "The only way to "move on" that is to strive to see her as she really is.
And then, perhaps, you'll have a much clearer view of yourself, your marriage, and what you truly need to be happier."
It seems you will do the right thing. That's so right, man.
I wish you good luck, and I'll have a beer in your name.
...............................
A
male
reader, Tormented Soul +, writes (15 March 2008):
Tormented Soul is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all those who've kindly commented. H2H, you made a lot of sense with the 'idealization' and in many ways I can relate to that viewpoint. My all too brief encounter with my 'first love' did revive how I wished to be loved and cared for. I'm not proud of what I did, but the contact and love from my ex gf that probably highlighted just how lonely and unloved I felt within my marriage. I'm not a coward, honest, but despite me 'going over the side' I'm actually not a callous b*stard either. I felt unloved and unwanted at the time and I'd make plans of how to exit and depart causing the least possible pain for my wife. I knew that was never going to be easy and I know the guilt of hurting her would probably be as haunting as my feelings for my ex gf. What a mess!Is getting a divorce 'as easy as that'? Emotionally, I can't believe it is! I know I'm in a state and I don't believe there is an easy option. My question was how do I 'move on' and overcome the haunting emotional feelings that my ex gf left after she'd strung me along. These feelings have left me numb, depressed and with total inertia.I suppose being a man means I should just have a beer and get on with it does it?I do appreciate any help or suggestions - I know you've given up your time to read and answer my plea for help, so thank you.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): Your situation with your wife is complex and there's isn't a simple answer. But how to "move on" and being "haunted by the love and affection that I enjoyed from my 'first love'" is another matter.Been down this road many times. It sounds simple but will get easier every time you try this: SEPARATE the total person from the romantically idealized person of your 'first love.' They are quite distinct.More than anything else, you are having trouble letting go of your first experience of " **feeling** loved for who you really are." Having a too brief interlude with her has reminded you of that and made you intensely emotionally aware of something missing in your life.It's the *idealization* that haunts you.When she comes to mind, strive, strive, strive to remember some way in way she was not and is not the "ideal" romantic partner you long for. At first, it will very, very hard because your loss makes the *idealization* seem to be the truth.But it's not. To start with, if she was the ideal one, then why shouldn't see wait just a bit longer?Now, I'm not even going to get into looking at things from her perspective; we're focusing only on you here.The only way to "move on" that is to strive to see her as she really is. And then, perhaps, you'll have a much clearer view of yourself, your marriage, and what you truly need to be happier.Been done this road many times during my decades, and this works. It's just the truth in spoon-sized bites. And be kinder to yourself. A little bit of sugar helps the medicine go down. ;)--H2H
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): Be a man instead of a coward and get a divorce! It's as easy as that! If you hadn't been married, you'd have been free to date your 'first love' and she would not have ended it.
You will never move on with anything until you address the problems in your marriage. If you were going to leave your wife for the other woman, then you should still leave her even though the other woman is not in the picture, otherwise you are staying for the sake of it and it's incredibly unfair to your wife, and utterly selfish and cowardly of you.
Sorry to sound harsh but that's the truth.
...............................
A
female
reader, asian tealeaf +, writes (15 March 2008):
 WELL, SHE ROCKED UR WORLD MAYBE, BUT IT WAS MOST LIKELY PHYSICAL. or mostly so. i assume u 2 had sex. u need to addressv y ur not happy any longer with ur wife. maybe fatec has made it easiey for u 2 leave by not giving u kids. by choice or not. ur wife deserves 2 move on to greener pastures, and so do u. no matter, u cheated and that cant be undone.even if u do make progress, as u said u camnt forget ur ex. u have time to make amends witht the wife, but i suggest u move on. u will find love and happiness again. but ur wife will be grieved by what happened, and it will only put a damper on things that are already falling to ruin.u cant rescuscitate a corpse, and if ur marriage is dead or u feel its done, then dear sir do let the poor dame go. set her free with honour and let her know ur sorry, u love her and want to just be friends from here on in, and u want her to be happy and u recognize that things are never going to be the same. be gentle, be kind. yes she will be upset and hurt, but dont lose ur cool with her. just release her in love and understanding, allow her to find her new beginnings in life, while she is still rrlatively young and all. good luck dear sir.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew + ♥, writes (15 March 2008):
I see two problems here. One is whether you should stay married, and another is how to move on. I will give you my opinions on both, and you may decide.
If I were you, I wouldn't stay married. If you don't love your wife anymore and you're thinking of someone else (two different things), why stay in a relationship that hurts you two? I'm sure she also knows that the relationship is beyond salvation. She could be in pain as well. And she doesn't deserve to be cheated on. A divorce would at least be the honest thing to do.
There can be other considerations about why to stay married. But that is for you to decide.
Then, it's obvious you have to move on. We should always be careful when judging a person, but here it is really clear she was using you. What's more, she consciously used you and she feels absolutely no remorse. I wouldn't want to be with her. If you were with her at the time, you'd be in an abusive relationship and you wouldn't even know it. It is very clear you're better off alone than in ill company. It's also very clear that she is not the solution to your loveless life.
Sometimes you need to take blows, and very serious ones. But you need to believe in yourself and go on anyways. You just can't quit living because someone else doesn't love you. Needing someone to survive might not be love, but dependency.
Just think that your former love is not the one for you, and keep moving. The pain of love is like a disease; refuse to stay ill forever.
...............................
A
female
reader, shandygirl + ♥, writes (15 March 2008):
 You will never forget your "first love." I have never forgotten mine either. But, it is over with your first love. Evidently you didn't get out of your marriage fast enough, and she was concerned about playing the role of "the other woman, who the man promises that he will leave his wife, but never does" which is a very common situation.
You have to move on. Keep trying with your wife. Take her out to "play."
As far as the "spark" is concerned, (having a earth shaddering sex life with a new partner) it has been clinically proven that the "spark" only lasts for about a year.
You sound like a nice guy. If trying with your wife doesn't work... then maybe it is time to get out of your marriage, even if you don't have someone else to go to.
...............................
|
