A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I broke up a couple of months ago. I had serious commitment issues and after being together for just under a year and a half I pushed her away and subsequently she withdrew. While we were apart I have never been in more emotional pain in my life. She started seeing other guys, hooking up at parties, wanting to feel wanted again-I have nothing against this!. However three weeks into the break-up she had sex with another guy. When she told me i had a complete panic attack, I couldn't breath, and felt like my soul had been hacked at with a blunt blade.We have now gotten back together but I still find myself holding onto this incident. Logically I know she had every right to do this, it is her life to do with as she pleases. We also both very open about it. But the worst thing for me is that she says she doesn't regret it' she isn't sorry for it and she would do it over again if she were to relive that moment. I love her but I just can't get over this and am really really struggling. I really would appreciate any advice.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2017): I agree you did push her away. But the love wasn't so special to her that it only took 2 months for her to bed somebody else.. Relationships aren't so special in our days. If I was you id leave it be.she's already proved she isn't anything special
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2017): She owes you no apologies or regret for anything she did while single. But that freedom cuts both ways. You are not required to feel the same way about her anymore.You need to stop looking at this as something to get over. You won't get over it. It won't go away. The problem (for you) is not only what she did, but the fact that she is capable of doing it. Before this happened you thought you had a GF who was not capable of doing what she got up to. To you, this was out-of-character for her. Perhaps you were mistaken about her all along or perhaps she has changed. But either way this is the new reality: the old girl she used to be is gone. She is someone a little different now. She won't ever turn back into the old girl. Maybe you don't want to be with the new girl because this puts you off. That's fine. You don't have to get back with her. (And you don't have to apologize for the reason. You are entitled to your feelings about her actions.) But if you choose to get back with her, then you are choosing to accept the whole new girl, the parts you like and the ones you don't.You have a hard choice ahead. DO NOT believe ANYONE who says you will get over this at some magic future time. You won't. At best you will learn to deal with it.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (3 February 2017):
Why should she regret it? You two were not together and you said yourself that she had every right to see other guys. If you can't get past it move on. It is not as if you're married or have children together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2017): You have true feelings for your girlfriend; but you were afraid of the demands of commitment. You were afraid to allow yourself to openly feel for someone. Like far too many of us men, the fear of being limited to only one sex-partner makes us act like jerks. We drag our feet when it comes to expressing our true feelings; and let machismo make us behave like pricks. You were being "boyish."
I have to wonder if she really had sex with another guy, or just told you that to manipulate your feelings, or punish you for hurting her? She was showing you that she could survive without you, she also allowed her rebound emotions to make her act-out, and you know what they say about a woman scorned. If she's your age, she's very young and doesn't have ample maturity and the best judgement yet.
Her behavior during a breakup is truly none of your business; for all she knew, you were probably doing the same. She had a lot of pent-up raw emotion, and she just let her rip. This is how most guys deal with a breakup, is it not? The double-standard makes the lady a tramp in these situations.
She was dealing with it her way. She had it with you, and she gave up a lot for you. You took her for granted. So take some of the blame. In fact, she had every right to do whatever she pleased as a free woman.
You've tasted a little dose of bad karma. It comes when you don't do right by another person. It comes unexpected and in ways most effective to reach your heart. If you break a heart, your heart deserves to be broken. To be empathetic, you must feel the pain yourself.
If she really did have sex with another guy, she might not have done it; if she knew you would return to each other. I'm hoping you can forgive her and get past this. She wasn't in her best frame of mind or using her best judgment. She may have wanted to hurt you, mission accomplished; but now we move forward. It takes time. I would be jealous and hurt if I were in your shoes. Very hurt! So I'm not going to down-play your feelings, or tell you how you should feel. You should feel hurt.
I hope you can look past this; because in spite of it all, you must love her. Not that many guys express their feelings on DC, but you have sensitivities that you shouldn't have hidden from her. You're apparently a good guy, but you failed to show her that.
This is too fresh to just let it pass. I fully understand. It is a blow to the ego, it is painful because she allegedly gave something you hold precious away, and it was done spitefully. If she really cares for you, I know she will do anything to win your trust back. Now man-up and see if you can make this relationship what it should have been in the first place.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 February 2017):
 You see you where afraid off commitment and pushed her right in to his arms. She wanted to feel wanted and needed. It is a bitter pill to swallow but she is not sorry because you made her feel unloved while he filled that void, even if only for a few hours. If you cannot get over it then you need to end things and concentrate on yourself and work out how to treat women in the future.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2017): Why is it that people are so quick to have sex nowadays with the first person that comes along?
There HAS to be something wrong with this generation!
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (3 February 2017):
OP, I get where you're coming from, but you have to understand that the moment you pushed her away and ended the relationship, you two stopped being an exclusive. After 3 weeks she was realizing it was truly over and what the heck, why not sleep with someone else? It's not like she could foresee you would want to rekindle the relationship. Even if you viewed the break-up as temporary she had no way of knowing that. You have to stop viewing the situation from your perspective and walk in her shoes for a minute.
Saying she doesn't regret it and would do it again if the same situation occurred might be some left over resentment on her part (you were not the only one hurting, you know) plus she's letting you know that she is not your property and that you can't take her for granted.
You want to have it both ways, but it just doesn't work that way OP. Actions have consequences. Just because you were hurting over the separation doesn't mean you get to judge her for what she did when you cut her loose. You simply do not have the right, OP. It doesn't matter if you would have waited longer before you hooked up with someone else, because she isn't you. She is her and she wanted to have sex after a break-up and she did and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. Be glad she trusted you enough to tell you.
However, if you cannot find it in you to get over it, cut her loose for good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2017): I think a lot of the posters here are being a little harsh on you, OP.Yes, you pushed her away because you were having internal struggles with the situation. It was not because you did not love her or were deliberately trying to hurt her. You were scared. Going through a tough time. We all get scared. We are human after all, aren't we?So, your reaction was understandable. Hers was not. I get that we all want to dull the pain. But that does not make a course of action which is retaliatory right. What she did shows me she did not and does not love you. And lacked the maturity to handle the situation correctly. A mature woman would have stepped back and given you space. All the while remaining faithful to you until she knew your decision was final. And a mature woman would not go around bed hoping after a break up. She would be patient and understanding. And if she knew you did not want to be with her anymore, she would move on eventually. There is no way on earth I could ever sleep with another guy if my boyfriend left me. Not in three weeks. First of all, I would not even be getting up out of bed, let alone, all dolled up and hitting the party scene. I would have puffy eyes, I would have no energy and I would be pathetically depressed. She sure did bounce back quick, didn't she? What I am saying is that she was NOT destroyed by you, by your break up. If she LOVED you, she would have been destroyed and there is no way she would have allowed any other man to touch her or pay her attention while she grieving your loss. It wouldn't feel right. So, I just don't get it?I have had arguments with my boyfriend. Some real doozies. Sometimes he walked away. For a week, a few days. But I always knew he would come back. I understood where he was coming from and I gave him space. That is because I am a different type of a person. She is selfish and very immature. And has no wisdom from life experience to back up her decisions. She was acting off the cuff, driven by pure emotion without thinking at all. She did not TRY to understand your predicament. She could have hung in there. Given you space to think it over. To come to your own realizations about what you want. She did not do that. She thought of herself only. Because the first chance she got she was off banging another guy. Yes, she is at fault. Without a single doubt.You are both very young and lacked the relationship skills to deal with this maturely and properly.Do not beat yourself up over this. The mistakes were made and I fear it will be hard to go back to the glory days of your relationship. When all was untainted. You both need to take ownership of both your actions here. And you need to move on, honey.Your girlfriend moved on the day she had sex with another guy.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (3 February 2017):
 YOU were the one who pushed her away so you have no one to blame. You accept that it was fine for her to do this now you need to decide whether you're ever going to get over this. It's not fair to hold this against her because you guys weren't together and she did nothing wrong.
Why should she regret it? Give us one good reason. You hurt her, why wouldn't she continue her life and sleep with other people? She will more than likely of used it as a coping method as some people get with others soon after a breakup as they think it 'helps' to get over someone.
If you're not going to get over it, you need to break up, it's not fair on her to punish her when she's done nothing wrong.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (3 February 2017):
 Your BRAIN knows that she did nothing wrong. You do not OWN her. YOU had pushed HER away. She was a free agent at the time of the incident. She did not cheat on you.
Your HEART however feels torn because you do see her as "yours".
You were both in emotional pain at the time. You just dealt with it very differently. Her way of dealing with it was to go off the rails a bit and distract herself with other guys. That is a perfectly normal reaction to a break-up and many people "cope" in this way. Why should she be sorry? There is nothing to be gained from it. It happened. There is no going back.
You need to either get over this incident or let her go to be with someone who will not hold it against her. If you had not pushed her away in the first place, it would not have happened, but I don't see you mention anywhere that SHE is holding that against YOU.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2017): Awww, I am so sorry you are going through this. It is not easy. Your heart must be torn apart. Hugs to you.Here is what is troubling about your girlfriend's actions.You were with her for a year and a half. That is a significant amount of time. Enough time to love another person. Would this be a safe assumption? So, once a relationship breaks apart, most people GRIEVE. They are torn up. In PAIN. They usually grieve for a long time; certainly a lot longer than 3 weeks. They do not sleep with the first available guy who pays attention! I can see a rebound happening in order to dull the pain but THREE WEEKS after a break up???? That is crazy! She seemed raring to go for some other dude to get into her pants! That is the FIRST problem. HOW MUCH does/did she really CARE about you to jump the first guy who came along only 3 weeks after you broke up?Here is another problem. She says she does not regret it, isn't sorry for it and would do it all over again if she had the chance.Hmmmm.No remorse is not a good thing. Neither is an attention seeking drama queen. She is just built that way. I believe she will forever be seeking attention. It is her way of validating herself. Likely she has low self esteem. Only a girl with low self esteem would do what she did. Her worth is based on male attention and your attention will never be enough.It truly tells me she is not very mature or stable herself. She does not seem ready for a commitment. I can definitely understand your feelings and concerns. You are right to feel this way.Now, some people would say technically you were broken up and free to do as you please. But it isn't that black and white. It's what is in between the lines that you need to really look at. That is what is telling you the truth.She was out seeking attention only 3 weeks after your break up. She was purposely trying to find another guy to sleep with. This shows a lack of respect for you and the relationship you had all along. It also shows she could not have loved you as deeply as you thought.You simply can no longer trust her. And with good reason.You are not absolved of blame either. You need to take ownership of your actions. It is not out of the ordinary for people to get cold feet as things get serious in a relationship. Especially young men. So, do not beat yourself up. You are human and what you felt was perfectly normal. Maybe being apart from your girlfriend gave you some clarity and made you realize you really did love her. And unfortunately the fact she went with another guy also made you realize how much you cared, because in a way you felt like you had LOST her.It is also possible she did this on purpose to get back at you. Or to show you what you would be missing. To punish you or to try to get you to take her back. And if that is the case, then what kind of a person is she? Is she really worth your time?I do not think you will be able to ever get over the fact your girlfriend slept with someone else and so soon after your break up and not only that but she was not remorseful and loved every minute of it. Talk about adding salt to the wound. You are going to worry that she does not love you enough to be faithful from now on.And you are going to worry about every guy that crosses her path.Because she does not make you feel secure or safe with her. Her actions have proven that.Every time you have an argument or disagreement or things get to be routine, are you going to worry she is going to be out seeking male attention? Yes, you are. You are worried now.I would suggest making a permanent break from her. She is only going to bring you pain in the long run. It is hard to trust somebody when they sleep with someone else. The trust never comes back. I can tell you this from experience. It is better to avoid all that long term pain and nip it in the bud now. Nightmarish visions of her having sex with another guy will play in your mind over and over and it will get to the point, if not already, where it is sheer torture. You will grow more and more resentful of her. And start to accuse her. And put her down. And eventually you will hate her. And withdraw from her. Even if she does not do it, your imagination will run wild and what is in our minds is our own worst enemy, regardless of reality.You may be hanging onto her because she is familiar and you have known her a long time. You have feelings for her. But a relationship is a two way street and there must be mutual love and respect. I do not see this on her end. I am wondering, was she your first sexual experience? And you hers? Is she your first girlfriend?I am so sorry to tell you that although you love her, you will never be able to get over this and will always struggle. Sometimes we may love someone but we must let them go. Because they are not right for us. And because they are only bringing us more hurt, which we cannot handle. You cannot allow yourself to suffer anxiety and worry at her hands. Love brings you peace, makes you a better person, makes you feel safe and loved and appreciated. You are left without a safety net underneath you. You are just dangling into thin air. Would she be there to catch you? I don't see it. Ask yourself is this the kind of a woman I would want to marry? In your heart of hearts, you know the answer. So, why waste any more time on this "relationship?"She did betray you. Technically, no. Morally, absolutely.I fear you will always struggle if you remain with her. If she said she was sorry. Told you she was trying to numb the pain. She made a mistake. She is deeply remorseful for what she did and regrets hurting you so badly... then maybe, just maybe you could give her a chance. But she was not sorry and would do it again to relive the moment. That she actually ENJOYED it? What does this say to you??Honey, she isn't the right girl for you. She is an attention seeker. Hooking up at parties, seeing other guys and sleeping with another guy are all elements of very bad behaviour and poor self control. I am sorry but I feel I need to tell you the truth. I have a few years more experience in life. And I wish I had left the person I was with years ago as I did not trust him either. It would have saved me many more years of pain as I tried to hang in, thinking he would change and that I could trust him again. It doesn't happen this way. I just want to share my wisdom and experience with you and give you something to think about.Sometimes to stop the pain, we need to let go. It will hurt for awhile but in no time, you will be yourself again. And you will no longer be struggling because you will have let go of the cause of your pain. We need to be brave sometimes and do what is best for our own well being. She is just going to keep using you, having the faithful and reliable boyfriend by her side while seeking her thrills with other guys. You deserve better. And you will find better. You are still young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Stop wasting your time and all the good that you are on somebody who doesn't deserve your love.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (3 February 2017):
Do the decent thing and let her go. And if this situation happens with the next one, do the same thing, until you realise what you're doing to them.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 February 2017):
 She doesn't regret it because you made her feel crap and he made her feel better (temporarily). Sure, it's a bit cold to talk about it like that, but you had pushed her away because of commitment issues and that made her crave someone else.
Sit down for 10 minutes, OP, and concentrate on whether you'll be able to let this go. You'll know if it's a "yes" or a "no" - a "maybe" is also a "no", as it has to be done immediately.
If you can't get over it, you need to break up permanently.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2017): I don't blame you for feeling the way you do, three weeks is not a long time to wait after a breakup before hooking up.
It sounds to me like you hurt her deeply when you pushed her away and broke up with her. I think she hooked up so quickly because she wanted to feel that she was still desirable and wonderful even if you didn't want her.
I think the fact that she is telling you that she doesn't regret it shows some lingering resentment or anger at you for breaking her heart. She might not even be consciously aware of this.
But, I think that she is being proudly defiant when she tells you that she enjoyed it and doesn't regret it. I think that subconsciously she is sending you the message of "your loss, you threw me over, so YES I had fun, and NO I don't regret it"
Understanding that should help you. Yes it is insensitive of her to say, but it comes from a place of hurt.
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