A
male
age
41-50,
*eel2019
writes:I am 42 years old and my girlfriend (soon to be wife) is 32 years old. I love her, and she loves me too. Our respective family members know of our relationship, and that, we are going to get married soon. We’ve their blessings. Also, we are both financially independent and college educated. We both had one failed marriage in the past. We both live in the USA, and our respective families live thousands of miles away (in India).My girlfriend and I have moved in together about three months ago. We have a healthy and regular sex life between us. However, every time she talks to her parents over the phone (which is twice a day — once in the morning and once before going to bed), I have to keep absolutely silent (I can’t even cough or breathe deeply). She even locks our bedroom door at times to keep me away from making any noise while she talks to her parents. I feel offended and frustrated by this behavior of hers, and I have told her about my feelings many times. Her response always is — “I can’t hurt and offend my parents by telling them that we are living together before marriage. I have to do this until we are married.” I feel that it is a symptom of other problems in future. Every time her parents won’t be able to accept something in future, she will use the same excuse. I feel suffocated and humiliated that I become a nonexistent entity in the house as soon as she starts talking to her parents. What am I supposed to do? I can’t accept such behavior, especially not at my age. At 32, she, to me, is behaving like a teenager, seeking approval of her parents for things that ought not to be their concerns. I am looking for some suggestions. Please help me!
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 January 2019):
 OP what you're saying is right in theory, that she's being hypocritical and dishonest. But who doesn't have shades of grey in how they are? Everyone does!
You seem to be annoyed and beyond! It almost looks like you have a bit of a complex. Do you feel you're not good enough for her? That she's not putting your first? That you're a dirty secret?
You dont seem to understand that you're none of these things and that the only reason she's 'lying' to her parents is so that she doesnt antagonize them. She's had a broken marriage and is living in a faraway land, do you think these things dont worry her parents enough? To add to that, you think she's going to tell them that she's living in sin and give them more heartache?
At the end of the day however, its your call. If you feel that this is such a big deal-breaker for you, then by all means let her go.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2019):
I agree with WiseOwlE and his remarks. I think you need to basically 'suck it up'. You can't have everything your own way and you are already ensuring a young woman disobey many of her cultural codes and traditions.
BUT, I would say that for any 32 year old to phone her parents twice a day is excessive. This shows she really does feel she has to obey them as much as possible
It seems to me she is generally trained to be a very obedient woman, used to doing what her parents say and terrified of upsetting them. This can set a pattern in place for the kind of partner / husband that is then chosen - and possibly you are expecting the same kind of obedience and servitude that her parents expected from her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): There isn't much point in her lying to her parents because eventually they will find out that you lived together before you were married. Surely somebody at the wedding might mention it? What would hurt her parents more, that you are living together or that she is lying to them? Having said that, if they are thousands of miles away then maybe it's better for you to stay silent for a couple of months just to keep the peace with your future wife.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 January 2019):
 If you can't accept her behaviour - then don't accept it. Everyone is free to choose their own dealbreakers, and they don't even have to be rational or " right ". If you know that something does not work for you- you cannot un-know it and you should act consequently.
Said that, I must say I am surprised that you are surprised- and so very annoyed. You are Indian, she is Indian. You live far away from your families, but you know how the land lies there, I guess ? in term of traditions, culture, social and religious obligations etc. That yourself and / or your own family may be as Westernized , as secular and as unconventional as they come, does not mean that yours would be the mainstream attitude and the easiest thing to digest in your country, in fact I am pretty sure it's not .In a place where still nowadays about 85% of the weddings are arranged, even among affluent , educated classes, - and where only about 10 % of all newlyweds have ( or at least admit they have ) had premarital sex- and living with the in-laws after marriage is still more the rule than the exception… well, I suppose that must say something about some things. Like the role and importance of authority figures in the family, ( parents , but not only ) or the way sexual life is lived , with many more restrictions and many more hung-ups, at least officially !, than where you live now. In other words, you can take the person out of India, but you can't take India out of the person…. at least not so easily, rapidly and automatically as you would like, or as maybe it has happened for yourself.
I agree with you that you can't rely just on what you can read on Internet ;), so I went to check with my two Indian friends here, one a Punjabi Sikh and the other an Hindu from Chennai. ( I did not bother to check with an Indian Muslim because I know already how Muslims see premarital cohabitation : huge no-no ). They both confirmed- in fact squealed !- that nooo, premarital cohabitation is widely frown upon and enough to give a heart attack to a majority of parents. Not in a " Uhm… I don't like this" way " but in a " you are the shame and ruin of our whole family".
Apparently, it's not just a trope from Bollywood movies- it's a real thing. At least officially. Maybe your future in-laws can imagine that you live your love the Western way but to know it officially is something that they don't want.
I think your GF, understandably, does not want to rock the boat since it's only for 3 more months then you will be married. Yes , she is not being very brave and outspoken, she is not taking a stand, but , I mean, is it worth it ? Causing pain to her parents, arguments, rifts in the family, and general ill will- just because you won't keep your voice down for 3 more months ?
I can understand that for you is a matter of pronciple, but I suppose that she is picking her battles; maybe HER principle is to have a happy, harmonious family and parents who are proud of her…
If this portends to the shape of things to come, I don't know- maybe. In- laws can be overbearing in any culture, and Indian in -laws do have a bad rap for interfering ( although, more on the man's side ) . Your concern that if she is so keen of pleasing her parents now, she will be keen in future too ,is not totally unfounded. Then again, once you are legally married, and living thousands of miles away from them, there is practically not much they can do to interfere , at least I can't think of anything really relevant at the moment….
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 January 2019):
 I don't look at her as a teenager seeking approval. I look at her as a diplomatic person trying to keep peace with two families. She is already going against tradition by agreeing to living with you. By making you silent, she is not trying to make you subjugate to her parents' rule, she is avoiding unnecessary confrontation. Instead of talking twice a day, it could be endless phone calls during the day, trying to separate you two. Why they need to stubbornly preserve tradition, I don't know. It's not like both of you are virgins and need to protect your innocence. You may think that living together first is a must, because you want to make sure that you are compatible, rather than divorcing later when you find out you aren't. Her parents, on the other hand, are protecting her interests. They feel like anyone who does not follow tradition are bound to separate later.
You can only change yourself, but you can never change parents. I don't think this is worth cutting parents off. When you get married, everything changes. Depends on your relationship with inlaws, you will no longer be an outsider, you are family. I do think that a healthy inlaw relationship contributes to the success of the marriage. As to whether you would have to kow tow to in laws, your fiancé should give you some clues as to how they would act. If you find out that her last divorce is due to her overbearing parents, maybe marrying her is not a good idea. I do understand the problem of monster in laws. Hopefully you can find out how they are like before going to the altar.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): Yes, I know that “living together before marriage” is still not accepted in the Indian culture. Frankly speaking, I do not care what are accepted and NOT accepted in each society. I believe, if I do something, I should also have the courage to stand up for my action(s). If I do not believe in something, then why do it in the first place and then lie about it? Makes no sense to me.
That brings me to my next point - as much as I know that certain ideas (in this case, “living together and having physical relationships b4 marriage”) are not accepted in the Indian culture, so does my girlfriend. Then, why did she agree to “live together and have sex before marriage”, if she “believed” in the traditional values of Indian culture? And then, how does she behave or claim to be a “dutiful daughter” by being dishonest to her parents?
One cannot have both — you can’t claim to be “traditional”, then do things that are “not traditional”, and then lie constantly to show that you are being “traditional”. That is just hypocrisy supreme and being totally “dishonest” to all concerned parties.
Also, just because certain things are being practiced traditionally for many centuries, it does not make it RIGHT. Women have been treated badly and unfairly for centuries in most cultures. Does that make it right? I don’t think so.
Seems like, whenever it suits us, we do whatever we like, and whenever it comes to taking responsibilities for our actions, we hide behind traditions. I find that hypocritical, disrespectful, and dishonest.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 January 2019):
 Oh so passive aggressive, OP...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 January 2019):
Oh so passive aggressive, OP...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): Interesting responses with full of “value-judgements”! One tried to bring the historical perspectives of the Indian culture to defend my girlfriend’s actions in one hand and yet termed her same actions as “charade” in another part of his/her response. Another, without knowing the entire scenario, accuses me of trying to “make noise”.
Anyway, I guess, trying to get constructive suggestions over the Internet was a stupidity on my part. Perhaps, I ought to seek suggestions from a professional, a licensed psychologist and/or psychiatrist.
Thank you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): If you are an Indian yourself you should know that living together before marriage is totally unacceptable in most of the oriental societies.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): Oh for goodness sake! Give her poor parents a break. Why do you have to make noise while she's on the phone with her parents anyway?
You don't have to deal with her parents and extended family. She's a woman, and you know how Indian culture and old-tradition treats women as opposed to men when it comes to virtue and sex. She's trying to be respectful of her parents wishes.
Look at your post. Citing conditions and making threats that you may not marry her. After soiling her reputation to her parents and family, you'd walk-out on her. How typical! How totally arrogant and spoiled of you!
Her parents are traditional. She wants their love and respect; and it would behoove you to give them the same.
If you want their blessing, go with the program!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 January 2019):
Then why are you going to marry her if this is so unacceptable?
She WANTS her family to think WELL of her, and OF you. And she KNOWS that in HER family it's a no-no to live together before marriage. WOULD you rather you two hadn't moved in BEFORE the marriage or can you ACCEPT that this "charade" will soon come to an end once you are married?
I know people WAY older than 32 who are STILL seeking their parents and family's approval. I don't think that is "teenage" behavior.
I think your fiance is TRYING to appear the "dutiful daughter" to her parents and honestly? what is wrong with that?
YOU sound like a jealous teenager, who doesn't seem to understand that she WANTS to live with you and ALSO honor her parents/culture.
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