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She flirts with me at work but flat out rejected an invitation out. What now?

Tagged as: Gay relationships, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 January 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 12 January 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I have liked a woman at work a lot and I was sure she felt the same, we are both bi-sexual. We've been flirting loads but I know she's not had a partner or sex in 14 years (she told me)and does seem to have a lot of walls up. However she has exclaimed she now wants to find someone. I thought we got on so well and I thought even if I was wrong and she didn't fancy me , we could at least be friends. So lately her uncle passed away and she has been upset/ stressed so I thought this would be a great time to offer her my support and said we should go out for a drink or something some time to take her mind off things and give her a opportunity to chat. She flat out rejected me. She said thanks but she thinks she will be ok and further added she was avoiding alcohol, I then said something along the lines of that we could go for a coffee but she just kinda avoided it. I then said well I'll ask the other work colleagues out for a girls night. To which she seemed quite annoyed at me for saying that as she doesn't like it when I and the other female colleague get along but we are just friends. She has expressed anger over that many times and i am aware she has said bad things behind my back. I then added she was welcome to join if she wished. To which she avoided and said you guys can arrange something. I'm quite confused, she majorly flirts with me, and yes asks about my sex and love life. But she also has said bad things about me calling me an "ice queen" god knows for what reason. However besides that there was a lot of positives signals there and I know I'm not imaging the flirting. yet she rejected me and my friendship and won't even go out in a group with me. Other colleagues have noticed she flirts with me so I'm left feeling very confused and upset as I feel that even my friendship was rejected. I feel quite shocked I didn't expect her to say no so bluntly. I plan on keeping things professional at work and keeping my distance but I know she will continue the flirting and it's very hard to avoid her. Please help and thanks for reading.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2017):

Thanks everyone for their comments it's helped a lot

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2017):

Ignore her from now on. She is not worth it. She is not worth your job either.

You tried. Nobody can fault you for that. You win some, you lose some. At least you know for sure and can walk away.

She is the worst kind of a flirt possible. A MEAN one. One who leads you on and then viciously shoots you down. What kind of a person is this? One with severe psychological issues and a shit load of problems.

She played her part. She encouraged YOU. That is obvious. Then she pretends to be offended that you pursued it further? All because of HER encouragement? What a bitch.

Steer clear.

I am sure you can do much, much better, And my advice is to look for dates OUTSIDE the work place.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada + , writes (11 January 2017):

BrownWolf agony aunt

Let me give a guy's rundown on this...as it happens to us very often :)

Not all women want to date. A lot of women...especially in the work place are just look for some attention. They are not getting it at home, and or, they will flirt big time at work, just to...how do you say...lighten their mood.

It does not mean they want more than the flirting. They want to feel alive. Flirting does lively things up, does it not? Make the day go fast, and you leave in such a good mood.

The problem...like with some guys....the see this as a potential opportunity. They make their move, just like you did, and find out the hard way that was not the intent of the flirt at all.

Plus...you did the classic guy move...look at it here....

"She flat out rejected me. She said thanks but she thinks she will be ok and further added she was avoiding alcohol, I then said something along the lines of that we could go for a coffee but she just kinda avoided it. I then said well I'll ask the other work colleagues out for a girls night. To which she seemed quite annoyed"

First the rejection for drinks. Realising a problem, you move to a more friend zone...Coffee. Getting nowhere, you feel okay, I will use other work colleagues to lighten the situation, and sneak in the back door to her heart... NOPE!!

You should have stopped at coffee. You ask for drinks, nothing...Coffee...Nothing....then you say "Okay, I'll see you around." And you are done...No flirting. Just "Hi, how are you?" "Have a great day", and so on.

Never get caught up in someone else's scream for attention.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 January 2017):

Stop using your job as a dating pool. It causes drama, and people do talk. Gossip about you wouldn't have started if it was all about work.

She shouldn't be discussing her sex-life with a co-worker anyway. That's inappropriate, and opening a can of worms.

If she has rejected your offers for a drink or a coffee date, then leave her alone. Stop trying to be friends, and just be co-workers. Then you tried to annoy and manipulate her by telling her in an indirect way, you can choose other women willing to take her place.

Can-it with the office Romeo routine, before you get canned!

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (11 January 2017):

chigirl agony auntWhy on earth would you want to date a woman who you know has been saying bad things behind your back...? Have some self respect. Stay away from this bad person.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 January 2017):

Honeypie agony auntMy advice?

Quit the flirting. She likes the attention and is even acting "jealous" when you do thing outside of work with others yet SHE doesn't want to go out with you. No wonder she hasn't had a partner in 14 years. Banter is fine, but I'd stick to trying to keep the conversations platonic and less "private"

Second part of my advice?

Stop asking her out. If you plan things after work with other co-workers have one of them ask her. you should have taken the FIRST no thanks, to heart and not kept pushing. Not wanting to be around alcohol was NOT why she turned you down, that was just the first excuse she could think of, hence the second time and the third time she turned you down.

While I get you find her attractive and whatnot, she isn't dating material, hence the 14 years without a partner. THAT is, I bet you by choice. Maybe she had a really bad experience that has simply paralyzed her from wanting to date. She says.... she wants to date, but in reality, she doesn't.

And the third part of my advice?

Don't look for dates in the workplace. It complicates things and can make for an awkward work environment.

If you are looking for a GF/partner - this woman isn't it. Look elsewhere, preferably outside the office.

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