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She dumped me and is with someone else but says she still loves me, do I try to move on or try to get her back?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 December 2007) 5 Answers - (Newest, 16 May 2008)
A male United States, *old4this writes:

ok, I am not together with my girl anymore. she has gotten into something with another guy and everything. she broke it off with me. I still love her and i want her back. I could let this go, but she's not letting me. she still wants to talk with me and everything. she said she still loves me and all. But I feel like i'm being like a puppet on a string. It's like she does care for me a great deal otherwise she wouldn't be trying to keep in contact like she does. But, I feel like her back up plan. I am nobody's second choice/fiddle. I don't get it. Someone please explain. She knows I don't want tobe her "friend" only. So why is she keeping me hanging on? She told me to date other people. But it feels like this is temporary and we will get back together later. I want her back and I believe she would like to try again too,... just not right now. I am trying to move forward. But it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. right now it's impossible. Please people, tell me something to make me feel better. Tell me if I walk away and let her make the moves that I will get her back, if she really does care for me.

View related questions: get back together, move on

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008):

I know what you want to hear and what you don't because I'm going through the exact same thing. The sensible thing to do would to say anyone that can't commit to someone they love is not worth the heart ache and you should walk. Now I can't except this because I'm a fool. If you think you don't want a huge regret later in life and want to try to get her back don't be at her beckon call, your helping her heal from the pain of not having you and keeping yours going. Be a bit secretive and let her see that your ok with not being with her, you have your own life without her and u dont need her. She sounds like she craves your attention still so deprive her of what she want's and she may feel the only way to get it back is to recindle things, at that point you can start to laying rules down. Getting her back may prove easy tho in comparrison to keeping her. Good luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2008):

Well I know how you feel...whatever you do keep talking to her...and maybe get another girl see how it goes....while your with that other girl keep talking to her...i know its bad to use the other girl but just don't make her think its serious

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A male reader, 2old4this United States +, writes (5 January 2008):

2old4this is verified as being by the original poster of the question

2old4this agony auntOk Starfairy. We were together a little over a year. She definitely has feelings for me still. Somewhere along the way I guess she just lost that initial attraction for me. It's not something that happens on purpose. And this guy she's seeing is that "grass greener on the other side" thing. I'm sure she likes him and all, but I would imagine it wont last. If she does see that I was better for her I don't think anything I say is gonna bring it sooner. I am trying to not talk too her for at least a month and I have to work on myself so that she gets that attraction back for me. I was just wondering if there is anything you would recomend that may work for me to stop thinking about her so much or if there is something that you think I could do that would bring her closer in thinking "us" again instead of telling her I love her and everything because that would only push her away. I think I just got to dissappear for a while. But until thin the pain for me is still strong

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (1 January 2008):

rcn agony auntYou need to moove on. I had someone like that once years ago. I finally told her I loved her and always will, but I can no longer be with her.

We're currently recording a song that is based of that behavior. The corus says "I wasn't good enough for you then, so I sure and the hell aint now." You need to tell her you love her, you won't be played, she moved on so it's only right for you to do so as well. I also made one ex mad, she cheated, I ended it, she was with someone else and wanted me to come in to sleep with her after dropping her off at home. I told her "I won't help her do to someone else, what she did to me." You need to stand up for yourself and your rights. You have the right to good treatment by others, now it's time to demand it. I choose not to hang around anyone who's disrespectful to others, who gossips, hold any double standars, etc. If you remain their to be her puppet, that's a personal choice. If you don't want to be and change your direction with these relationships, be firm and stick to your beliefs. You have the choice of which direction you go, don't let someone like her attempt to take control of that area of your life. Life if short, live according to strong standards and not letting others take advantage.

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A female reader, starfairy United Kingdom +, writes (31 December 2007):

starfairy agony auntSo she's either behaving this way for one of 2 reasons.

1. She still has feelings for you, just needed a break from the relationship, perhaps felt it was a little stale and wanted a taste of something else, and when she's ready she'll come back to you. If you want to wait around. Which is why she's keeping you sweet by keeping in contact and telling you she loves you still, so your feelings won't fade for her.

2. She doesn't want to be with you but is finding it hard to let go of the relationship and finding it hard to get closure. You didn't say how long you had been together, how long you've been split up, and how long she's been with this other guy.

Sometimes when you've been with someone a long time, the relationship has become routine, you're used to seeing, speaking, texting, calling one person every day and all of a sudden that's gone, and it's hard to get out of thast frame of mind.

Her relationship with this other guy is probably a rebound thing, if she still has string feelings or a connection with you, they can't have much of a future.

It's not a good sign you feeling like second best. You don't want to feel like someone's back up plan.

You need to get this girl on her own in a place where you can both comfortably talk. You need to set down some ground rules. She needs to tell you how she feels and what she wants. If she's confused, ok, but you need to knwo what she's confused about, you, the relationship? Does she need time? When you know where you stand you will feel alot better, you will then know that there is either hope of you getting back together if you give her space, or you will have the closure you need to move on.

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