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She doesn't know how I feel... do I take a chance?

Tagged as: Teenage, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 February 2005) 5 Answers - (Newest, 15 February 2008)
A , anonymous writes:

For some time Ive have a really big crush on a girl in my year, and can go as far as saying i love her. But im not sure if she feels the same way. I havn't told her how I feel because Im afraid of being rejected and humiliated, and because ive spent so long worrying what to do, another guy has come along and she has now got a new bf. I really want to be with her. Should i tell her how i feel dispite her having a bf and possibly getting really hurt, or do I just try to accept nothing is going to happen between us?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008):

i have the same problem except i know the girl better than any other guy, she has said "i love you" several times but im not sure if she was serious. she now has a boyfriend and every time i try to talk to her she is too busy talking to her bf

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2005):

Sometimes... people hurt the ones who love them the most, and sometimes they just hold the ones who will leave them lost... My brother, i can say i'm pretty in the same situation. I haven't decided what i'm gonna do, but most likely i'll wait to see what the day brings. =)

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A reader, Dominique McDonald, writes (13 February 2005):

Even though you may be rejected do you really want to go through life saying what if? I say take a deep breath and tell her. She either likes you or she doesn't and if she doesn't you'll get over it and move on. Yes it will be hard but c'est la vie. You sound like a lovely person and if you don't end up with her you will end up with someone even better because they will feel the same way you do and nothing can beat that. Good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2005):

The answer by BJC is absolutely spot on! I was in exactly in that sort of situation when I would have been about your age. As it turned out I was such a 'nice guy', I helped her out getting together with her new bf even though I was nuts about her and he was a good pal. I spent many a grief stricken week while wondering what would have happened if I had said something, before or after!

Turns out, you can't do anything about the past except learn from it. Leave her to her boyfriend. Don't mention anything to her, she may have already known you had a crush, so don't open yourself up to more hurt. Zip it up and turn the page! There will be a new chapter....

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A female reader, Bev Conolly Australia +, writes (10 February 2005):

Bev Conolly agony auntHi there,

You sound like a lovely and sensitive young man, but you need to think about this a bit more deeply.

To love someone you actually need to know them. You can have a sincere crush and you can lust after someone and you can be obsessed by thinking about that person, but none of that is the same as love. (Even having a sexual relationship - which I know you haven't mentioned - isn't the same as love, despite all the TV dramas that insist it is.)

Learning to love a person takes knowing them well, in all their moods. It takes understanding what motivates and inspires that person and also knowing what makes her sad, and what she wants for the future.

This girl, who's the object of your affections, doesn't even know that you have a crush on her, so you may be setting yourself up for unecessary hurt by convincing yourself that you're in love with her.

You also say that she's now got a boyfriend. Well, matey, this may have happened no matter how you felt, or what you said to her. The sad truth is that all the people we have feelings for don't necessarily return those feelings. If you tell her how you feel now, you're just going to put her in an awful spot with her current boyfriend.

Since you're also worried about being rejected - if she was the sort of girl who would also "humiliate" you for saying you were attracted to her, you wouldn't want to spend time with her anyway! - I would counsel you to keep your feelings to yourself for now. Try to see the appeal of other girls, both in- and outside of school. Ones who don't have boyfriends.

Whatever you do, you're going to be sad for a while. But take consolation in the fact that it's not a reflection on you that this girl is with someone else. There are millions of girls out there, and, if you look deeply at most successful relationships, they didn't start with a schoolage crush. You'll grow up a bit and find a woman, not a girl, that loves you.

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