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She cheated. At what point will I know I can get past this?

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Sex, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 October 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 25 October 2015)
A male United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi guys. I could do with some help.

My Girlfriend cheated on me 15 months ago, and i found out around 6 months ago. IT's a pretty unique situation so I'll try to explain,

We've been together 8 years, and she's been best friends with this guy for 5. I don't doubt it was the first time, the change in her persona afterwards was so drastic that i think I'd have known if it happened before.

Nonetheless. Last week there were some rumor goind around about what had happened (he'd clearly been braggin to people, probably because when i found out she cut all contact with him at my request and he got bitter). Initially i was told it was just a one night thing when she was drunk (standard story!) but she confessed everything to me this weekwhen I told her that it would keep coming up unless she did.

I was pretty sure the guy was in love withher for a long time. Everyone knew it really, but he was in a relationship too and to be honest i thought he restpected her enough to not pursue it, and it seems that was the case for years. he started ahaing problems with his girlfriend and told mine that he was in love with her and they "did stuff" on one of the nights she was down there. she was due to return home the next day. She cut it short because she knew it wasn't right and stopped before they had sex. all well and good so far.

except she didn't come home the next day =. she extended her stay another day and they had sex that night and again the morning after. she then came home and i confronted her as she was so strange. she denied everything and eventually told me he;d said he loved her. she admited this week that they sent sexual messages and pictures and stuff for a few weeks after it happened and then she decided that she wanted to be with me. hed spent the whole time trying to convince her to leave me for him. and she did at one point, the night before she decided she wanted me.

anyway. she confessed all of this to me this week and its kind of all bought it back to the forefront. i was aware hed been asking her to levae me and that they wree going to be together etc so other than somthing happening the night before and her staying, there wasnt really anything new to be told (though i didnt know about the sexting which was out of character for her)

naturally i asked her why she stayed, she told me she wanted to fix her friendship and that she didnt want him to hate her whihc is why she never came staright home... she told me they had sex the next day (after a night out) because she didnt know how she felt about him and again in the morning she just went a long with it becase she was confused. now i know this is retarded logic, but i actually think that after shed rejected him and hed decalredhis love for her, that she loved him too. she has admited to me that she loved us both but in the end chose to stay with me because she didnt love him in the same way she loved me. its prob worth poinitn gout that id been awa lots working and she said she thought i never cared and that suddenly he came along and made her feel loved.

i guess my question is this, does the fact she loved him, and that they were friends for so long ean i shoudl try to forgive her? if it was a one night stand with a random guy, then id have left already.

she spiralled into depression afterwards (before i knew) and i saw that, she cut all contact with him (and has remained nc) and she chose to be with me, so i believe that she is sorry and wants to be with me, but sometimes i cant look at her without thinkinf of the two of them together. i feel like a bit of a caveman for this as we've both obviously had sex with other people in the past, any times on handling this? This was getting a lot better, the last couple of months or so we were getting back to normal andhaving fun again and this all resurfaced and has knocked it back. but now i feel worse because i know she consciously stayed down there and lets be honest, she knew what was going to happen. do you think this is unforgivable or is she just a girl that fell inn love with two guys and handled it wrong?

its bizzare , id never felt anything but absolute love for this girl, which is still there most of the time, but now theres this churning in my stomache that replaces it sometimes. i go from being crazy about her (shes the most beautiful and lovable gilr in the world... this aside!) to being furious when i look at her.

i have an oportunity to leave the country and work abroad, a fresh start as it were. but i want it to work with her if possible how logn do you think i should give this? do you think there are things that i can do to help myself get over this? it's bizzare, because i UNDERSTAND why it happened. they loved eachother, i look back and realise it was so obvious. if im honest with myself and id been in the same situation with a girl i felt the same way with, i wonder if i would have done the same or not (now i know how it feels to be on the recieveing end i wouldn;t though)

i'm just spewing words onto this page now so i'll shut up... you can probably tell by the lack of structure im a bit of a mess again.

i still love this girl. I want it to work with her, but at what point do i know that i jsut cant get past what happened?

View related questions: best friend, cheated on me, drunk, one night stand

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2015):

I took a woman back after an incident like this. I am still with her two years later.

It still burns me up inside. Every day.

I did all the "right" things, relationship counseling, etc. That will probably save the relationship but it won't do anything for your self respect needs.

In hindsight I wish I had left. At the very least I should have separated for a while.

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A male reader, oneguy United States +, writes (9 October 2015):

oneguy agony aunt8 years is a very long time. I cannot even begin to imagine your state my friend.

You do seem to really love her. It is time to let her go from your heart. Only then would you be able to get past it. You have time on your side, for you still are young and less than 30 years of age. I'm not saying this lightly. Age and health are huge factors in life. Take care of your health. Start exercising, eat right, sleep on time, work intensely and look forward forcibly.

Move on, this is my sincere advice. She didn't act randomly, it wasn't a one off mistake. There was a huge hole in her life that you never filled. You were never right for her, even if you felt that she was for you.

I hope you find a person again, who can fill you with love and happiness, and who is worthy of your loyalty. Wishing you the very best.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (8 October 2015):

Ivyblue agony auntThats a tuff question, I guess it would vary greatly between the individual so knowing the when or if you will get past it will be when you get past it. I have very little tolerance for cheaters. most justifications are based on blaming or just their own selfishness . It doesn't 'just happen' either because there is plenty of time between getting naked to know what you are doing is wrong-its a choice and a bad one. Your gf had a whole day and still she chose to have sex then the next day again and continue the deception for weeks on end. The fact that you work away and her THINKING you didn't care is an example of the blame game justification I mentioned before. Ive done wrong but Ill try my darndest to make you believe it was your fault some how. Please don't be blind sided by that.

What you are experiencing atm are know as 'flashbacks'. Random thoughts and emotions caused by a gazillion different triggers. A smell, a scene movie, a song, an event, sex and the list goes on. Can be very difficult to navigate through because in most cases you don't have the support or understanding from the offending partner because all they want to do is forget it and believe that you should 'get over it'. so in essence they still make things all about them, just like the affair in the first place. Getting past it, I think depends on just how willing the cheating partners is willing to get on board with the healing process. For that reason I would strongly advice the help of a qualified therapist. Not your friends, not just you and her- A therapist. Sorry is not enough-she needs to own it. all the best

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A female reader, Honeygirl South Africa +, writes (8 October 2015):

Honeygirl agony auntHon, you need to find yourself an individual counsellor who is experienced in infidelity, who will help you on this rollercoaster of feelings that you are experiencing.

Have you been to your doctor for STI and HIV testing? If not, go NOW. Your gf should also be going for testing.

Furthermore, there is NO JUSTIFICATION FOR CHEATING, it is a conscious act, if they so loved each other then she should have broken up with you and moved on with him. But SHE CHEATED on you knowingly, and the hurt is immense. She didn't care about you when she was cheating. You meant nothing to her.

You are not at fault and nothing you have ever done in your relationship caused her to cheat - she did that all by herself.

Now, you need to make a decision, as to whether you stay with her or you move on with your life. You both need counselling - her to understand WHY she did it, and how to repair her relationship with you and you so that you can cope, because at the moment you are really hurting.

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