A
male
 ,
anonymous
writes:Thank you for taking the time to read this. I also have to readjust my style of speech, since I wish to remain anonymous. =)So I've been going out with this girl for about 15 months now. We've had quite a few ups and downs in the last 13 months. In those 13 months, 3 of them were pretty good, and after that, things started doing the up and down thing again. Here's my dilemma - I want to work on building our future together. I desire to see her smile and laugh with me through happy times, and I desire to be there by her side and help her when she goes through sadder times. I also want to encourage her to achieve her goals, whatever they may be, and the very least, I wish to help her realize what her dreams are, etc.She tells me she feels extremely comfortable with me. She can be as disgusting, and as silly as she wants without the worry I would freak out. She tells me I spoil her too much - that I am almost always there for her - not that I'm in her face all the time. Meaning she thinks I sacrifice my health for the good of her health, etc. She also tells me that I am a steady person with a strong persona.The problem she admits to:Her mind tells her she should do things for me, but her heart doesn't feel like doing anything. I am last on her list of important things. She won't leave me unless I formally push her away. She won't say she never loved me, so I can push her away. She does care about me, just that when she doesn't care, she really really doesn't give a hoot about me. She is only half happy. She tells me that her happiness is only half natural. She doesn't really know what she wants.The dilemma:I want her to be with me, but she wants to go do her own thing - which is contradictory that she doesn't want to leave me in the first place. I want her to care about me, but she only cares about me half the time. She tells me she doesn't love me, so I take that as "need to take time". She is influenced greatly on how her friends think of her, where as I don't care how people see me and her. Uh oh. No! I'm anonymous! Don't you forget that Agony Aunts and Uncles! =PAnyway, so what should I do? What should we do? What is the problem? If there is a problem with me, what is it? I admit, I am insecure, but she is the first person I've been with that makes me feel bad. For every 5 things I do good for her, she does about 1.5. She has improved over the past 13 months, but I miss what she did for me in 12/2004 to 02/2005 and then from 10/2005 to 12/2005. She was different, and sweet, and cuddly. I am at a loss, and even I am degrading my dignity at the least. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2006): Do you think it might be purposeful, the way she's acting? I have a friend who's been married 5 years. Her husband runs circles around her. It is obvious he loves her to death, but not so obvious how she feels about him. She told me that she never wants to be manipulated, to be a victim, so she assumes this attitude that she doesn't care. She acts like she could do without him, but she's with him and therefore he's the lucky one.
She is an extremely thoughtful, considerate person and she is very nice to him occasionally, but only in spurts. She always says "can't let them get too spoiled". This keeps him around, because he knows just how nice she can be and wants more. I think this is a way of keeping him on his toes, of keeping the "chase" going, so there's never a dull moment.
Anyway, whether this is the case or not with your situation, I must say that the couple I'm referring to is the only happily married couple I know, so this can work.
A
female
reader, Leah +, writes (14 March 2006):
 ok hunnie listen there is a problem, it seems likt you really care about her or well you wouldnt be writing in here asking for help.. but this is what i think if you treat her great she should be trying to do the same it should be mutural you know you shouldnt have to do all the work its a relationship and that means it includes 2 PEOPLE NOT ONE! and if she doesnt say she loves you then i gusse she doesnt.. you may love her to death and wanna be there for her but maybe it would be good to stay by, maybe shes scared because she actually loves you... i think you two need to sit down and lay things out on the table tell her how you feel about everything and if she still says i dont love you be like this isnt working for me, because its not fair for you to stay it and do all this crap for her and your hurting and shes having a great time... talk to her hun... i hope things work out...
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