A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am was dating a girl who I got on really well. One day she called it off. Not in the usual way, it sounded quite strange. Anyway, she has kept in touch with me for quite a while now. She sounds like she wants to date again. When I asked why she called it off she said she suffers from anxiety. Not me in particular although she said she is a bit more anxious because she likes me so much. So after a while I asked her aboutthe anxiety and what causes it. She replied saying she doesn't feel right to go into detail at the moment because it makes her more vulnerable than she is already feeling.What does it mean? Has something terrible happened in her past? She did move to a city away from her family for a fresh start 2 years ago.
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (10 May 2014):
 Exactly what Cerberus said. It's honestly not really your business until she's comfortable enough to tell you what's going on. I dated my gf for six months before she confided in me about her mental health issues. She just had to be comfortable with me first. I can't blame her for that.
I think it could possibly be the same in this instance. I think if you like her, you should be patient and not push her. Some people just don't want to talk about these types of things until they know someone well enough to discuss it. It can be very personal. Amd understandably so.
If you like her, give it another go. If not, then just move on. Good luck.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (10 May 2014):
 Only she knows the answer to your questions and because she suffers with anxiety, the worst thing you can do is put pressure on her.
Is she the only woman you know because you sound a little obsessed?
She broke up with you, so I would go date others. If she is wanting to be friends, then maybe that's all there is too it.
You will have to let her lead so she feels no pressure and if your dating others, not asking questions, she will be more natural around you.
And you will be having fun and meeting women for a potential relationship..
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 May 2014):
 I agree with CMMP.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (10 May 2014):
It could be anxiety attacks or something like. It takes a lot of guts to talk about it. It is common. Does not look to as though she is not interested. I think she is. Just afraid of being rejected because of it. Bless her. She does need to tell you, if you care enough to know.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 May 2014):
It could have been a lame excuse to break up with you for all anyone knows, so who knows? Also, it doesn't change the fact that she doesn't want to be with you. End of story.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): In addition to what I've said. She may need more time to deal with her issues; if she can't really talk about it. So it may be wiser to allow her more time in recovery; and check on her progress from time to time. Don't push starting a commitment with a person possibly under treatment. It may be too soon for her right now. Dating is fine.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): You have a right to know who you're dealing with, and how your behavior could affect her at some point down the road.
How can you commit to someone who has psychological issues they prefer to keep secret? How do you know when you're crossing a line that might send her reeling into a anxiety attack or worse? You'll always be walking on eggshells.
Dating her as long as she seems okay is find. I just wouldn't want to invest my feelings only to find she'll disappear again without explanation. Next thing you know,
you're feeling obligated to stick around afraid to cause her to have an emotional breakdown. Now is the time to move on; before this becomes another post two months from now.
I know many are going to suggest you be sensitive and give her a chance. Be supportive. If you don't know what caused the problem; you won't know how to avoid being the reason.
In fact, you shouldn't have to worry.
I wouldn't bother if I were in your shoes. I like to know exactly where I'm placing my feelings.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): "What does it mean?"
None of your business until she's comfortable enough with you to explain it is what it means.
"Has something terrible happened in her past?"
Not necessarily, she may just have anxiety as a condition. Again though, OP, this is a case of curiousity killed the cat.
Why do you want to know and what do you want here?
They're the most important details.
Because if you want her then patience is the key and not prying. When she's ready she'll tell you.
If you're worried that this may be a bad sign or that she may be trouble, or if you "just have to know" then please just say no and don't waste her time. A vulnerable woman needs a man with fortitude and patience. If that's not you, be nice and tell her you've found someone else or something.
OP your questions are irrelevant, only she can answer them and you've asked and she's told you she's not ready.
You say you like her, have some patience and give her another shot. I mean what have you to lose? Nothing at all, and eventually you'll get answers too.
Patience and empathy, OP, let her be the one to bring it up again. I know what it's like to date a woman with social anxiety, they're not in any way dangerous emotionally or physically, I've even dated women with a past filled with sexual and other forms of trauma. They can be fantastic women but only if you have patience, empathy and you hold back your curiosity.
So decide, is knowing why she's like this more important than giving it a shot, or can you wait a while until she feels comfortable enough with you to tell you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): I am a bit older and I am engaged and I get severe anxiety and it is not wedding jitters. We have both been married before. I truly get anxious and nauseated and sick to my stomach. I never felt like that in my first marriage. I was a young widow.My body is telling me that this might not be the right guy for me. I am unable to shake the anxiety. He has done a lot of things that have made me question my trust in him. We aren't on the same plate on some issues and I don't think our core values are matching up.Maybe that is what is happening to the girl you are dating.That happened to a cousin of mine. He wanted to marry the girl but her anxiety was too much for her to handle and she called everything off.I believe in dating a long time, especially the second time around and really getting to know a person. Over time they will reveal who they really are.I wonder if I should be single for a while or forever for that matter.
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