A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiI have been married now for 5 months and it all appears to be going wrong. we seem to have had 4 major arguments in the past 2 weeks, resulting in her telling me that shes had enough and it cant go on. we talked and managed to sort things out each time but it keeps coming back at me being the one with all the issues.It all started a while back when my now wife started to go off sex and it became apparent that i was having to ask for it rather than it just happening. I have tried talking to her about this issue and she has always said things were fine and it was the pills that she has been taking were what was making her loose her sex drive, i thought to my self thats a fair comment and carried on supporting her through this tuff time. After the 4th argument i found out that it was more to do with my so called change in personality that had led to her loss of lust towards me. I dont think i have changed as a person over the past few months, maybe slightly but not enough to warrent the complete lack of interest towards me. she sais my personality change is pushing her away.I love my wife to bits but there is a slight doubt in my mind that she is not being 100% truthfull towards me.Last saturday she met up with an ex boyfriend for a drink which i was fine about this boyfriend was from a relationship 12 years ago, i have met this guy a couple of times and he seems like a nice guy. so she went for a quick drink that was going to last roughly an hour and was suppose to meet me after. 2 hrs went by and she decided that she was going to carry on drinking with this guy and his mates and she would come down to meet me. that was fine as i was with our friends anyway, one of which didnt like her ex for reasons i dont know. so another 2 hours went by when she finally turned up., bare in mind we where both skint and had already agreed to have a few drinks then go home and watch a dvd or something, so when she eventually turned up i was ready to go home but she wanted to stay for another drink, which i was fine with, so i went home to wait for only to find her coming home at 2:15 in the morning,3.5 hrs after i had left her to go for 1 more. It must be mentioned that he was going to stay at ours that night which i had no problem with also.I was having a cigarette out of the living room window and saw them walking up the road arm in arm, thought that was a bit strange so i went to our front door to finish my cigarette. front door being round the back alley way. i had seen them walk round the back from the front and they should have been there around the same time as me but no they were down the alley way in silent, then i heard them walk a few steps and again silent. as they came up the door i walked off and waited in our bedroom.I asked her what had happened and she said they were talking, but beleive me i couldnt hear any voices. it was the middle of the night silent apart from the steps i could hear then the pause and more steps. she said nothing happened.The following morning she seemed fine with me. even though i had accused her of something happening with this ex, along with the fact i had had a row with her for staying out so late with an ex and not meeting me.She told me the reason she didnt come down to meet me that night was she didnt want to put her ex in a position with the friend of ours who didnt like him. fair enough i thought, But she was more concerned that the following day her friend was ignoring her as he had found out that she had been out with this ex, than the fact i had accused her of cheating with me.Any way we seemed to patch things up the other day only now to find out that the ex is going to a gig this weekend with her, one that i was going to but cant afford. I was told the other day that my ticket had gone and that it had already been taking by one of the other guys we were going to the gig withs brothers.I found this out through her facebook account. this is another story.Yesterday i got back from work and had seen her work email was left on the laptop and showed a message from her ex was on facebook. after all that had happened this weekend i logged into her facebook and seen a conversation she had had asking him what time he would be at the gig fri. this is when i found out he was going. i checked her inbox and she had deleted the message she had recived in the morning from the ex.i confronted her about this and she went nuts and told me the reason she deleted it was because it was a bit to forward and she didnt want me to see it.after all that had gone this weekend and the fact that i thought she cheated on me with the ex she is still going to the gig with this ex and still seems to think that everything is ok.we just have to work on it.I really dont know if anything happened sat night between them i just cant tell but i cant confront her about it as its thrown back in my face that i dont trust her. part of me does the other doesnt. Please help me get through this. am i mad and looking into it to deep or is something happening.Many thanks
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cheated on me, facebook, her ex, sex drive, the pill Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): Hi, this is the wife, thought I'd offer my side of the story seeing as everyone seems so quick to assume that what my husband has 'selected' to tell you is gospel and to just get rid. Perhaps you could offer me the same advice?
There is ALWAYS two sides to a story, and where-as during my husbands version of our marriage, as plastered online for all to see, repeatedly calls this guy an ex, what he neglected to point out was the fact that we went out for just 3 months - when we were 16! Hardly what you could consider a serious relationship. We have however made sure that we stayed friends ever since, good friends, but NOTHING MORE THAN THAT. My reasons for:
a.) Walking up the road arm in arm - you try walking up a hill in 5 inch heels after a night out and a few drinks! He's a good friend, it's not like he was carrying me over the threshold!
b.) Taking longer to walk round the corner - We were actually just talking, it was 2am, we just weren't talking loudly. When we sounded like we were stopping it can't have been for more than just a couple of seconds and was probably down to me again! unfortunately I can't really comment on this much as I have no idea how/why it would've sounded like this.
c.) Staying out later - Throughout the evening I made my husband aware of my where-abouts and invited him to join us, I was with people I hadn't seen for a long, long time and was enjoying catching up, apparently that's not allowed though when you're married right?
d.) Inviting him to the gig - This damn gig, I was told 2 weeks previously that my husband was unable to afford it, I asked the guy (yes another guy, I suppose I could be cheating with him too yes?!) if he knew anyone who would like it (as I paid I didn't really want to be out of pocket!) and he said 'leave it with me', he'd already mentioned before one of his friends wanted a ticket but it had sold out so I took it as a pretty firm it'll be gone within seconds! It was only days/a week later that this 'Ex' (who I’m going to refer to as my good friend from now on) asked about it, I told him my husband could no longer go and he asked if there was a spare ticket, it's his kind of music! So I asked the friend who I was going to the gig with, he said 'It's all his' so I gave it to him. Again, is that grounds for a divorce nowadays? In any case he ended up not coming because my dear husband kicked up such a fuss - his post also left out the evil side of him that comes out during our many, many arguments.
Oh and, one final point on this note, and I quote: 'as they came up the door I walked off and waited in our bedroom.' Read: 'I stormed off angrily, slamming doors and sat sulking on the bed before accusing my wife of cheating on me'.
I really could go on but quite frankly I'm fed up of this and it's no one else's business.
As for the sex, well, he mentioned the pills, thanks husband, another thing I love to read on the web, I'm on Prozac, I suffer from severe insomnia meaning when it was untreated I would go for months with little more than just a couple of hours sleep a night - months and months. My 'supportive' husband initially begged me not to start taking these pills because 'they change people' and he 'didn't want to lose me'. He didn't want to lose the tired, miserable, vulnerable and depressed thing that my illness had made me. Now I’m better, and so happy I can feel alive again! Sorry if that's ruined your plans for making me stay in all the time and have no life of my own.
But going back to the sex, which seems to be the most important thing on his mind when it comes to worrying about our relationship problems, when some one makes you feel as claustrophobic as he made me feel your instinct is to shut them out, it wasn't that I was deliberately doing it, in fact it's only been recently that I realised I was and have tried to correct that.
And right, the checking of the Facebook, he didn't mention the checking of everything else either did he? And the email that my Good Friend sent me was not forward, it was just really sweet - and innocently so, but because my husband seemed to make a habit of invading my privacy and had already made it plainly clear he had issues with this friendship I thought it best to not even go there! Obviously that was a mistake and if i'd known I wouldn't have done it. To give you the gist of the email, from memory here's what it said:
'Was great to spend time with you again on Sat eve, can't believe it's been a year and half since we last saw each other, didn't realise how much i'd missed you etc etc'. Not exactly classed as declaring undying love is it?!
I also notice he neglected to mention the constant calling over and over again, with numerous texts in between if I happen to be having post-work drinks with my colleagues - who incidentally are new friends because my illness meant that making any at all was very difficult, so for a long time I was the most unpopular person in this company, I’m sorry I got well enough to sort that out too.
I'm also sorry if this sounds agressive, i'd imagine if any of you came across something like this though you'd be pretty mad too.
In summary:
I have never cheated on my husband.
I do not make a habit of going out often, and if my plans do change and I end up staying later I ALWAYS let him know.
All the men in my life have been in it for longer than my husband, yet I married him, that isn't enough though. He has also met every single one of them, including the one mentioned above, on more than one occasion, this 'ex' (!) didn't suddenly appear out of nowhere, yet my husbands problem with him has.
A
male
reader, passionatelynumb  +, writes (15 April 2009):
 Your wife is giving you absolutely no respect here. She is acting completely inappropriate. You need to ask her why she married you in the first place. If she wanted to get drunk and snog her ex, she should have stayed single.You've given her more than enough space and trust.You need to stand up for yourself and be prepared to walk away. It’s the only way she is going to wake up and start treating you with the respect that she vowed to show you when you got married.
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A
female
reader, Lyshler  +, writes (15 April 2009):
You know what man,ur wife is cheating on u.She's playing u,am the woman I know.Set urself free man.You can find someone,who will love en give you respect.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): dude, Im sorry you seem sound and shouldnt have to put up with it. Its not okay you deserve better. You actually dont trust her anymore and sounds like you may be right not to. Seperate and then see if you come back together again. I think you can do better.Best of luck
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