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She acts like she's interested in me, says she's unhappy with her boyfriend, but she's still with him

Tagged as: Friends, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 May 2013) 1 Answers - (Newest, 6 May 2013)
A male France age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hello everyone,

I wanted to share a story of mine and ask for your advice.

So, basically, a colleague of mine that I have known for 2 years now has been sending me mixed signals and I do not know where I stand with her. Initially, I thought nothing of her and flirting was out of the question since we worked at the same place and given she also had a bf.

Then, with time, we got to know each other really well. I started telling her about my (mis)adventures with girls and she started telling me how she had doubts about her bf being the right one for her. Actually, she has been going on about this almost since we met, and I am surprised she's still with him.

Anyway, we have been hanging out more and more lately, to the point that she prefers my company to that of her bf's. To be frank, we really spend a lot of time together: we eat together, we walk back home together, we go to the park together, we go to meetups together, etc.

Now, I kept doing my thing and meeting other girls (most of them were weirdos however and I still remain single). She has been encouraging me in my endeavors and has even went as far as to cancel an activity we had planned, so that I may date some girl. On her part, she also secretly dated some guy a couple of times but stopped seeing him after he tried to kiss her.

Lately, the number of signals suddenly increased: she started bragging about how latvian girls are the best (she's latvian of course), she took an interest in learning more about my country and language, she comes to see me in my office every 30 mins for no good reason; even though I am busy at times, she brings her own paperwork and quietly works on a corner of my desk because "my office has good vibes" and makes her feel comfortable, she kinda stares at me in admiration when I talk...

Moreover, it seems like she cannot get enough of me as she calls me every saturday and sunday. She even went back to her country for 1 week and couldn't prevent herself from calling me. It was then my turn to leave for holidays and she seemed genuinely upset: i.e. kept saying that she will miss me and how lonely she will be without me... I am still on holidays and she has already called me once and texted me twice (while she never did when I previously left on leave). She was also upset when I increased my dating activity some months ago and told me that I don't spend much time with her anymore.

I have done absolutely nothing to solicit her attention or flirt with her. She just keeps running after me on her own. All I am talking about are those "other girls". She now even tries to imitate me and take on my hobbies.

So, she either likes me but cannot accept her feelings, or I am just some type of emotional support that helps get some validation (she always comes to my office to show me her new clothes or accessories, and I act indifferent of course...). Things are really not going well with her bf (for example, when I last saw them together last, she barely kisses him on the cheek and she was also texted me 30 secs after we parted ways to apologise for something he said). She keeps saying she must dump him, she's not afraid to be alone, etc. Yet, she doesn't do a thing. She even felt guilty after secretly dating that other guy and returned to her bf asap.

Despite her indecisiveness, she's a sweet girl and has plenty of things in common with me (same ambitions, same vision of life, etc.). I have never managed to reach that level of connection with the other girls i have met and I would have definitely asked her out if she was single. Simply put, we are a good match and other people seem to think so too. Many mistake us for a couple and some of her friends seem to suggest her to dump her bf and go out with me instead.

Now, from my point of view, our relationship is purely platonic. I came out of a LTR a couple years ago and I had lost the habit of gaming and acting flirty. Yet, she kind of helped me to get back my confidence and Comfort when talking to girls. We do tease a lot each other and I can assure you that she loves it! :)

Some things to also take into consideration:


* She has a bit of history with triangular relationships. She couldn't decide between 2 guys at some point of her life and was dating both of them (she feels horrible and not too proud of that period according to her). Her current bf is her 3rd serious relationship, so this happened some time ago, but I have the impression she's trying to do the same thing with me. She got bored of the old and tries to secure her way out.

* All this could be a huge misunderstanding from my part and I am simply in her friend-zone. Despite all the signals, some of her actions tend to make me think

otherwise. For example, when we are in the street or in a pub, she will occasionally point to a guy she likes. She also refers to the guy that almost kissed her and asks whether she should meet him again (and I can see some excitement in her eyes). She also recently asked me if I had any guy friends to introduce her to. On the other hand, she has been keeping me for herself and never introduced me to her female single friends.

So, have you guys had any similar experiences? What do you think of her feelings towards me? It's really tricky as she is both a colleague and in a relationship. I will probably not do a thing (unless she breaks up), but I still want to know where I stand. Why is she staying with her dude? Either I am misinterpreting things or she is not even aware of her own feelings. One solution to avoid any problems would be to put some distance between us (but I have the impression that the more I push her, the more she comes to me).

Thanks in advance for any help! :)


View related questions: ambition, confidence, flirt, on holiday, period, talking to girls, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2013):

The two of you may get along very well and enjoy each other's company, but seriously if I was in your situation, I would not get involved with this girl in any other way or beyond that. She is not a trustworthy person. She is not giving her relationship 100% and she is seemingly playing with fire whenever something interesting comes up for her. Who knows, she could be stepping out and sleeping with these other guys. She talks the talk, but she's not walking the walk. She is either lying about all of it, and just stringing anyone along for some extra curricular activity. She's baiting you, just enough...but your integrity and morals are stopping anything from pushing it over to crossing the line whether you realize it or not. Trust your instincts.

If you were to get involved with this girl, would you want her kind of behavior if you had a disagreement or something of the sort? Would you want her doing and saying all of these things to someone else when she was with you? Because she would. She is showing most of her true colors and you are on the outside looking in. Why would you want to get involved with a girl who goes out and secretly dates other men when she is involved with someone. Just look what's going on with this girl in front of that what you would want in a potential girlfriend? I would hope not.

Now, this does not mean you cannot continue to be platonic friends, coworkers, etc. But I would tread carefully as to how much you do and get involved with this girl even at a friendship level.

If someone is in a relationship, they should not be flirting with other people, they should not be dating other people, they should not be getting emotionally involved with anyone except their partner. If she wants to date around or get involved with someone else, she should do the right thing and break if off with this guy, but she hasn't. I think you are getting mixed up with a lier and cheater and a player.

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