A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a male best friend who I have known for about 5 years. We hang out all the time and love joking around. When we go out drinking we sometimes sleep over each others houses and nothing has ever happened between us, apart from one night we ended up kissing when we got drunk. We laughed it off and our friendship remained. Last weekend through having two many glasses of wine we ended up kissing again and it could have gone further but I said no as it would affect our friendship. All week I've been thinking do we like each other? Last night we started kissing again and we ended up having sex. During he stopped an said he couldn't continue as I am his friend and he respected me too much. When he left this morning there was an awkwardness in the air. We are both single but are definitely not each others types. I just want to ask have we ruined our friendship? He's the type of guy who hates talking about these things. He does use women a lot so I guess I should be flattered he stopped and said what he did. How should I react when I see him again? I really love him as a friend.
View related questions:
best friend, drunk, kissing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 February 2014):
 YOU guys would be the poster couple for FWB if you could all just get past the whole "sex will ruin our friendship" thing.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for taking the time to answer my post. I've seen my friend again today and it's back to normal and no awkwardness. I don't have feelings in that way for him and I don't think I was getting emotional about it just worried we'd spoilt the friendship. It's not as if I have done this before.I've taken the adult approach which was we were two consenting adults had a bit of fun but decided it wasn't for us.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): After reading your update I see it's pretty much been resolved. Except for the next time you drink of course, you'll most likely be at it again.
Sex does complicate friendships, it can change the dynamic completely so try not to lose control again, OP, you and he are prime examples of two adults who can't handle sex with each other, so don't go there. You + him + alcohol is bad mix so don't mix them anymore.
As for the part of him stopping, I don't see why that is a thing unless he doesn't respect the women he has sex with or he was worried you had feelings for him or maybe he does for you.
I've had sex with friends where neither of us had any kind of feelings for each other and it was fine. A few drunken fool arounds shouldn't be enough to put a strain on a friendship unless one of those friends has feelings as more than friends or your attitude to sex is to give it unwarranted importance.
I mean you had nothing to apologise for. It was just drunken sex, it's not like you punched him in the face or called his mother a bitch.
Try and be casual about this and laugh it off. I've slept with most of my female friends, and most of those were while drunk. Some handled it better than others but I think the key was that we don't have feelings for each other, can see that sex can just be sex for sex's sake without any special significance and there's nothing feel bad or guilty about because for that night it was just a bit of drunken fun.
Try not to be too emotional about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): Friends don't have their penis inside of you. This was not appropriate behavour. He knew he is not into you this way, that's why he stopped, but the damages is done. I had the same situation with a guy few years ago. We were good friends, and never sex was in neither of our minds. Then one night I went to a club with a friend and he was there. I got very drunk, and couldn't drive. He lived close by, so I went to his house. We ended up having sex, and in the morning it was awful. I didn't even remember what happened. I was drunk Then our friendship deteriorated 80%. Now we see each other but very rarely, usually in friends houses.
...............................
A
male
reader, DragonMan +, writes (17 February 2014):
 Greetings,As we all know alcohol lowers inhibitions, thereby lowering the masks/defenses we put up.I don't fully believe it when I hear people getting sexual and then saying he/she isn't my type, especially under the influence of alcohol, I tend to think there is more than what you want others to believe. Saying you care for him as a friend if fine but i know plenty of people who say the same who don't get into bed together. THAT is inspired by strong emotional link or desires so you either do have strong feelings for him but are afraid of being used or you are being too easily influenced and therefore I would say go out together without the need for alcohol
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): If you both don't feel sexually about each other, it shouldn't be an issue, can't see why you shouldn't remain friends, blame it on the drink.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): it's too early to tell. just don't say anything about it and avoid the subject of sex at all times until you're ready to talk to him about it. clearly you're not. gud luck x!
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (16 February 2014):
 Good to hear you salvaged the friendship. Perhaps it's time to date other people?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Aunt Em for your advice. I do have feelings for him but they really are for the friendship. I think being both single and having a little too much to drink we just got the feelings confused. I have spoken to him since and I apologized for my behaviour and thanked him for stopping and said that he had more respect for me. We talked and behaved like we normally do and I just hope our friendship remains intact.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (16 February 2014):
At your age it's hard to imagine that you would get into these compromising positions with this guy if you did not have feelings for him.
I don't think you are fooling anyone when you say things like 'He isn't my type' or 'sex would spoil our friendship'
you are in denial because really you would like him to think more of you, possibly have a relationship with you? but of course, you cannot think that out loud because you know this is a guy who uses women.
It's all very noble him saying he cannot have sex with you when he's already let things go too far...I think he's waiting for you to say:
'Let's have sex anyways' so he can do you but not have to commit. Maybe it's the length of time that he's known you that makes a difference, maybe he'd like to be someone who commits but just doesn't have it in him.
If you just want him as a friend, draw up some new boundaries. By all means share a drink in a bar or club but go your separate ways so you don't 'accidentally' keep falling into bed. It would be very easy to become FWB, but only if you arn't the type that gets easily hurt or offended when he goes off with someone else.
If you really are just good friends then start acting like it and stop drinking so much around him so you can keep control of yourself.
Good luck.
...............................
|
