A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I's like to hear from older people please--early 40's ++ only. My fiance in his mid 40's(I also that age) doesn't seem interested in sex any longer, and once a month or less is fine with him, I guess. Ruling out--he's gay, another woman, drugs, health issues, me not being attractive..has anyone dealt with this kind of issue?We've talked and talked and he always says the same thing "I'm tired", "I'm sorry for you"...but nothing changes. I love this man with all my heart..and do I just have to accept that sex isn't important to him? Does anyone else live like this? I just want to know that I'm not the only one out there in a sexless relationship. We live together. He's gentle, loving,(kisses, hugs, cuddling) gorgeous and leaving him IS NOT AN OPTION..so please don't suggest it..I just want to know if anyone in this age group has had this experience, and how did they deal with it? Again, I'd like to hear from people in OUR age group, not younger people. Thanks!
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male
reader, cappymd1 +, writes (18 April 2009):
I'am 48 and my wife is 3 years younger then me know i no that every one is different ,sexually but i love a good sexuall, relation ship im in the same boat as you are and no matter what i do or how hard i try it is the same old thing.Im to the point of saying a enough is enough, and when will it stop. this is a marrage,The thing is what do you do after one person changes im still looking for the ansewers and with no advice to go by, my words to you is the same thing i do every day is keep tring to make it happen and figure what you can do to make them acctive .Iknow this isnt much help but if you can find away or i find away i will let you know .But i am concerned about my relationship iv been with the same person for 25 years and you would think that you could talk about something on this matter. but no its like voodo.I feel for you i know what your going threw and its not right but it comes to this i guess ,When is enough a enough. Thats where im at and im getting closer to being that guy whitch im not . Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe doesn't have "days off"..on his days off he still goes in for a few hours, or is at home studying. He lives, eats and breaths work. Sometimes I can get him to go see a movie, or go for a walk. He has been here for 7 years, and supposedly he can get the visa through the hospital he works at. He can't just get another job and move to a smaller city because he is allowed to stay in the states because of his visa which is tied to his job..if he quits his job without another sponsor, he has 10 days to pack up and return to Japan. Very complicated. It is one of the reasons why he works so hard..he lives in fear of losing the job and having to return to Japan. Immigration laws are very strict now as everyone knows. Its just a complicated mess. He does take a vacation twice a year and goes back to Japan, but with jet lag ect..its really not very relaxing, I guess. He no more than gets there and gets adjusted to the time change then its time to come back home.
I understand that some people are just not very much into sex, and have very low sex drives. I'm afraid that this is the problem...and compounded by his job, stress, sex just doesn't play into the picture. We were in a LDR for six years, and seen each other once a month, and during those weekends together, he was always happy to be intimate, so I never knew about the lack of interest in sex until I moved in with him 6 months ago...But now it is crystal clear that sex is just something he can take or leave, and he usually leaves it. I don't blame him, I'm just sad.
Thanks again for all your help...I am telling him tomorrow that we just aren't suited for each other, and I will be moving back to my former state. He'll be so busy that he probably won't even miss me. Deep down inside I know this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): Just for fun I googled it: To get US Citizenship, you must have:
-Basic Literacy in the English Language
-Knowledge of US History
-Five years residency in the US
-Good moral character
(Dual citizenship is also available.)
It really doesn't look that difficult, just the waiting, or has he been here that long? wishing the best for you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): Sorry, I missed the part about the VISA. This is probably another dumb question, but can't he apply for US citizenship? I know it's a long process, but is that an option?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): Sheesh. Has he ever explored different doctor positions? What I mean is 'quit this place, and work 10 hrs a day somewhere'...how about a smaller city?Tell him life is too short to live at work. He's truly missing out on living. If he feels guilty in some oppressive way, then you need tell to him-- it's False guilt. Dont' let him 'get away' with pacifying you. Someone HAS to tell him his boss is cruel and your husband doesn't have to serve a life sentence for being a 'good person'. It's just plain twisted. He needs an 'intervention' to be freed from this thinking. I hope you can get through to him. It's a lonely life when all you have is work to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSounds good in theory ptvguy but his boss is the one pushing him so hard. One of my fiance's co-workers has been put on anti-depressants and is on the verge of a total meltdown(this co-worker is also Japanese). Japan has the highest suicide rate in the world and I'm sure alot of it is because of the work ethics over there. No, believe me, I've tried almost everything. I tried to talk to him this morning and let him know that I can't live like this any longer, and he just got really sad and said "I'm sorry..I understand"..so there's nothing more to say or do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree pvtguy, outward, he looks healthy, but he hasn't had a real checkup since I've known him...and refuses to go. I really fear for his health, but he won't listen. It wouldn't surprise me if he has a massive heart attack one day the pace he keeps. I wish he would listen, but he won't...and I can't force him. My pleas fall on deaf ears. Another reason why I know its time to go. He's a workaholic in the truest form and I just can't sit by and watch him kill himself any longer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, doctors are actually the worst patients, its true..This man will have chest pains and ignore them..DUH..and he's a cardiologist for God's sake! I often think he is depressed, but he won't acknowledge it, or talk about it. And yes, him being Japanese plays a huge part in his work ethics. I thought with him living over here for 7 years that he would "relax" his work ethics, but no way..I am sad beyond belief, but I am beginning to realize that I'm just not important enough for him to change even a little..and to Steve S..sadly it does cross my mind that perhaps there is a "mistress" somewhere. I am quite well read about Japanese men, ect..and I know many of them do have another woman somewhere..It would certainly explain his lack of interest in sex.
I never thought I would say this, but after much soul searching, I am going to break up with him. I can't live this way any longer. When a microscope and mice become more important than someone who has given up everything..its time to go. I stood by him for 7 years, and will walk away with a shattered heart, but I deserve to be first in a man's life.
Thank you again for everyone's thoughts and help. All of your advice was wonderful. Sadly, my guy won't change..I know that now.
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A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (6 February 2009):
P.S. - I'm 47. Another thought - maybe he suffers cycles of depression, which would also affect his sex drive, quite a bit so. Again, a mental health professional could help diagnose this, if this is the case. Some people are depressed and don't even realize it. Just b/c he's a doctor doesn't mean he will recognize something like that, even in himself. Good luck - I hope you are able to find some resolution.
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female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (6 February 2009):
Do you think he'd agree to couples counseling? Or at the very least individual counseling? Even though he's always been like this, perhaps there is an underlying psychological reason that's never been addressed or resolved which may point to his low sex drive. Maybe something happened years ago which has long since been buried, as a means of survival. Not saying this is the case, just a thought on possibilities.
I know he's a doctor, but even doctors need doctors at times. Even counselors need counseling at times, too. No one is immune. Mental health is not his specialty, anyway. So maybe someone in the mental health field can help.
I think reading the book suggested previous is also a good idea for you to do. If nothing else, it may help you cope better and give you some understanding, and may give you some ideas that could help the situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOnce again, thanks to everyone who took the time and effort to post for me. I'm afraid I'm in a no-win situation. My fiance is Japanese, and feels that he has to work harder than anyone else to PROVE that he should be allowed to be over here. His status is through his visa, and he's terrified of being fired and sent back home, so he will never slow down or work less hours. Recently he has started working on Saturdays and Sundays as well..SIGH..
I know there are people with much more serious problems than mine, so that's why I even hesitated to post on here, but if you have been/or are in my situation, you can certainly understand how much it hurts to never be shown love or attention. Hugs and kisses are nice, but most people do want to have the total intimacy from sex..and for me, I can see that its just never going to be a big part of our relationship. In the last six months, we've had sex 4 times..and I truly believe those were more like "pity" performances.
I wish I could just be brave and leave him, but I love him so deeply, and he's an incredible person in every other way...but I will NEVER be first in his life. Maybe not even second? Whoever thinks being married to a doctor is glamourous has never experienced it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): I am in the same situation - partner is 42 and just isn't that interested. Sex I don't think even makes it onto his priority list. It is VERY painful to live with.So was he tired and working stupidly long hours back in his 20s as well? If so him having a low libido in his 20s is hardly any reasonable sort of excuse for not having one now. Maybe he should get his priorities straight and work less. You are his partner and he should care enough to get himself more rested and interested... but I am like you with a painful chip on my shoulder so that is the only direction I see.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice, FA. I truly appreciate it. And no, ED is not a problem. Its so sad that unfortunately as his sex drive is decreasing, mine is increasing. A little joke nature plays on the sexs, huh? Believe me, I'm a college educated woman, I've read up on everything I can, and I do understand him being extremely tired, but from what I understand, he was this way even in his mid 20's, and from the little I can gather..its why his wife left him..they just never had sex, and I guess she couldn't handle it. Happy24birthday...thank you for your honesty...I think you are the one who most understand how I feel. I just never in a million years thought I would be in this situation. Its not like I want sex every day (would be nice though!)..but it doesn't even happen once a week! Once a month...but thank you for letting me know I'm not all alone..it sometimes feels that way.
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reader, happy24birthday + ♥, writes (5 February 2009):
 I'm 41 and my husband is 46. About 2 years ago he just suddenly lost interest in sex. There were no major changes, nothing, just bam. It's been really hard for me because my sex drive is increasing. He also used to chase me around the house and grope me constantly. He uses various excuses like our son getting older (he's 12 now) and he doesn't feel attractive, but the fact seems to be that his sex drive just sprouted legs and ran off. It has been difficult for me, but after this length of time I've accepted it. You're not alone.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (5 February 2009):
 Sorry, I must have been writing while you were responding. I guess as a cardiologist, your man is well aware of all the ED causes. 80 hour weeks would kill anyones drive. It is good to see that you are willing to accept this restriction. I have seen many men become more attentive to their second wives and I hope, being the kind and considerate man you say he is, that he does this for you.
FA
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (5 February 2009):
I'm 43 as well. My wife and I both have jobs with conflicting schedules. We also have teen aged children. As you can imagine finding opportunities for sex is a problem for us. But that is not your question. Several years ago my wife expressed to me that she had much less desire for sex. Every thing still works but the drive was dropping off. I began to do some research and found many medical reasons, emotional reasons etc. We never did take the problem to a doctor though. What seemed to have turned the corner was a bit I found in a book titled "The Sex Starved Marriage". When I shared it with my wife things got better. It said What one partner is saying is "I know you need this and it will make you happy but, I'm not going to change". We decided that she didn't have to be anxious for it every time. I just remind her that it's about time for me and if she doesn't have a serious objection (too tired, in pain, no time to work it in) we do it, or make a date to do it, and she does enjoy it once we get started. It really did come down to communication. I could feel silly about begging for sex but then I wouldn't get any and the relationship would fall apart from the stress. So I do my part and she does hers and we stay connected.
Having said all that I would not rule out medical help. Mostly if he has any erectile dysfunction he should see a doctor at least to determine the underlying cause. Some of them are quite serious.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the input. He's a sweetheart, and treats me very very well. All the answers were helpful, with the exception of "I'm too easy"..excuse me?? We were in LDR relationship for 6 years, I just moved in six months ago with him, and I hardly think that makes me easy. He's a cardiologist, works 16 hour days 5 days a week, and he tells me that he's pretty sure his marriage to ex ended because of his low sex drive. His ex left him for another doctor. As far as "put up or shut up"...I guess you're just being blunt, and again, I only wanted to know if others have lived this way...that's all. I wouldn't leave him because of lack of sex..I just wondered if others have experienced this kind of life. I know a good kind man when I see him, and this man is a 10 all around, I guess I do just have to accept that sex will never be high on his list of "things to do" because of his work. Its a shame though..its very difficult loving someone and yet never getting to show or share your love. Thanks again everyone.
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female
reader, Auntie Jez  +, writes (5 February 2009):
You have talked to him about this issue - do you believe his answer or do you suspect he is covering something up? He could be telling the truth he is simply tired or has a low sex drive or...he could be suffering from stress in his job or personal problems..is he depressed?....is he on any medication for instance some antidepressants also depress desire. Perhaps he has low testosterone? Some men over 40 get erection problems - perhaps he is embarraseed about 'failing'. Does he have an interest in porn? Is he getting his thrills elsewhere on the net? Talk to him about his past - perhaps he has always had a low sex drive.I know we all expect men to be rampant all of the time but some arent! If his answers seem genuine and he still enjoys kisses,cuddles, treats you with respect and you get on well try investigating the options I have mentioned above and if that does not work just accept that he has a low sex drive.Hope this helps
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2009): When is your wedding day? Is he stressed out about it? You know, many men don't get excited for marriage if you're already 'living married'. I think you're too easy, and men need a little challenge in their life.
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