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Sex feels like a chore.

Tagged as: Dating, Health, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 March 2018) 8 Answers - (Newest, 3 March 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, *eegee123 writes:

Hello,

I met my boyfriend almost 4 years ago, and we have been together for about a year and a half. We used to have a great sex life, really experimental and open to trying new things. I've hit a rut where we don't have sex as much any more and I actually feel reluctant to have sex, it is more of a chore than it is pleasurable. Something I feel I should be doing rather than really wanting to do. I feel like this has something to do with my self confidence and need to please, rather than pleasing myself.

Ive also developed a resentment of my boyfriend. I honestly think he is one of the best people I've ever met but I'm scared to be with him now, as I'm only 22 and I feel like we could be together for the rest of my life. its a frustrating age to meet someone you want to marry because I feel like he is holding me back, through no fault of his own, from things I want to do like travel and get a job in a new place. I am filled with thoughts of breaking up with him but I genuinely know how great we are together and how much we love each other. these thoughts almost dominate my mind though.

I don't know how to address the issues with sex and I don't know whether I should break up with him... you can probably tell I feel extremely anxious about the relationship and its future although he is unaware of this.... any advice would be much appreciated.

thank you

View related questions: confidence, sex life

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2018):

I only wish my wife wanted to do things in our sex life, I feel like I'm in the same exact position you are in, it's me that wants more more more: more variety, more frequency and more freak-ish-ly, hahahaha, but.... we seem to be a mismatch in that area. There are no simple answers to your question but it sounds like you are in 2 very different places. I'd say 'don't let the grass grow under your feet.' If you are not married and you have different goals than the person you are 'with' then move on, better to do it now than ignore it now and be sorry later.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (2 March 2018):

Fatherly Advice agony auntGeegee,

This gets more complicated. Sex can not always be nee and exciting and experimental because there are a limited set of things that can be done. The list is then rightly lowered by removing the things that either of you won't do or are not interested in. So it slips int what is comfortable. Your trouble, or rather one of the troubles you are having, is that he is comfortable but you still want to revisit some of those things that you recently discovered. You are asking him specifically for these experiences, and he is balking, refusing, or just not enthusiastic about doing them.

From your original post, I thought it was him doing the asking and you doing the stalling. So if that is also happening it is because he is not offering the sex that you want.

I'm really having trouble seeing how your troubles are coming from your insecurity can you give more specific examples?

To me this is looking more and more like incompatibility. He is holding you back from travel, Job, sex, and maybe more. This kind of incompatibility ends relationships. Tell me how I am wrong about this.

Some possibilities, just wild ideas that may or may not fit you:

You are not getting the sex you want because you are afraid to or don't know how to ask specifically for it.

You asked for something that he was unwilling to do, and you can't be happy until you get it.

He was open. Now he is not open to trying new things.

Sex is only one position that he likes and that position just isn't doing it for you.

Any of these sound familiar to you?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (2 March 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntAll I can suggest is talk to him. You are living a nightmare in your head. If you want to travel then tell him that, if you want to move tell him that. It is your life and your choice and if you can't break up with him then come up with a plan together. I would well believe that you have lost your libido because of all this stress. Relationships shouldn't be this hard. But you need to communicate how YOU feel to him.

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A female reader, Geegee123 United Kingdom +, writes (2 March 2018):

Geegee123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

we went for a lovely dinner, drank wine and had a really nice evening. I dont think the issue is with our relationship but with my mental state which keeps rejecting the happiness and therein lies the issue with sex and wanting freedom

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A female reader, Geegee123 United Kingdom +, writes (2 March 2018):

Geegee123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I feel like I ask for sex. I want him to do things he doesn't do. its frustrating.

perhaps you are right, but in all other ways we have a lovely relationship that I know I am lucky to have.

Thank you for your answers but I do think the problem lies with me having a lot of self doubt.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (2 March 2018):

Fatherly Advice agony auntOh, sorry, one little question for you. What did you do together for Valentines?

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (2 March 2018):

Fatherly Advice agony auntGeegee,

What you are describing is not a healthy relationship. Your goals are not compatible. Your communication is failing. You have lost interest in his emotional needs. There could be a lot of reasons for this, I really can't pin it down. You actually don't love each other as much now as you did 6 months ago. you are in the process of withdrawing emotionally. You ask repeatedly for our permission to break up with him.

My advice to you is either to take steps to save the relationship, or to break up. Either one is possible right now. in a few more months you reluctance and resentment will ensure a breakup. As Aidan has said open and honest (maybe even hurtful) communication will be necessary. I also suggest that you read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" Preferably together but it is ok if you read it alone. It will help you understand how you have gotten to this place. Also it will give you ways to get that loving feeling back.

Your boyfriend likely knows or suspects how you feel. He is also probably trying to figure out what is going wrong. Men almost always know when their partner thinks sex is a chore.

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom + , writes (2 March 2018):

I suspect the stress and anxiety you are suffering because of your uncertainties about the relationship are a good part of the problem when it comes to your sex life. Are you really focussing on how to improve it and trying to think through what you might need to do differently to keep the passion alive whilst ideas of breaking up are so predominant in your thoughts?

I think the first thing you need to do is try to make a decision on the future of the relationship. Breaking up when you haven’t fallen out of love or where a relationship is largely good is difficult, but people can simply outgrow each other and, whilst it isn’t inevitable, it does happen where people meet and become serious very young. What you need to do is first work out what your non-negotiables are. If you really won’t be happy unless you travel, for example, it might be a non-negotiable and something you would resent having to compromise over. Once you’ve done that you need to speak to him to tell him what you’re thinking and have an honest discussion. This will give you a clearer idea whether you both remain compatible and if this is a relationship to fight for or let go of. Until you can resolve that, I don’t think you’ll be engaged with making the sex better – it’s only ever half about technique and physical actions, and half about emotions and really wanting to please and satisfy each other. The key thing is, don’t live with protracted uncertainty. Get things clear in your head, let him in on those thoughts and see where that takes you.

I wish you all the very best.

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