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Seeing my wife with another man (3some) was hard enough, imagining her with another man solo is killing me!

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 December 2008) 5 Answers - (Newest, 10 December 2008)
A male United States age 36-40, *hampton76 writes:

Ok my wife and I have been married for 13 years, we have had lots of trouble in the past, for the past two years she has hinted about wanting to sleep with another man. Now I have had my fair shares of adultry in our marriage but in all honesty I know this sounds stupid but she was never willing to satisfy me sexually. Im not a freak I just want it in more then one position and more then once every week to two weeks, I don't think thats too much to ask. So I found another man invited him over we got in the hot tub and I started a 3 way, she acted like she didn't enjoy it but heck we had sex 3 nights in a row and it lasted for a couple hours each time, so then it ended for a while and now its started back up, but now she wants to venture out on her own.

Now the 3 way was supposed to improve our sex life, however she hasn't stepped it up one bit, so now she is asking me to have an open marriage. but it gets better - she wants me to go first. she wants me to go find a girl and have sex with her, and then she will go find a man.

I told her I didn't have any desires to sleep with another woman but she says she won't do it unless I do it. I told her I didn't want her to do it period, I also told her that I didn't agree with her needing to sleep with another man solo especially if she wasn't willing to satisfy my sexual needs. Now, I think it would be a lot different if her and I had this great sex life and I wasn't able to keep up, but for her to say she hates sex and then have it all the time when we have three ways, and then ask for solo opportunities... I think I should just ask her to leave.

Someone please help me. I desperately love my wife and seeing her with another man is hard enough imagining her with another man solo is killing me. I know that she is killing me inside and I am pondering about it 24/7 which is killing our relationship even more. We have 3 kids and I just don't want to lose my family but I can't continue dying inside. Please help

View related questions: period, sex life

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008):

Dear Poster

You have received some good advice, but I would like to add a few suggestions.

You and your wife need to have a calm talk about the following:

Your love and feelings for each other;

Your sexual relationships with other individuals;

The future of your relationship and marriage;

The assistance of a professional counselor.

THEN

If you still love each other and both want to save the marriage; I suggest you should discontinue your sexual relationships with others ( immediately); to let it go as something of the past;

You both need to learn to respect each other's feelings and bodies and your marriage vows.

If you are both committed to save the marriage, I suggest you both start with counseling(individually and as a couple);

You need to start afresh,put the past behind; start dating again, start getting to know each other again;

Learn to really COMMUNICATE; get to know each other on a deeper level.

Organize a date and time to RENEW YOUR MARRIAGE VOWS and start your marriage with a new clean record from that day.

All the above, might sound difficult BUT if you are both willing to put in EFFORT and make your marriage work, it can BE DONE.

Turn over a new page. Leave the past behind and work towards a better future.

Best wishes, hope this can be of assistance to you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008):

Sorry babes, I was a little harsh on you. I understand your feeling pretty badly, but the things you let occur could have been stopped before they got so far. You shouldn't have cheated, and you shouldn't have agreed to the threesome. It's like the genie's been let out of the bottle, and it's gonna be hard to put it back in. Counselling is my recommendation, unfortunately who knows if your wife will agree. Talk to her and tell her how you feel. Tell her you love her and you just want her and you to be faithful again.... sorry for my earlier rant, I just feel so angry at both of you for damaging your marriage like this.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008):

This story is crazy, what type of marriage do you two have. I really think you need to go to marriage counselling, I have a big feeling that many resentments have built up over the years and that's why your wife is demanding these things of you.

You've cheated on her in the past, dose she know about these affairs. You invited another man into your bedroom to have sex with your wife. Well as far as she's concerned, you marriage vows have been thrown away, and where sex is concerned it's a case of anything goes.

I have no idea how you are gonna mend this disaster that you have allowed to develop. You choose the first guy, so now it's a case if she's gonna have sex with men, she'd rather choose to do it on her terms.

Don't know why your getting all funny about it now. You can't stand the thought of her having sex with someone else, well why not ask her to bring you along, or tape it and watch it together instead. Don't know why your getting funny about having sex with another woman, you've done it before, how come you can't do it again?

Tell your wife you don't want to experiment anymore, tell her that you want to go back to the traditional wedding contract, where you will only have sex with each other, and nobody else can join in. Somehow, I doubt she'll go for it. As I said before, I think this may be a form of revenge. Find yourself a good marriage guidance counsellor, and ask your wife to come with you, so you can both get some help on how to make new rules for your marriage that you both feel comfortable with.

Why should she leave. Your the one whose got the problem. I didn't notice you offering to leave when you was screwing other women, or asking other men to join you in bed.

Your marriage needs help, get the professionals in.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008):

This is so wrong. Sex with others' will never improve your sexlife with your spouse! She's bored. And honestly, I think it's her way of going shopping for a new mate with your permission. Hence...You go first...so she can say later "well, you did it first." As she's walking out the door to meet her new man.

I don't know quite what to say to make you feel better, You did mention that there was quite a bit of adultry throughout the marriage, I'm assuming, committed by both you and your wife? With that kind of behavior, a marriage can only survive so long...maybe it's time to call it quits! And as for the three innocent children...they are the real victims!

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A male reader, Jon1230 United Kingdom +, writes (9 December 2008):

Jon1230 agony auntYou need to be strong and tell your wife that whats happened in the past is the past!! what matters is now and the future and i think you need to be honest with her and explain that you only need her in your life and that it hurts you deeply to even hear her talking about such things.You must man up and speak from the heart.

Let me know how it goes

J

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