A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I love my boyfriend very much and we are very happy together planning a future - but I can't get it out of my head that he has been married before. I feel like he has done every 'first' with someone else and nothing is new or special to him with me. Its making me more miserable the more I love him and even resentful he didnt 'wait' for me. Whats worse is he doesn't have a bad word to say about his ex wife. Any advice on how to get over these feelings?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): Yes, his ex-wife was with him first, but that doesn't make you second best. He's not with her anymore because she wasn't good or "first best" for him. If he's marrying you now, he thinks you're the best!
QueenKatie's advice to you (see below) is stellar.
Best of luck to you! I personally know how hard "retroactive jealousy" can be, but it's not impossible to overcome. If you're feeling anxiety about it, take a few deep breaths and just think things through. I've found writing in a journal to process thoughts is helpful.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): No, you are not second best.
When you started going out with you boyfriend, you had a 'first date' did it not feel special because you have both had first dates before? No of course it didn't. When you first made love, was that not special, because you had done it before? No of course not and the list could go on, with the same answer.
The bottom line is she is his ex wife and you will be his wife. It will be special because it is yours. Don't let your hang up about this spoil your future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): Oh dear. These thoughts about the past must be very difficult for you to deal with. It sounds as though you're suffering from something called 'retroactive jealousy' - when you can't get ideas about your partner having been with someone else out of your head. It can be a very obsessive and painful thing to feel, so I'm not surprised that you're struggling.
I suspect that part of this may be about your age. Without wanting to sound like an old fogey, you're at a bit of a turning point. Whereas when you are a teenager and at college everything is shiny and new, and you can be reasonably certain of experiencing things with a partner for the first time together, after the age of 25 or so there are fewer and fewer people who will be beginning new relationships for the first time,and experiences tend to diverge more. Most girls or guys above that age will come with a past, during which they will have slept with, and possibly also loved, others. This can be a difficult thing to get used to, and can lead to all kinds of feelings of insecurity. However, it's important to realize that those feelings are irrational and to fight against them. Just because a guy has a past with other women doesn't mean that he has baggage with them. More importantly, if you don't get over this hangup, you could end up poisoning your relationship with paranoid jealousy.
First of all, you need to remember that the ex-wife is an EX. She's in the past. Whatever they had really didn't work. He's with you now, and he's with you for a very good reason. You're his present, and he loves you enough to plan a longterm future with you. That speaks volumes about his care for you. Remember that people make mistakes in love, just as they do with other things in life. Just because you're not the first girl he fell for doesn't mean you're not 'the one' - the best, the girl who is really and truly meant to be with him.
Second of all, I think you should sit him down and talk to him about these feelings in a very calm and collected way. Let him know that you recognize that they are fundamentally irrational, and that you are trying to fight against them. Tell him that you may need a bit of extra help and support from him during this time, in the shape of reassurance of his entire affection and love for you. Let him tell you how much he cares about you - you'll feel loads better!
Be open and ask any questions about his ex-wife that you want to ask: don't brood over 'what ifs' and torture yourself with suppositions. Just because he doesn't lay into her with vitriol doesn't mean that he thinks she's the perfect woman. My boyfriend also speaks nicely about his ex (they are still friends), but that's more because he's a classy guy than anything else. When I asked him about the relationship because I was feeling insecure, I found out that he was very far from thinking that she was 'right' for him in a relationship. Perhaps your guy is similar?
Most important of all, don't be drawn into making mental comparisons or feeling that you have to compete with her shadow. Do everything you can to avoid feeling that you are being 'measured' against someone else, and every time you feel those insecure thoughts starting up, STOP! Take a breath, and tell yourself that you're not going to feel insecure over something that ended a long time ago, that you are worthy of your boyfriend's love and attention, and that you have no reason to feel intimidated by anyone or second best to anyone. If you do this each time those thoughts recur, they will become less powerful. Above all, try to enjoy what you do have right now and in the moment - it sounds like you have the foundations of a great relationship. Don't let unwarranted jealousy spoil it! Good luck.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (21 July 2010):
 If you bought a new car, and sold your old one, you get excited over your new car??? Why? It's still a car? You are not doing anything different. Still just driving... a new car, right?
But if the old car was lets say a Smart car (ex wife), and your BF is now driving a Ferrari, which do you think your man would enjoy driving??
So go drive your man crazy, and show him no one has an engine like yours. Because it's never what you had before, it's what you have now that matters.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): If this is going to be such an issue in your life, you need to look for a man who has never been married before. I think is is unfair to be resentful because he didnt 'wait' for you...
So, he doesnt have a bad word about the ex, maybe they are both better people now than when they were married and are mature enough to treat each other properly.
You say you love this man, I dont doubt that, but I do doubt your statement about being 'very happy together' You have issues which are spoiling your relationship.
So, either dump this man and find one that has no baggage or else come to terms that he was married before.
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