A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been in a LDR for 2 years now. We see each other every month or so. When I first dated him, I knew that our lifestyles and careers were quite different. I work for a well known tech' company as an operations manager. I make six figures. I live by myself, own my house and car. He works part time at a restaurant as a delivery person and makes $10 an hour, tips included. He lives at home with his parents and other family members. At age 30+, his mom still does laundry for him. He does not contribute financially to household expenses.I've never met someone in this similar situation, but felt it doesn't matter, all that matters should be how we feel about each other. It really didn't matter during the first year of our relationship. We were happy. Who cares if I spent more, he spent less. Who cares if he's working part time or even working at all. Who cares if he sleeps until 3pm in the afternoon.Then, somehow, starting somewhere within our second year together, all these things that never mattered started to matter. When talking about our future, he feels its fine for me to move into his house, his room with him, live off his family and have his parents babysit our future children while we 'save up'. I said heck no. It started to bother me how he stopped working, and slept until 3-4pm every day. It bothered me that he does nothing all day for over half a year and he's OK with it. He blames not being able to sleep well because his brother's son is crying, he blames not being able to sleep well due to him tossing and turning all night, he blames the mice, he blames his headaches, he blames the weather.. etc etc. Yet in the evenings he's wide awake and jumps at the chance to go eating and drinking with his restaurant buddies who get off work at midnight.Somehow, I'm beginning to lose respect for him. Somehow, I'm beginning to realize all those things I thought LOVE can over come, really can't. I've tried to work with him and encourage him, but it's been almost a year and we're getting nowhere.Please advise....
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 January 2016):
 In the beginning you ignored these issues, you looked at him as a person and not where he lived or how much he earned, good for you. I like that people don't judge a book by there cover.
But now this long in to the relationship off course you care. He has no motivation to look after himself, no focus for the future. It sounds like his parents baby him, and spoil him and therefore why would he want to move out when he doesn't have to worry about paying bills or doing housework.
You have created your life, you are settled now and it is only natural you would want to be with someone who can look after himself but also look after you as well and vice versa. You need to be honest with him, he needs to hear the truth. Good luck sweetie.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 January 2016):
 Who cares if he does not work ( by choice ) ?! Who cares if he sleeps all day ?!....
EVERYBODY ! Everybody would care, if they have even an ounce of interest in their own future and happiness ! Who could possibly not care if they only stopped and thought for 5 minutes ?....
I want to be clear that I am not saying one has to marry for money or for status.
But it is important to marry someone you can respect, and that has values and life plans compatible with yours, even if at a lower level of income.
And most of all, I guess that anybody would want to marry a grown up man, who can pull his part of weight and take his part of responsibilities as an adult, not a needy child forever dependent from his too indulgent parents. He would not be a husband, he would be a kid that you co-parent. Why don't you just adopt a child , then, if you want to be Mommy ?
So you should have babies, plural, with him, and relying on his parents taking full care of them from any point of view ?- Nice plan. And what if the parents die, get sick or incapacitated, lose their income ? Or just decide that they had enough of being taken advantage off, and kick him, you and babies out to fend for yourselves ?...
I can't believe that this seriously his life plan for your future family.... and that you had the patience to even listening at him.
Time to get the hell out of Dodge City. Real fast.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 January 2016):
 Dear Lady,
I get what you mean when you say WHO cares?! UP to a point it shouldn't matter... IF HE WAS in his teens! And then you mention quite a few things (that actually DOES annoy you, so YOU DO CARE!).
He is 30! and can't even be bothered to CONSIDER moving out and having his own place.
He is 30! and he thinks it's OK to live of his parents still, to no contribute.
He is 30! and the BEST he has to offer you in the nearest future... is for you to SHACK up with him in his bedroom at his parents... where he ACTUALLY expect you to live and have kids with him - so hi parents can look after them while YOU (not him because he doesn't make any money to "save up") save up for a house.
I get that he might be a nice person, but can you HONESTLY imagine living with him, his parents, his brothers and sisters and THEIR kids too? And then bring kids into that?
He is going to be "busy" sleeping till 3 pm - MIL is going to watch your kids and TEACH your kids to be JUST like Daddy... while you work your bum off to bring home a good salary.... And then of course h WILL continue to hang out with his WORKING buddies in the evening and come home late.. and guess who is paying for that too? YOU
What IF you get sick? And can't work? Or your work place closes down?
Love can overcome a lot, but it CAN NOT change who HE is, and who YOU are.
Let me guess YOU are the one who has been paying to fly/drive to see him EVERY month? Do me a favor.. and ADD up how much you have spend in those 2 years on travelling to see him. Sure it doesn't matter who pays for what - but for it to ALWAYS be one person? A tad unfair. At least in my book, but I guess it sets the financial "tone" for your future.
While you two might have been a good match chemistry wise, maybe even sexually, you two have totally different outlooks on life and the future.
I think your rose-tinted glasses have fallen from your face and you now see him for what he is. Lazy, unmotivated, freeloader, unstructured, no ambitions, no real future (at least the kind YOU would like).
It might be a cultural thing as well, I know many people who live with family and where the sons are NOT really encouraged to be ambitious or even have so "go-get" attitude.
You relationship is totally uneven. And THAT, dear OP will never change.
Is this the guy who wanted you to buy him a "used" car with $20K ?
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