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I am bothered by his searches for "Incest" Porn. What should I do?

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Question - (12 September 2007) 14 Answers - (Newest, 24 April 2009)
A female Canada age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi everybody.

I love my boyfriend to death but theres something that I found out last night and I don't know what to do.

My boyfriend looks at porn all the time on the computer, Which is fine because what guy doesn't look at porn?

But he never deletes the sites from the search history so everytime I go on the computer, theres porn sites in the search history. And yes he knows how to erase it, He's a computer wizz. I don't know if he wants to get caught or whats going on but Onto my point now =P .. Last night I went on the computer and of course there was Porn links in the search history, So for the first time I clicked on a random one just to see what kind of porn hes been looking at. And in the search bar on the website he had typed in "Incest" and another one was "Sisters" .....UHHHHHHHHHHHHH GROSS!!!!!! I don't know if he's just into the whole "girl on girl" thing and he's just curious about "sister on sister". I know alot of guys who looove girl on girl, sister on sister, whatever and thats pretty normal because guys are pigs. but the fact that he had searched "Incest" is really bothering me. There was no searches for "mom with son" or "father and daughter" or anything it was just "Incest" and "sister on sister". I'm SOOOO confused!! and I'm too scared to confront him. OH and he was sexually abused by his Step dad when he was really young.

Any feed back would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009):

you dont have anything to worry about. its just the thought of something that you would never personally do yourself. its about the rebellion that turns people on. i would never personally engage in incest as 99 percent of the world wouldnt but its just the thought of it. the thrill. dont worry

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008):

I am not a porn addict. I look at porn almost everyday because i enjoy it. I do not objectify a womens body, it is just my natural urge to feel attracted to women having sex. I personally do not engage in incest porn, but i have become curious by some stranger sex acts, all of which i have not pursued. As long as he does not act on an interest in incest porn i believe it is perfectly healthy to look at any porn he wants. The fact that you are comfortable with his interest in porn shows that you trust him and understand why he uses it, if you are uncomfortable try talking to him but you should not be particularly bothered by his habit.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008):

Unfortunately, I would steer clear of any religious means.

There is not a scrap of evidence that religions give anything but false hope.

Furthermore, they encourage the dulling down of cultural progression.

The only way a man gets free of addiction is with his own will. Nothing more. It must come down to the addict seeking to help themselves, only then can anything be done.

Besides, make life better without drugs and you won't get addicts who need the artificial high to feel what I feel when I look at Jessica Alba.

Flynn 24

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008):

Don't want to freak anyone out with this answer.

But here goes....

IF anyone wants to get delivered from porn, get into a spirit filled church(not a dead religious church), where they teach you how to get your soul renewed with the Word of God. THAT is the only

way anyone gets free from addictions.

And it Works.

How, you might ask?

Your spirit man gets built up and your mind gets renewed by the Word of God(annointed teachings such as those by JD Jakes ,is a example of this kind of annointed teaching).

Again, this works when nothing else will.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2007):

Over time, its natural that either you will both become more seperate or your relationship will strengthen in the form of your forgiveness and understanding for his incestuous thoughts, amongst other things.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007):

I look at porn a lot myself and it has ruined the few relationships I've had with women. Counseling is really the only thing that can help someone with that problem and I know this from experience. I was sexually abused as a child and sometimes I look at incest porn. At therapy, I learned that I am in a lot of pain because of my abuse and the porn temporarily removes the stress. It is possible to remove the stress, though, through therapy and things like that; it's just very hard and painful.

Advice: Talk to him about the porn and eventually ask him about his child abuse experience. Get into a deep conversation about these things but only ask questions; questions like "how did that make you feel?" or "is this what you want?." Talking about the sexual abuse could really help him. Try to eventually get him to go to therapy or else the problem will just continue to get worse; I know this from experience. Porn addiction is as bad as any other addiction.

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A male reader, just a guy United Kingdom +, writes (10 November 2007):

just a guy agony aunthas he got a sister if not then the is nuthin 2 b afaid of if soo then he mit lyk his sis and then it is ur call on wa 2 do or he just mit lyk tha girl on girl twin sleepin woth each uther

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007):

I would personally say the guy is getting dangerously close to addiction. However, there is no answer. I myself am a porn addict. It's a practice that I utterly hate, and am totally ashamed everyday. There is no real help that re-alines the innocence back into ones head - it's not about choice - porn addicts don't go cold turkey...we just get violent, frustrated, and emmensely angry. We need the 'fix' to calm the beast inside. The endorphins are the real gold in the equation - it's the human drug that quenchs the sex drive and gives peace for a few hours. Castration won't help either. Testosteron levels are high and fast, and it will end up like a pressure value. Anything that surpresses the exileration of being semi turned on, or the thought of a sexual act results in an emotional drain leading quickly to waves of depression. Addiction can carry you into areas of filth that break every measure of realisation and regard to your value system ... that is until after an event. The self hate sets in a feelings of suicide. All this happens in secret. It's a Jackal and Hyde life. The good self even denys the real depths of depravity that the bad self gets involved with. Bottom line is, we want to be found out, but sympathised with and helped constructively and possitively. Your fella may not really realise it, but purely by the fact that he does not delete the sites tells me that he is trying to find a way out - brave man, as there are some very very very bitter and judgemental women out there. If ever a woman has that bitter and judgemental point of view and yet walks the street in a mini skirt and low top, she has the real sick and disturbed mind!!! Women are not the issue in this porn problem - its how a man fails to recognise the lack of control of his sex drive which is the issue. And without somesort of appropriate measure from an earlyish age then the risk of getting caught up in porn is very high.

Why am I writing all this? .... Because porn is controlling my life and it is destroying me. If I had the same zeal and lust triggers for making money instead, I'd be a multi millionare. This is a problem that consumes a whole life. And all we get is judgement or pathetic pity. All I want to do now is drip the blood from my veins and rid my body of this hateful testosteron.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007):

Porn equals trash. The fact that he looks at porn should send red flags. As you can see his porn addiction has led to another filthy level of porn~ incest which is absolutely disgusting!! Confront him. Because he was abused as a child doesnt mean he has to still hold on to that pain or search for some sort of comfort that such things happen in family. What happened to him was wrong. He doesnt have to dwell in trying to convince himself that sex among family members is a normal thing. Who's computer is it anyway? If it is yours and he uses it I'd be putting all kinds of parental blockers on that thing. OR go to the extreme and discontinue internet service. This is serious. It could lead to any of your children being sexually abused because he fills his mind with that crap. He needs help and the desire to break from that porn attraction.

*FYI not every man looks at porn. There are guys who detest it and understand the sanctity of the female body as something for her husband NOT for the world to see what she has. That's like giving permission to a kid to play with a gun because kids like the idea of guns. Don't objectify a women or a man's need for sex. Just because porn is available doesn't mean it is alright for it to be viewed.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007):

Not every man does look at this for hours on the internet, and I must admit that I find it strange that you are so comfortable with it. Sharing your passions and longings with each other is one thing, turning a blind eye to looking at pornography 'all the time' is another. You need to be very careful because he sounds like he is getting more and more into pornography and looking for ever extreme websites from which to get turned on. Porn can be quite a serious addiction, and it can be very difficult for a man who looks at extreme porn to reverse this and get turned on by simpler things. Having said that, you should really find out before pre-judging his intentions, and speak to him about why he has gone on this website and whether he meant to. Although I personally wouldn't dream of going out with someone who looked at porn all the time, for too many reasons to mention, but if you are happy with this, then that is fine and between you both as long as they are legitimate websites. Best of luck XX

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007):

He is sick & no you shouldn't "not judge him". I sure as hell would so much so that I'd be the f*ck gone. geez, you're allowing him to look at this stuff online everyday..that is too much. My fiancee knows I don't allow it unless were both doing it together which is very rare. You've neglected to set boundaries so what do you expect? People only go so far as you allow them to. If he was abused by his step father though, he needs some counseling b/c that is probably why he looked into this.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007):

I think that looking at porn all the time on the computer is too much. Sometimes is probably what we have to accept but personally I would not rather even know about it. Why does it have to even feature on my radar that my guy would be unfaithful and hanker after someone elses vagina/s?

I know I am idealistic and I can ignore a certain amount without making an issues of it. I do not understand why they have to have their cake and eat it though, not only doing it but making us agree that they just have to because they have no control, boys will be boys etc.

The pitch is that they can't help themselves, pathetic. Anyway, I await the day that we females get similarly conditioned into looking at nice big stiff cocks too, before going to bed with their rather smaller ones. Preferably they should know about our online activities as well, why not leave up the results of our searches? We won't bother trying to hide it, just so they can feel a slight insecurity. Just a small touch of how grateful they should feel that we will love them and accept their faults despite secretly fantasising about bodies that are much out of their league.

I believe with certaintly is coming and the market for penis enlargements will grow hugely. I can't believe we would have thought of having surgery for enormous tits all on our own - unless made insecure by porn - during the watching of which our men make it obvious that this is what they prefer.....

Back to what I said before, I don't think the apparent differences betwen our viewing habits are just biological, it is largely conditioning. Men my Dad's age for example probably got the odd thrill from somewhere, but I know my Dad never bought porn. There is huge hype saying that we should all be happier because we have more choice about what we do, eat, drink, watch in the world. Why is it that so many people are obese? Because even though we are supposed to have this choice, the big companies are ramming fast food down our necks and people get brainwashed into stuffing themselves on it. Same with what used to be called love. It has changed from something tender, respectful and beautiful. Now it resembles a fast food outlet where you can have any old toxic thrill as quick as you like, it is turning people into fat, gorged, yet still disatisfied pigs.

Sounds like in his quest for thrills your boyfriend has become bored and is looking at the more extreme edge of what he can use to get a thrill. It probably means nothing more than it usually does. If he starts going to strip joints and calling for phone sex or hookers, he is getting even more bored. I am sure this will not happen, as you can see I get just a bit hot under the collar at this increasing disrespect for women and the fact that we take it. Keep a general eye on what he is doing in case it does become, or has become and real addiction, the subject matter at the moment is probably not relevant.

How do you think he would feel if it were you, not him doing these things?

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A male reader, Tommy7 United States +, writes (12 September 2007):

Ask him why he searches out that topic. Many guys look for things they're curious about. It most likely means nothing. Of course there is a small possibility he has been involved or knows someone who has. You need to talk if you're to find out if he has some desire to participate.

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A male reader, DJ8433 United States +, writes (12 September 2007):

DJ8433 agony auntHe may have just found a really nasty site that turns him on or he fantasizes about screwing his sister or brother or step dad. If you're put off by it, ask him about it. "DON"T JUDGE HIM" He's not acted out, he's just fantasizing. He isn't right though about his sexuality. Decide if you want to deal with that, because he could act out eventually if he doesn't recognize it as a problem. To him it may be normal sexuality since he was abused. What's normal to him may not be normal to you.

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