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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My ex is in town and i'm tempted to lose my virginity to him ... i over analysed the importance of it before and even now have slight fear of not being a virgin forever but at the same time have fear of being a virgin forever. I trust my ex and i know it will only be a one time thing because we don't want to be together but can i actually go through with it? I dunno, i am tempted. I don't want to be an old freakish virgin but also, i am scared of not being a virgin (not the physical stuff but the status stuff)anymore. I was raised in a christain tradition of no sex until your married but guess what, i don't believe in marriage thus am i doomed to a celibate life? But then again, i had the fear of god ingrained in me that sex outside marriage is wrong and i'll go to hell if i differ from that.I know these are just scare tactics to stop you getting friendly with folk but they work on me sometimes, i think thats why i've not previously gone all the way because religion has had control over me in a sense. Okay, not full control - i've done by defination "stuff" but will i ever be ready spiritually to lose my virginity? Plus, i don't get many chances with dating right now and i'm scared of being left on the shelf - never living nor exeriencing anything, too scared to be anything other than an unrealistic untoucheable pocilin doll. I want to start taking chances and my ex i'm comfortable with - okay he's not the one i want to spend my life with however he could be the one to break me out of my virginity hell - i'm in the inbetween, torn and not completely sure what i want to do - plus, my virginity is a bit of a barrior for me with guys, i hold them all at arms lengh to protect my secret which means i rarely let anyone close. The ex was a one off - he was special but are lives divided us and even now we couldn't be together together even if we wanted it that way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): I think what confused me and tempted me so much was the fact that this sexual opportunity is on a limited time scale - only have a few weeks before he is gone - i worried that if i didn't jump for it then would i ever have opportunity again. They say fools rush in where angels fear to tread and although i am no angel, i'm not a fool either ... I've made my decision and however tempted i am to have sex for the sake of having sex, i am not gonna sleep with my ex. Yes, i'm comfortable-ish with him but i always saw myself in relationship/strong attachment with a guy before taking it to the next level of intimacy. I think doing things the other way will just end up causing me more pain and guilt and shame. Losing my virginity in this way would be a quick patch up fix to my problems/barriors but not something which would help me long term.
I over analysed my virginity firstly for religious reason and then secondly because i didn't want a baby before i had had a chance to live and before i was finanically able to support myself/others. I think they were valid reasons to hold off losing it and still are ... if i'm risking hell for sex then it had better be with someone i am deeply care about and am deeply invested in thus we can ride the joyous flames together :) Yes i would love a baby but to do it alone ... well, i'd rather have a dog :) Not to mention the STI's and STD's i've been free from - the ex i don't even have time to get him tested, who knows what the heck he could have because i know he has had a colourful sexual history. At least with a future partner i could get him checked out before i check him out lol I'm not saying i'm waiting for the guy i want to spend my life with but i am lookinf for someone i care and trust and have a deep attachment too, and lastly someone i wouldn't mind being the father of any unplanned kids.
I don't believe in marriage because for me its just a wedding and a piece of paper claiming a commitment that you have no idea whether you'll be able to keep. Where as a relationship where you are choosing to be with each other each day sounds healthier to me than promising a forever you can't really give. I've witnessed many divorces and many love illusions shattered to pieces - therefore for me there is more to a marriage than a wedding, its the imperfect relationship and the day to day stuff that counts. A wedding doesn't promise forever - i just couldn't make that commitment when i don't know what will happen. Virginity is a symbol that is something that has been prasied and cherished and protected most of my life - yeah, i can throw off marriage because i don't see it as a fixed thing but if i lose my virgin then what am i? Being a virgin has become a big part of my life for so long and if i'm not a virgin then there is a difficulty in defining me. I perhaps got lost in the virginity shadow and scared that there is nothing much left of worth in me besides my virginity. I know there is more to me but i think my self esteem sometimes thinks otherwise.
No one can judge me but me ... i'll personally be happier to wait and fix myself before trying to do anything because i would rather not regret sleeping with this ex than regret not sleeping with him.
I'm gonna make it my mission to break down some of my barriors and try to form closer relationships with people, i think the key is putting myself out there more. Also, i think i need to build up more confidence in me so i'm gonna join a few classes - okay, not a perfect solution but its a start.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): Why aren't the other answers pointing out the obvious here?
When women have sex it will psychologically help bond them to their partner. This idea is not some kind of gender bias of mine, it's just the natural biology. Look up the chemical oxytocin if you don't believe it. If you sleep with your ex it will make the process of leaving him & staying away MUCH MORE DIFFICULT.
Maybe you did overanalyze virginity in the past, but that doesn't mean it didn't deserve a serious analysis at all. I really don't think you should save this experience until your age, only to toss it out to an ex that you are already moving away from. If you want to have sex then have sex, but at least wait until you are in the prime of a relationship instead of doing it when the relationship is already at an end.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): At 26, I think I would go for it with him. Since you trust him. This might be a whole new sexual awakening for you and start a whole new chapter in your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): We are all scared of ending up alone in life. I can't tell you if you will ever find someone who will make you want to marry after all. But I do wonder how you lost your belief in marriage, but still cling to the belief of being a virgin.That said, having sex one time will in the aftermath be worth very little. Your sexual experience will be about the same, plus the first times for a woman is rarely pleasurable. In other words: unless you have a loving boyfriend who will be with your for a longer period of time, and have sex regularly, you wont get to experience much. Then again I lost my virginity with a guy I didnt care much about and we had crappy sex for a few times, but I just wanted to get rid of my virginity and get it over with. So who am I to preach. Last words: do what you want. Its your body and you do whatever you please with it. No one can judge you.
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