A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm doing two semesters at another uni and moved in in January, so I'll be here till September. It's a mixed flat and everyone kinda gets on well, I don't dislike anyone including him. I sometimes hang out with them and sometimes with friends I have who also go to this uni.He can be quite annoying though, I have the room next to his and he always keeps coming out conveniently just when I do, esp. at night or in the morning, this has happened like ten times now. He's one of those people who has a lot of friends but is a bit awkward, most of his friends are from the cosplaying and Quidditch society. Of course its nice to talk about what u do every day but he asks questions in a very interrogating manner which I don't like, and I'm pretty sure I've once overheard him moaning to another flatmate about how I "got in and went straight into my room" when I was back late and nobody was in the kitchen anyway, so it wasn't like I was being antisocial!! The other flatmate was like "OK, so?" Because I have a varied schedule I'm not up at the same time all day but I bump into him a LOT more than anyone else. He's made pointed remarks to me about how "sociable" he is before but he's actually really awkward sometimes and I have a lot of uni work to do so I spend half my evenings studying. None of the other flatmates have a problem with this.He also keeps staring at me e.g. when our flat goes to the halls common room together, he'll be staring from outside the room. Last weekend my dad was in the city for a day so I went to see him, on my way back the flatmate was in the kitchen and I said hi, how are you as I was warming up dinner. I had a chocolate box with me that my dad gave me. The flatmate was like "Fine" and then stared at the chocolate box and was like "Why do you have chocolates with you??" very aggressively. I thought this was weird and ignored the question at first and then said "Been up to much today?". Upon which he started stuttering "but w-why do you have chocolates with you?" and I told him my dad gave me them. He was like "Oh, I didnt know your dad was visiting, that's a nice gesture." I got the impression if a guy had given them he would have flipped out wtf.TBH I would not say I dislike him but he's pretty rude and I don't like how pushy he comes off as. He's also a bit sneaky, I've seen him go through other flatmates' cupboards etc. to steal their ketchup etc. without asking permission, and I am 99% sure he nicked my washing powder but when questioned he started giving wishy washy answers so I gave up.
View related questions:
flatmate, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (16 March 2018):
 I agree with Youcannotbeserious,
I think he is just VERY socially awkward and if this is his first time away from family and living with peers his own age he might think that room-mates should work a little bit like family.
As for the chocolates, I wouldn't even have explained it to him as it REALLY is none of his business who they were from.
And if you have things like washing powder you DO NOT want to share, take it back to your room. Have a lock box for things like that. Going through flatmates cupboards looking for something that he didn't have, doesn't make him sneaky (especially if you SAW it) it just show how little he understands the social norms of "room-mates". If you ever work in a place where people share a fridge and bring lunches you will see this a 1000 times over.
However, if you think he fancies you but you are not interested then just TREAT him like the rest of the room mates. And don't forget you DO NOT owe your room mates (or this guy) to hang out in common areas if you don't feel like it.
Nothing you say in your post about him makes me think he has the hots for you, but he might. If you are the "new girl" and single he might think you could be interested.
Just do your thing and don't worry about it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2018): I don't think you are making too much of this at all. I think you're at a stage in life where you are going through the process of learning how to filter who you meet and to gain more practice at asserting your own boundaries in response to what your filter tells you. Your healthy boundaries are being pushed by this immature guy.
You seem like the kind of person who is basically fine with most people - ie. you don't have any overriding issues and can get along with most.
BUT sometimes pushy and awkward guys (and the push and awkward characteristics definitely often come as a package) gravitate towards women like you because they sense that you are probably a bit more accommodating than most. In other words, you are just quietly going about your business and don't have any real problems or issues with anyone, but guys like this are sensing "here is someone that can make my life make more sense to me, and who will help me to feel better about life and myself and who will nurture me because she is so easy going, all I have to do is find a way to attach myself to her". Something like that. So they push to see, basically, how far they can get. Some people would tell the guy to "F.Off" and would have no problem doing so. Your personality is such that you are too nice to feel easy with that option. However, you need to develop your own way of asserting a firmer boundary with him - I don't think this is much more than slightly 'upping' what you are already doing.
You are really right to question the quality of his relationships. So very many people come across as highly sociable because they are good at collecting people on a 'surface level' - a bit more than acquaintances (mainly due to connection through a hobby or just being in college and, therefore, seeing more of someone than you would as an acquaintance) - but nothing deeper. Often they can't do 'deeper' relationships because there's something missing or messed up inside. This is why they can come across as awkward to people who are NOT superficial - ie. because you instantly sense something is 'off' - and it is also why they can be pushy and even quite bullying and dominant - the logic they follow is something like, if I just keep pushing and bullying and manipulating everyone, then everything will be okay. Ultimately, this doesn't work, because there is a level of intimacy that is just absent from their emotional range. Underneath everything, this guy senses that, and he is looking for a deeper bond with someone like you. The problem is, he won't ever be able to have that bond, until he himself grows up. You are right not to want to become the one that he works out his issues through.
My guess is that, if you do try to be more assertive with this person, he will still grab at anything and everything you say just to try to form an attachment with you. If you try to discuss his issues and the way he's been behaving, he will very quickly try to turn this into your problem and make you doubt yourself and your judgements; in fact, you are already starting to do this by writing into this forum. With that said, because you live in the same shared space, there's no easy way out.
I'm all for asserting one-self and I think you are doing as good a job as you can, in a situation like the one you are in, where it is a matter of potentially seeing this person daily. There's no easy way out of the situation except to leave.
What you are currently doing is trying to avoid him whenever you can, and to avoid anything like a confrontation with him and 'smooth out' his awkward in inappropriate comments and questions.
He is already making you feel like you have to explain yourself to him - and this is a real red flag. You've felt obliged to explain why you have chocolates and obliged to explain (even to yourself, in your own mind) why you do things like go straight to your room. In other words, it is like he is psychologically starting to 'corner' you. People like this exist in all walks of life, and often end up becoming quite domineering. I'd say just bear it whilst you can, assert yourself whilst you can, but do NOT start to think that you are wrong for being sensitive to it and bear in mind the same characteristics from new people in future - they may be people you want to avoid getting into similarly tricky situations with.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (16 March 2018):
 I think you are making way more of this than you need to. Your flatmate sounds like he may be a little socially awkward and trying to make up for it by trying too hard to be the opposite, hence his interrogatory manner and constant assurances of how "sociable" he is.
He can only make you feel awkward if you allow it. Be a little more assertive. Brush off his questions if you don't want to answer them, or answer them with questions. When he asked about the chocolates you could have simply asked him "Why do you need to know?" I have found that, with people like this, it often throws them onto the back foot if you give them an answer they are not expecting, especially if it is the opposite of what they would normally get. If he asks why you don't socialize with him more (or something along those lines), smile sweetly and say "I have to share a flat with you. That doesn't mean I have to socialize with you." and leave it at that. As long as you say it pleasantly and with a smile on your face, it will not cause conflict but will set boundaries for his questioning. (I use this at work when my colleagues ask why I choose not to go out drinking with them at week-ends. I just smile sweetly and shrug and say "I work with you and see you every day. I choose to socialize with my friends who I don't see every day." and leave it at that.)
Regarding his comment about you, it is really not your problem what he chooses to think, neither can you control it. As you say, your other flatmates don't have a problem with you choosing to spend time studying in your bedroom. If this flatmate has a problem with it, that is HIS problem, not yours.
As for the "stealing", I am sure there are more guilty of this than him. This will always happen in a shared space. It's not exactly major crime. It comes with the territory. If you have something you don't want someone else taking, keep it in your bedroom.
...............................
|
