A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi to everyone,I have gotten myself into an awkward situation with a girl I went on a date with last night. To elaborate I met this girl very briefly about 3 weeks ago at a club, she took a photo that I wanted so we exchanged details and she sent it to me.From then on we were chatting a lot back and forth, clearly giving off the impression that we were interested in meeting up. We arranged this meeting for last night and in the interim continued chatting a lot on a daily basis. Now, I wasn't necessarily interested in the girl on our first meeting, in fact it was so brief and dark I didn't really remember what she looked like but she seemed nice from our messages and in the picture she had attached to her profile she looked quite attractive. So I thought we could meet without it necessarily being a date but with the opportunity for it turning out that way if things worked out.Over the few weeks a few alarm bells started ringing. She went on holiday for a week and was sending me updates of how much she was drinking. It was constant, copious and a little worrying. But I tried not to be judgemental and realised she was on holiday so could just be having a good time.She then returned and we agreed to meet on the Sunday. She continued to send me messages about her nights out on the Friday night and her all day rave session on Saturday which went on into the early hours. Sunday comes and I suggested we should postpone because she must be exhausted and probably needed a break. But, even though she had barely slept, she wanted to meet up still so we agreed to go for dinner. We were going to travel 40 minutes each at a mutually convenient place but because she was so tired I agreed to travel close to an hour and a half to go nearer her.I turned up a little early, got a table and waited. So she turns up and I was shocked. She didn't look anything like the picture in her contact at all and I clearly didn't get a proper look at her at the club. I recognised nothing about her. Her hair colour was different, she was at least 10 years older than I was expecting (7 years my senior when I was thinking from the picture 5 years my junior), even her teeth looked different! And without meaning to sound mean, she looked a mess! She was jittery and shaky, her eyes were puffy and very wrinkled and baggy and she had a sheen about her probably from the alcohol. I shouldn't have needed this meeting to realise but it became very apparent that she is clearly an alcoholic. I am still not 100% sure it wasn't another person! but it doesn't seem likely...I got over my shock and just said to myself that it would be a friendly meet up. I had been enjoying our conversations back and forth over text, she seemed intelligent and pleasant so why couldn't we just enjoy each other's conversation.So I asked what she wanted to drink and she asked for a beer. I bought us both a drink and said about moving to a table for food. She said she wasn't feeling good and couldn't eat anything so we put it off. Anyway, her beer vanished and she bought us more. This turned into 4 drinks as she simply didn't want to eat. Now, I wasn't at all attracted to her but I was actually enjoying her company. She had perked up from the booze and was funny and nice. So I was ok staying.All of a sudden she brings out a gift for me from holiday. It was a double shot of strong spirits. She gave it to me and insisted I drink it there and then. I laughed and refused but she continued to insist and goad. I thought 'oh why not' so stupidly drank it. At the time I thought it was amusing! The concern that she was an alcoholic had left me and I was just riding on the booze.Half an hour later I was quite drunk and she was buying more drinks. She was telling me I was drinking too slowly and encouraging me to drink faster. We had 7 pints on an empty stomach and I had this horrible shot. Now please don't think I am putting the blame on anyone else for me drinking that much. On occasion I do this with friend's and it is all in good fun as long as it's not too often. But she was suddenly touching my hands and rubbing my leg. I was sober enough to know that I wasn't interested but for some reason found it too awkward to say anything.We left the bar and I thought it was polite to ask to walk her home, especially as it was now late she was only a 15 minute walk away.To be shamefully honest, the walk back is a blur. Not a blackout, but a blur. She had her arm around me as we walked. We got outside her place and ended up kissing for a few minutes. I couldn't tell you who instigated it or really even how it happened. It just did. Without meaning to make excuses, just telling it how it is, I am very inexperienced when it comes to women and dating. I have had 2 long term relationships, the last one ending a year ago. I have only ever been on 3 dates on my life, including this one, and have never kissed a girl on a first date. But then again, I have never been really drunk on a first date either. I will admit I have been feeling very lonely and was both nervous and excited about the prospect of meeting a woman but I have never been one to get with a woman in any way simply for the sake of it. That's not what I enjoy or want.Luckily she either didn't invite me in or I made my excuses and left before she did. I instantly regretted what I had done and text her on the way back apologising for being too forward. She responded saying she apologised for not inviting me in and wished she had. My phone then died and I was lost for 3 1/2 hours trying to find my way home without a map!All through the day she has been messaging me constantly. It has been fairly everyday things, very similar to our conversations before, but when she got home she sent a picture of her bed saying 'wish you were here' which made me realise she is thinking that there may be more to come rather than it being a mistake. Incidentally she also sent me a picture of a beer she was drinking on her work break....she definitely seems to have a drinking problem. I even told her she shouldn't be drinking and that she needs a break from it but it's not my place or right to tell her what to do.So now I am in a situation where this woman likes me and I am not interested but made the big mistake of kissing her. I feel terrible. I really don't want to hurt her but also don't want to lead her on. I was an absolute idiot for getting that drunk which was clearly the defining factor in what happened.One thing I have learnt is never to drink on a date again, at least not like that, and I never normally would but the situation was a strange one. What is the best way to let her know I am not interested without hurting her feelings. I like her as a person in as much as our conversations are fun and she is an intelligent person and I enjoy talking to her but I feel that any chance of being friends has probably been ruined.Any advice or comments would be gratefully appreciated!
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a break, alcoholic, drunk, kissing, my ex, on holiday, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again all :)
Thank you again for your replies. Especially Honeypie for coming back a second time! (Also, I am in agreement with everything you said in your last response so thank you).
She just asked when she was going to see me again so I took the time to write what I hope was a tactful, truthful message and the result was as positive as it could be and I think feelings, on the whole, have been spared.
What I will take away from this is that I still have a lot to learn about the dating scene and that I no doubt still have a bit of maturing to do in that department (and probably other areas too!)
Thanks again for your time everyone and all the best!!!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (16 October 2018):
 Well, the option to "ghost" her was just that.. an option. After all you don't REALLY know her all that well and if she acts like this with you, I doubt she will be hurt by being ghosted, she will easily pick up another guy to get drunk with.
But like I said, it was an option. And I while I'm not the most polite person, I'd rather ghost someone I BARELY know then having to make up fake excuses as to why I don't want to be around them. It's not my job to teach them to be a certain way. Someone you BARELY know don't give a F about being ghosted. Someone you have spend a few months with or even weeks, THAT is a whole other thing. I am not a fan in general of ghosting, but I'm not a fan of wasting my time (and their) on people I just don't really want to be around.
BUT... I also suggested you could just slowly drop her by not texting back fast and not getting caught up in more "let's get drunk adventures".
As for manning up.. you DID sound like you REALLY didn't WANT to drink that alcohol she had brought back for you but felt you HAD to do it... maybe I read more into it than you meant. Again, not hard to mis-read the intentions of a stranger.
Good luck with whatever you do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2018): I know you don't want to seem like a jerk; and you're profoundly regretful you ever met this woman.
My advise is to nip it at the bud, and simply be honest; and tell her that it will not work. Be polite and say you're sorry to have taken things so far. You hope she will understand that you will no longer be in contact; and wish her well. She's an adult, and will have to deal with that.
Don't pickup girls in bars unless there is adequate lighting, and you haven't had too many yourself.
You couldn't remember much about her from the club when you met-up for a date; maybe because you had a few drinks, and you met her in the middle of your buzz. It doesn't add-up that she looked so entirely different when you met the next time around.
You carefully left out a lot of details about your own condition the night you first met; and created a more complete description of her. So as not to be judged harshly by the aunts and uncles responding to your post. Don't blame it entirely on lighting; it can also be attributed to the fact that you also had a few drinks that evening.
Just be honest. That's all you have to do. I suggest you find a new bar. She only lives 15 minutes from the place you last met. Women you meet in bars and clubs are usually party-people; and you can't judge them, if you were there too! Don't even pretend you want to be friends, because you don't. It would only be leading her on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for you replies. Maybe the question was too long winded for the actual purpose of it to stand out. Essentially I was trying to ask how to be as kind as possible to let someone down after having regretfully kissed them. N91, you are probably right, it is no doubt as simple as you say. I just was hoping for some advice on how to do it tactfully.Honeypie, I think you missed some of the point of what a was saying but I appreciate it was easy to lose the fact that I wasn’t making excuses for getting drunk within my long ramble. The peer pressure, whilst there, was not a reason I gave for getting drunk, it was a backstory to why it happened. I said in my origial text I was ok getting drunk. No maning up for me to do or any womaning up for her to do as it happens.As for saying about not being able to drive, I am in the big city in the UK where it’s not unusual to take public transport for 1 1/2 hours. Slightly different to the States where it is more common to drive around the city. So I wasn’t driving.But at its core, once again your message makes sense and is appreciated. However I am hoping for a way to be more pleasant than to ‘just ghost’ her.I feel to tell someone to ‘man up’ and then advise to ignore her is a little bit of an oxymoron.Thank you both again for your time!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2018): Crikey mate 7 pints of beer and a double shot of whiskey and still you had to drive for 11/2 hrs to get back home. That is taking chance. Isn't it?
Simply stop seeing her if you don't like her. She will find another guy.You are not tbe only guy in this world. That is what dating is about, to see if you like the person you are dating or not.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (16 October 2018):
 If you don’t want to lead her on then stop meeting her for dates. Tell her that you enjoy her company but only see her as a friend. Simple.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2018): I wouldn't ghost her I think that's disgusting behaviour or drop of the earth .. she a person.. who needs professional help but not from you . As for the not interested . Say some like.. I don't want to offend but need to be honest . I found you funny and very likeable but only as a friend . Then I would only be texting her not physically meeting her .If she stops that her choice
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 October 2018):
Jesus, do you not know how to say no?
If you drove 1 1/2 to meet up, could you not have used the "excuse" that you didn't want to drink because you would have to drive home? WHO GIVES an ACTUAL fuck that she was goading you? Aren't you a little too old for peer pressure?
Man up and say no, I'm not drinking!
As for not wanting any more to do with her (romantically) I'd be a bit of a coward and just ghost her. You don't really know her , you kissed her, you got drunk... so what?
Or you can just be slow in responding and over time let yourself drop off the "face of the Earth".
She isn't looking for friendship, she is looking for someone to get drunk with.
And I don't think there is really much ground here for a " real friendship". She sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do. IF you are in your 30's and she is 10 years older, she is too darned old to act like that.
Seriously.
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