A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts,I recently ended a very serious long-term relationship with my girlfriend of many years. This was a woman I felt I might marry and the breakup was difficult for me. It made me question a lot about my judgement and indeed whether people were meant to be together. I also met another woman not long after. She is fun to be with and I am quite fond of her. She says she is taken by me. However, she keeps pushing for more and more from me. It is not enough to go on dates. We have to have this sort of perfect relationship. She lives with roommates and I own three houses on two different properties because of so e good investments I made. I don't rent these out. She keeps pushing to move in and says I don't call her enough. She makes me feel guilty for not spending more time with her.I told her I am not ready to commit to anything. I just like her and that's that. I am not saying I could never fall for her but it had only been 5 months and I am still recovering for my last relationship. She says she understands, but then she gets pushy with me and tells me she needs more from me. I tell her I can't give any more but that I like her and she gets angry. We won't speak for a week until finally she will call and ask why I have not called. Well, it was her that got angry. She says she is not gonna play games, but this seems like a game. I don't feel she is using me, but she is just kind if pushy and maybe a little needy.Our fights are getting worse and to me this is sad because I DO like her. She doubts that. I am definitely scared and reluctant and I think we need to slow down. She feels that means I am playing games. Sometimes she accuses me of taking to other women which, yes, sometimes I do. Mostly it is my lesbian friend who I have known forever and who is in a new relationship of her own so, yes, we ask each other for advice. My lesbian friend is hardly a love interest.Sometimes I feel I just need to end this relationship because it stresses me out. On the other hand. I do like my girlfriend when she's not being pushy and we just talk for hours and hours. What can I tell her to help her understand that I can't go as fast as she wants and if that is what she needs then maybe I am not the right man as painful for me as that is to say?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014):
Thanks. Maybe I do have commitment issues. However, it was my ex-gfs failure to commit that led to us not fulfilling the engagement. I was committed to her up until she decided she wasn't interested.
I like this new girl and I want to see where things lead, but she keeps pressing and pressing on me. I think I am just going to let her go, which is too bad because I think with a little more time and a little less pressure maybe I could take the next step with her. Her failure to understand or unwillingness to wait for me makes me very sad. I understand she'd be taking a risk, but we all take risks in life for things that are worth having. I can see if we'd been together for 2 years, but in my mind this hasn't been long at all for her to be pressuring me like this especially if she understand what I just went through.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): Pushy today, hell made just for you tomorrow. I can guarantee that her behavior will not improve over time. You sound like a reasonable guy. While no one's perfect, you should not have to accept getting pushed around beyond your limit. Get out of this while you can.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2014): I agree with anonymous. Time to work on yourself and figure out your own issues. Let this woman go and make a life with someone else if you're not going to. Neither of you are young enough to waste any more time together.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (18 April 2014):
 I am in this situation also 2 years ago I was the pushy rushy girlfrie cause I like this guy from the first day I saw him. He didnt like committment to much and wanted freedom and I respected that. We are still good friends no hard feelings. Now this year Im the one wanting to go slow cause I see alot of red flags with people. I rushed into my marriage that lasted about 8 to 9 years. I should have not rushed into it either. We learn from our mistakes people dont tell you everything you end up finding out stuff some shocking and its to late then you wonder why they kept it a secret. Been there done that its too much. You end up dating sex is awesome and then you move in together you find out there as much as a pig as you are. You find out they want to be supported instead of be a help mate. You find out there motives and its not the same as yours. Im getting rushed and its kind of annoying especially when you just want to go with the flow and let nature take its course. You don't know people after 5 months or 1 month. I had the police tell me a person I was dating is still married which I thought kinda that they where common law. I heard messages from this ex wife from 7 years ago that he was to come get his stuff cause they were over. I had visited his moms house thats where he staying cause the wife kicked him out and his name was on the lease.He want to come shack with me and live and not pay rent. That's not go happen cause he cant pay all of it as I request. If he cant pay all of it Im not going to jeopardize my support network and resources. I am not supporting any men or women. I am supporting me myself and I. I would mention all the time let me invite you over my house and in my life dont try to force yourway into my business my world and life without permission. I gave none of that. Then I was clear I didnt want to lead anybody on or make a fool of them just cause of love making. Sex is sex to me I just call it lovemaking. Im ok without it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): You own property that you keep empty even though you don't need to.
You are keeping your heart empty even though you don't need to.
You are witholding, ultimately, in relationships.
There is some very deep hurt or pain, from your childhood, which you have covered over by your achievements, causing this reaction to the world.
You are afraid of this pain.
The words of Fatherly Advise will help you.
But you would also benefit from understanding what original pain it was that makes you feel you must have things in your terms.
Until you develop this relationship with yourself, no relationship with any woman will "work"
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A
female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (17 April 2014):
You had a long term relationship but did not marry. Perhaps you are not the marrying kind? Plus you have several empty? houses? If I were she I would wonder why. If she had the same economic profile as you it would be better, but she does not. You have what she wants. It is a very gilded nest being dangled her way, with nobody in it. I think you are happiest on your own with your things. Perhaps dating a lady who would also like to be independent, who has her own property. There is nothing wrong with that. I think you like being wanted, this lady shows her feelings when she fights with you. But she is probably not suitable and you would need a pre nuptial agreement if you married. I would draw a line. Find someone who thinks like you do. Date for the rest of your life and enjoy it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2014): You really need more recovery time, and getting back into the dating pool too soon will bring on a lot of pressure you don't need.
The woman you're presently dating is too needy. She wants a commitment; and she will pressure you until you give-in. The danger is, you may do it too soon just to appease her. She would make a poor choice due to her desperation. She sees the prospect of a financially comfortable life; and that is motivating her to pressure you before you getaway.
I say you should end the relationship; because you're leading her on. You may like her; but you're not ready for a relationship, and she will only become more relentless.
If she needs someone that urgently, allow her the freedom to find him. In the meantime, get over your breakup and return to dating after a brief down-time to get your emotions and feelings in order. You're still under repair.
Being a mature gentlemen, people in our age-group tend to be very desperate about finding other eligible single people. They fear getting old alone; or they are tired of struggling along without a mate. You may only want companionship. You had better make that perfectly clear when you start dating a woman. You're too old to do what you did when you were in your twenties. People over 40 take dating more seriously.
You are a single gentlemen with financial comfort, and have to watch-out for women who are more interested in a fast commitment, marriage, and a comfortable life. "The eligible bachelor" or "the good-catch." In smaller towns where single eligible men are few; and the ratio of single available women is high, their desperation is understandable. The competition is very high. Men of good character and stability are few and far between. So once you find one, it's hard to let go. Hopefully; you are a man of good character, and know how to treat women.
You don't want to be treated like a commodity; nor do you want to be hunted down like prey. You shouldn't mess around with the feelings of women who clearly show they are on a mission. In that sense, my man. You are playing games.
Don't get too cocky or feel too confident. The well can dry up quickly, and your best options can dwindle.
I am gay, and comfortable. I get propositioned by very attractive younger men; seeking someone who can offer them a shortcut to a better lifestyle. They can be quite persistent and persuasive. I'm mindful of their motives, and keep a level-head. I'm flattered by the attention; but date within my own age-group. I move as slowly as I please. I don't play games, but I do carefully evaluate what is happening; and how things progress as I make a connection with anyone. I don't like being rushed. My experience has taught me not to rush other people. Allow them to come to me willingly.
If people pressure you, those are the people you avoid. No matter how much you like them. Move at your own pace. That's not playing games, that is being wise.
Unless you're a player who just likes dangling women on a string. The karma is brutal, and "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!" You reap what you sow!
Feelings take time to develop, you have to get to know the person you're becoming attached to; and it takes time to grow together. Your feelings must be on the same page, and you have to be sure people want you for you. Not for what you have, or can give them.
Speak up and tell her you're not ready, and allow her the option to move on. Don't use your charm to play with her feelings.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (17 April 2014):
 the depth and complexity of this question are more than is usual for Dear Cupid. The problem isn't so much that you are incompatible personalities, but that your situations are incompatible. Also, interestingly your approaches to life are opposed precisely. You are not so interested in security in relationship. (over 40 years old in a long term relationship and never achieved marriage) Instead you have become stable and secure financially. She on the other hand is seeking financial security through relationship security.
Making an assumption that she is of a similar age to you there is also a biological disparity between you. Her biological clock is screaming that it is now or never. You on the other hand are still under the illusion that you will live forever.
So what to do? Let me reassure you that you are the right man for her. She knows it. She is up against 2 barriers in achieving her goal. First you really are still in recovery and timing is no ones fault. She wishes somewhat unrealistically that you would hurry up and get over it. Only you will know when you are ready. Secondly, You have a long history of not making the final commitment. In fact that history is likely to make you misjudge when you are ready to move on. My advice is that you make small commitments to her right away. For example, while you are not ready to move in together you could commit to more frequent dating or contact. You could express your commitment to exclusivity. This kind of thing will serve two purposes. First it will reassure her, and second it will get you more comfortable with committing to her.
so a short summary. Despite your differences you are well matched. You really aren't ready for a long term commitment to her. Due to unfortunate timing she is in need of commitment now. To keep her interest, give her the commitments that you are able to give.
FA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 April 2014):
 Stop dating. You aren't ready.
Secondly, stop seeing this lady. If she pushes you to move in together after 5 months, it's not the relationship she wants, it's OUT of her current living situation. And YOU are her way out.
She is also trying to control whom you can talk to (honestly the sexual preference of your female friend shouldn't matter), you should be able to talk to friends MALE OR FEMALE without her acting like an insecure teenager.
She isn't going to listen no matter HOW you try and explain that you need to go slow. Because she DOESN'T WANT to go slow.
Take a breather from dating. When you are ready again. Figure out in yourself what your pace is, for dating, exclusivity, being intimate, living together and so forth. Don't let people rush you, if they do they aren't for you. You need someone who is on the same page as you.
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