A
male
age
41-50,
*epleted
writes:I have known my girlfriend for 15yrs, we have been in a relationship for 6yrs. this month I asked the big question and bought her an engagement ring. My co worker family owns a jewelry store so i bought a second hand ring that has been appraised for 5k,(.69carat). she was so happy it even brought a tear to my eye. ..... Then that same month I bought a new truck, i've been out of a vehicle for about a year now. Now when i bought the truck and brought it home the first thing out of her mouth was "i bet you spent more on that truck than you did my ring" wtf!!!???? so of course we argue and then she says my ring and proposal was weak . we have been at it the whole month . im ready to leave her....wait! and here me out this woman has complained of every item i have purchased like laptops,tvs,cell,phones,vehicle,etc.But never get a complaint when i buy her something.
View related questions:
co-worker Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): Holy crap.
I'm glad my wife is old-fashioned asian. Even though I make good money, SHE refuses to spend more than $1K for the ring. But she's happy when we buy another investment house, another CD, etc., for the future.
3 months of salary. Who makes that rule and why are we sheep to follow it. Some rich mining executive is laughing his ass off as we speak.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 July 2010):
 I just googled solitaire diamond engagement rings, and you can buy a 1 carat diamond solitaire for somewhere around $2.2 K, so either you were ripped off by your friend, or you haven't actually come clean on how much you actually spent.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 July 2010):
Just to doublecheck something. You said it was a .69 ct ring appraised at 5K. Does this mean that it is a .69 solitaire diamond that you paid $5K for, or did you spend closer to $2K? Or even less?
There's the appraisal, which is essentially worthless, really, and what someone is actually willing to pay you for the ring.
Could you be a bit more specific on that? Thanks!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 July 2010):
 Ok, before anybody accuses me of being a greedy b---ch, let's get this out of the way : a 5000 USD ring is a very nice ring and I wish I had one, I'd be overjoyed. And I am really more into the sentimental value of objects than the material one : many times I have given away
expensive stuff I owned, and kept cheap trinkets that reminded me special people or occasions.
But let me play devil's advocate too...
My husband was economically comfortable and he used to give me nice presents for Xmas, a gold watch, gold earrings, stuff like that. One year he comes to me with a somber face and says : I am afraid that this year I can't buy you anything nice because, ehr,well,you know" I interrupt him : "Say no more ! I'll be happy with anything as long as it comes from you " ( yeah. I can't believe it now ) So I got a pink J.P. Penney pajamas with a little teapot printed on, and how happy I was with my cute new teapot pajamas. Until- until I found out that the reason for this Xmas budget cut was that he had got himself a new state -of-the- art sophisticate stereo Hi Fi system...to substitute the one he had bought just two years
before.
Rationally, I was OK with it. It was his own money. He worked hard for it. He owed me nothing. He had been generous other times. I loved my pajamas.
Emotionally-say all you want, but it's another story. Maybe it's the society but we get used to think that if a man cares about you, if he prizes you- he'll go out on a limb for you, he'll make a special effort , a special sacrifice. Once there were knights in shining armour battling big dragons for their true love- now we have guys in
executive suits signing big cheques.
I don't think your gf is a gold digger . I think she was a bit disappointed that you are crazy about her - within reason. That you'd give her the world- once you've got all the new gadgets first.
It is irrational, childish, wrong,selfish and all the bad things you want- nevertheless,it crosses your mind.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): She just wants some more attention is guess mate, if you can afford it take her for a vacation for 2 days or so, a good one. Just bite your tongue, be nice to her and leave her craving for the attitude you had at that vacation for the rest of her life. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, Kenj  +, writes (26 July 2010):
 Maybe she found out it was second hand?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 July 2010):
Okay, I'm going to play devil's advocate here. The opinion expressed next is not necessarily that of the aunt known as Tisha. Now that we have the legalities out of the way, allow me to explain.
In thinking about this, my first reaction was to get angry with her too. Jeez, the guy just asked you to marry him and you start complaining? Then I thought a little bit more and wondered what she might be thinking and feeling. We know your side, but maybe this is hers:
"FINALLY, after SIX YEARS, the lovable bear asked me to marry him! I can't believe it! After so many years, I never thought he'd ever get around to it.
"And why did it take him so long? I guess I stuck around because I love him but he certainly is all about himself. He'll spend money on lots of things for himself, stuff that he doesn't really need, like fancy new TVs and changing cell phones when he's got a perfectly good one, and laptops and truck. And here I have waited patiently , being told that it's too expensive to get married. That's all money that could have been saved for our kids education or a down payment for a better house. He's not averse to spending money on himself, but when it comes to me, he has made me wait and wait and wait and now I get a ring that is only $5,000--second hand at that! He didn't even pick out a new stone and have it set. He gets a new truck and I get a used rock."
[Am I getting the tone right? I'm just imagining her side.]
I think what you are experiencing is the flood of resentment that has finally bubbled to the surface following the proposal. We women are funny that way. We expect it to be spectacular and amazing and the rock should be big enough to shut EVERY other woman around us right down--look at THIS ring, he must really love me if he's willing to give me such a spectacular ring!
Maybe you both are defensive about your positions and don't feel the other one is really listening to his/her points. I'm not hearing much understanding of her points coming from you, more resentment bubbling up from your side on how naggy she is about money and how she feels treated by you, when you have probably been very generous over the past six years.
I think you can both learn from this, if you are prepared to face some uncomfortable truths about each other's feelings. She's with you because she loves you, you big lummox. He's with you because he loves you, you naggy woman! You're both on the same page, now you just need to learn to speak each other's language and see how past hurts and resentments can cause fights like this.
I would hate for you to throw away a long relationship without a good try at saving it.
Put away your anger for now and try to listen to her. Try to encourage her to put away her anger for now and try to listen to you. Maybe an objective third party could help, couples counseling isn't just for married people, you know.
If you don't learn some new communication skills with her, you are going to be doomed to a life of repeating the same ol' same ol' complaint whine bitch bitch bitch carp nag....
Each of you has a point, each of you has valid and explainable feelings. Now you just have to work on figuring out how to convey them to the other in a loving and supportive way.
Go get 'er. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 July 2010):
I want you to think about whether you can handle this treatment every hour, of every day, of every year for the rest of your life. Seriously, this woman is a very bad choice. Very bad. The whole idea of engagement is blown out the water when the woman focuses on the ring and not the point. 5k is a lot a spend on a ring. And she was moaning. And you say she's moaned about everything else. I'd ditch her and move on to a woman who values you as something more than just an ATM card.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 July 2010):
 She sounds a little ungrateful.
...............................
A
female
reader, cocoqueen88 +, writes (26 July 2010):
 there is nothing like a complaining woman. sounds like if you marry her, your whole world will be of nothing but nagging and who wants that
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): if she has been like this for at least 6 years and maybe 15 years i dont think she is going to change. You are at a crossroads, you need to take a really hard look at what you want from the future. If you can live with her faults as well as her good points, then go for it, but go into this not expecting her to change. marriage doesnt change women for the better in general...the dating years are us putting our best foot forward.
If you cant handle accounting for every bit of money you spend, and justifing your needs to her, then you need to rethink this relationship.
Have you ever sat down with her and talked about this when neither of you were upset? Try that and see what she says. :)mal
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (26 July 2010):
 When a woman complains about an engagement ring, that is the single WORST warning sign you can possibly see, short of cheating with your best friend. The ring is a rock representing the actual thing of value, the commitment. It's monetary value is meaningless; the only legitimate use of money to indicate the value of a relationship should be a down payment on a house.
I repeat, this is the worse warning sign you can see. She WILL be a nagging, materialistic, unfaithful woman. She WILL abandon you at the first sign of hard times. Do NOT marry her. Apologize and break it off.
You should try to get the ring back, but you probably will not be able to. She will feel entitled to keep it if you break off the relationship; legally, most states say she is entitled to it.
Good luck searching for a higher quality woman.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (26 July 2010):
 Why did you ask her to marry you? Does she make you really happy?
...............................
A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (26 July 2010):
Personally, if I spent $5000 on a ring for a woman (which I would never do) and she said anything negative about it, I would be ready to discuss an immediate breakup. Hell, I'd feel like that if I spent five HUNDRED dollars. I personally am very anti-materialistic. I just cannot handle it. If it were me, I'd take the ring back, sell it, and invest the money. Good luck.
...............................
|
