A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm about to start college really soon and I am very excited! Anyways, I'm a guy in the closet and I really want to come out because I want to start dating and meeting other gay people. The reason I can't at the moment is because I come from a very traditional Italian/Greek, Roman-Catholic family and they are very religious. My mother is a little open-minded but my father can be a little homophobic. He's against Gay Marriage and he's for the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, although he has gay friends but he always speaks to me about getting married to a woman and having kids and I don't want to let him down. I don't really care because I want to stay true to myself but my parents mean a lot to me since they have raised me with good morals and they have been very supportive of me. I love them. I guess I'm just afraid since I am indeed insecure of my sexual orientation, however, I have been feeling more confident lately. Well, I have a lot of questions regarding college and the gay community...1) What is your opinion on dating someone in the closet? Do you think that the closet should only be used for clothes?2) How do you know someone is gay without literally asking them? I might get many answers such as visiting "Gay Clubs" or "Gay Bars" but I'm going into a Health Science program (Oh yeah!) that requires me to attend school for a very long time! My hours are limited for social time. Do they give any signs? Is there such thing as a Gaydar?3) Do you think physical appearance is beneficial? Do you think it's just a little "bonus?" Do you prefer masculine or feminine guys? Why or why not?4) I have heard that many of the gay relationships are open-relationships. Is there a high-risk of a partner cheating in a gay relationship if it's supposed to be monogamous? Does monogamy exist in the gay community?5) There is also the fear of catching any STDs such as HIV/AIDS. Do you recommend getting tested every month or so? How do you know someone has that particular disease? How do you prevent getting HIV/AIDS other than having sex with protection?6) WARNING: Disgusting question coming up... What hurts more? Receiving the gift or offering it? Which one feels better? How do you know if people are top or bottom? How do you give a BJ correctly? If it's your first time doing it, how do you make it less awkward? Do you warn your partner about your virginity? 7) If you kiss or hold hands with your partner at school, do people glance at you in a strange matter? Do teachers allow it? Have you ever been bullied for being gay in college? Do people make you feel like an outcast? Do people find it awful or adorable? 8) Lastly, what makes you attracted to the same gender? I apologize if this was too long... I'm just curious and I want to come out of the closet with strength and knowledge! Thank you. :)
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reader, AvgGuy1  +, writes (20 June 2011):
 1) Dating someone in the closet:Some guys will NOT date you if you are in the closet... and some may dump you after a while if you don't 'come' out. The reason being is openness, especially if they are out and you are not. It makes them uncomfortable having to hide you or having to pretend to be straight for your friends. This is something you'll need to consider. Being in the closet and hooking up with guys for sex is more acceptable than actual dating/being in love.2) Gaydar:If you are gay, you have your gaydar. You eventually fine tune it and you can just tell if someone is gay. Mine works fine with guys, but not so well with the lesbians. Probably the biggest 'tell' is if someone pays an inordinate amount of attention (for a guy) to you. If they stare into your eyes while talking to you - you might even notice their pupils dilate (if you're lucky and very attentive). You'll 'know'. It just takes time to fine tune your gaydar.3) Appearance:Appearance is somewhat apparent... to everyone, gay or straight, so if you are trying to date/be noticed. Make sure you don't look like a slob, that you don't stink, your hair isn't totally unkempt, etc. As for preferences... some people find specific ethnic groups attractive, others like older/younger guys, some like masculine types others prefer feminine, some like hairy guys, others smooth, some like muscular/body builder types, while others like skinny or chubby guys... You develop your own - so I don't know why you're asking what we prefer.4) Relationships/Monogamy:Gay relationships, as has previously been pointed out, are pretty much just like any other relationship. Gay men do tend to be a little less monogamous than their straight counterparts but... if you are looking for monogamy you can put that out there when you first meet someone. Many (I'd guess about 1/3) gay relationships do tend to end up 'open' in some form or another. Mine is and it's basically a way of avoiding boredom - so to speak. I also think it helps you appreciate what you've 'got'.5) STDs:Well... there's no reason for being tested MONTHLY, unless you're really whoring around. Most guys I know get tested once every three months - if they're on the prowl (so to speak). But... the rule is.. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS practice safe sex.6) BJs, tops/bottoms, virginity, etc:Again, these are things that you work out with whomever you are having sex. You won't know whether you prefer to be top, bottom or versatile until you try. Some only like oral as well. You won't know until you've had experience. As far as BJs are concerned, just avoid scraping his dick with your teeth and you should be good. You can always warn your partner too... that it's your first time doing something - especially useful when it comes to bottoming.7) Reactions from others:This really depends on where you live. For the most part, unless you're in a gay 'area' try not to be too outgoing with same-sex PDA (public display of affection). It still makes _MOST_ straight people, and even some gay people, uncomfortable. It really just depends on the situation... but be advised that it's a safety issue as well. There's always the type out there that wanna beat the crap out of a couple of 'fags' PDAs make it extremely easy for them to identify you.8) Lastly, what makes you attracted to the same gender?Uh. What?!?! No one knows. I mean, go ask a straight person when they figured out they were straight. Chances are you'll get 'wulll... i've always been straight'. If you ask a gay person, they probably can't really identify when they weren't gay. Some believe it's genetics, others think it's environmental.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): With your parents there is no rush; trust me and in some situations it's better if you only tell one of them or don't tell either depending on your situation. It all comes down to what you feel comfortable doing. Dating people while your in the closet is a great idea because it gives you a chance to explore your sexuality and truly figure out if your gay or not. By dating people while they're in the closet also gives them this opprotunity however be prepared in case they decide that they aren't really homosexual.Gay people are just like every one else there is no 100% full proof way of knowing if someone is gay or not. With that said though some guys do every thing they can to show that they are gay; if you are unsure simply start a conversation and work your way in that direction.It's all a matter of what you like and what you look for in a guy. Personally I'm more on the feminine guy so I prefer someone more masculine who will take charge and I guess you could say show me who's boss. But like I said it all depends on what you prefer.Okay apparently you have been subjected to some stereotypes over the years; let me clear this up for you. There is no difference between a heterosexual and homosexual relationship besides the genders of the two involved. There is always going to be a risk that your partner is going to cheat on you whether you're straight or gay. I don't want to be mean but don't be a whore it's as simple as that. Don't sleep with 15 different guys a month; find someone who you care about, someone you love. Sex should be passionate and just a way to connect with someone on a deeper level. After you find that person you both should go get tested together just to be safe; most guys will be okay and understand that you just want to be safe. However if you want to goof around with different guys, there is usually no way of telling if someone has an std. Sometimes small bumps will pop up howevever this could also be ingrown hairs. So honestly there is no for sure way of knowing except to go get tested. The best way of preventing it is where a condom. (Side note: don't forget you can also get an STD through giving or reciving oral sex.)ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?!? Okay I'm going to tell you a secret the biggest turn off a guy can have is to be embarassed about sex. It's something you'll need to talk to your boyfriend about at some point; don't be embarassed about it. Now back to your question. The first time you recieve anal sex it's going to hurt to some extent for a while until your body adapts to the other persons member. However after you do adapt it's one of the best feelings in the world. Givinig anal sex to someone for there first time can hurt. If the person is tight its going to feel uncomfortable until they adapt to you. However it's like receiving once the other person gets "comfortable" it's one of the best feelings in the world. There is no right way to give a blow job. Basicly you put the other persons dick in your mouth and suck while movinig back and forth. Here are some tips though: just relax; you will be able to take more of you boyfriend if you relax, don't drink alcohol before hand; alcohol makes the throat muscles tighten, don't ever let your teeth slide against the other guys penis; nothing hurts more than to have teeth grate along your dick, use your tongue; you have it why not use it play with their head with your tongue it is one of the best feelings in the world, finally listen to the other guy, look for body signals and moans to figure out what he likes. Don't rush into things, that's what makes it awkward. Your boyfriend should know if you are or not if he doesn't then tell him so he knows to take it easy on you or he could hurt you.This one I really can't help with due to the fact that I'm only a sophmore in high school. However if you hold hands you're going to get some dirty looks from homophobes because no matter where you are there is going to be at least one. I have been bullied and go through it daily it's just something you learn to deal with. I guess it just depends on how mature the people around you are that decides if you'll be bullied. I do not feel like an out cast I have plenty of friends; yes they are mostly girls but oh well. You'll find people who think you and your boyfriend are adorable and people who think that you both are abominations. It all depends on if they are judgemental and how they were raised.I'm sorry but this question made me laugh because it's such a common misconception. You do not chose if you are gay or straight just like you don't chose if you like country or rock music. You are who you are just because that's the way your brain is wired. I'm sorry that my answer was a little on the long side and I'm sorry I couldn't help you out with the college life questions but I'm still 3 years away from experiencing that myself. I wish you the best of luck and remember no ones opinion matters but your own; you'll meet people who are douches about your sexuality and you just have to forgive them for being narrow sighted. I hope this helped :D!!!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 June 2011):
 hi,
Your question made me curious. Are you just curious about gay or genuinely gay? Because some of your comments surprised me.
For instance I am happily hetrosexual. But I would never think of using the words 'disgusting question coming up..' in relation to an aspect of sexual relations between two happily consenting adults.
And it surprised me that you 'wouldn't want to' let your father down in relation to marriage and children??? Hello?
I can only presume you mean a marriage with another man where you adopt a child born to a woman where you are in a relationship with a man?
And gay men are not visually identifiable to the rest of the human population. They are normal people who prefer people of the same sex when it comes to sexual relations.
And in answer to protection? The answer is to use CONDOM everytime. End of story.
Your curiousity made me wonder.
As a potentialy gay guy, surely you have already run into gay guys who you fancy already?
There are risks of cheating in any sexual relationship. Trust develops over time. You learn to trust a person by observing their actions.
My preference, when dating, was always learn about a person, as a friend, first. The delay, while the friendship was explored and without sex, suited me. But I am not saying that is the only way to go. It suits me. But may be soundly rejected by others. That is fine, because others have to do what suits them and their personalities. My method suited me. Even where there was over-whelming interest and attraction already happening, on my part. It weeded out those too impatient to wait, those not interested in a real relationship or who were not genuine. And it weeded out people, who I came to realise, were not on my wave-length in other ways.
It may take you some time to work out who to trust, when to trust. And to trust your own judgement. Perhaps observe, at first, as you familiarise yourself with how things are..
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