A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi there, i dnt knw where to start but il try my best. My wife was promiscuous in her college days 40men to be exact. After i found out abt her past i asked her abt and told me she had low self esteem, i didnt believe her shes drop dead gorgous what low esteem could she have. She was my 1st sexual encounter after we got married.how am i suppose to live now?
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male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (5 May 2011):
If she lied about being a virgin to get married, then told you she had slept with 40 guys.. wow, that is some serious deceit.
I think you need to decide yourself.. is sex something that important that it means ending the marriage over. I don't think you can ever look at her in the same way, but if you have some deeper form of love for her, then maybe you will be able to see through it and learn to accept her for the way she is now. It's going to be a tough one though, I don't think I could do it.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (5 May 2011):
Hi there. What she did then really has no impact on who she is now in your marriage.
It certainly is no reason to not trust her, if this is what you are feeling.
It's inevitable that prior to most relationships, that there will be at least some past sexual experiences. It is just a part of life.
It's not like you were seeing her in that time and she was cheating on you with all those other guys. That was not the case at all.
The wisest thing you could possibly do now, is to simply accept it and move on.
It does not mean that she loves you any less.
And don't for one minute, start comparing yourself to any of her past sexual partners. You can be sure that she isn't doing that.
Besides they were all about her getting some attention, in order for her to feel good about herself. She probably never loved any of them.
Life is one great learning curve from start to finish.
And as far as being good looking and having low self esteem is concerned, well just because a person is drop dead gorgeous, does not automatically mean they will feel psychologically good about themselves. Beauty is only skin deep. True beauty and confidence comes from within. It's clear to me that she was lacking in personal confidence during that part of her life - as she has stated to you.
She is probably a lot wiser now and learnt a lot about herself, and she also has a husband who loves her deeply.
I wouldn't be too concerned about it. It's what happens now that really counts.
Trust her completely, unless she gives you any reason not to.
If she treats you well and with kindness, dignity and respect always, and shows you that she loves you by all the little things she does for you, well then you can be sure that she loves YOU and only you.
You have nothing to fear.
Take care and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): Cerberus Raphael said "this so-called pain you are feeling"
Wow.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (24 April 2011):
 Perhaps she lied knowing you would react like this. In any case, do you actually want to leave her? I have to admit, it would be understandable were there to be trust issues born from this but you cannot assume everything she has ever told you was a lie. She didn't take you for a fool, she made one mistake in this relationship and now you have to decide whether or not this is enough to end it.
What is this relationship based on anyway? Love? If it is, do you really want to leave her because of this? Is this so called pain you are feeling, so unbearable that you would leave her now? What drove you into this marriage in the first place if not love? You know you are better than those other men, you know in her heart you mean more to her than all those meaningless people and whatever she has with you now, she will treasure. What will she think if ever she should look back on her past? Will she want to go back? No. She most certainly wouldn't. You can either stay with her and put this away into the past where it belongs or you can become just another one of those mistakes.
Whatever you choose, act on it with respect. Do not hold this over her or you will just make things worse for both of you.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (24 April 2011):
 Live happily. You have a beautiful wife who has chosen you over a whole bunch of other men.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbut she should have told me before we got married instead of lyng to me that she broke her hyman horse back riding she took me for a fool. now shes pleading for me not to leave her.what makes it worse is the way i found out we invited work mates over got a little drunk and we all started talking about our first time. my bloated out my work mate was her first
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): "shes drop dead gorgous what low esteem could she have"Exactly the type of woman who has poor self esteem frequently.Go into a health club, find the woman who is the most awesome sexually hot woman there, and you will have found the woman who is more likely than no the most fucked up self esteem wise (same often holds true for the men).Not always true, but frequent enough to scare you away from "hot" women.I've worked with a lot of "hot" women, the kind of women that many guys will think are "out of my league". You know, the funny thing is that most of them will have sex with anyone who will give them the time of day...I'm not kidding. Not because they are horny, but because they "don't feel good" about themselves. The work, and work, and work, to be hot and attractive, and worry and worry and worry. So, a guy like me, who has a middle aged gut and can't run a six minute mile any more, who clearly isn't in their league or age group, only has to show them some courtesy and smile a lot and they are ready to go (I don't do this, but I know guys who make ME look REALLY handsome who do and I used to think 'what's with that?").Now I know.By the way, my wife same story, and she's hot. But, I had hells bells of self esteem and have nothing like the kind of sexual history that she has...funny thing is that she always thought I was much more good looking than her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): Major differences in sexual history are a bad sign for two people's compatibility.
This should have been discussed a long time ago before the marriage. If you never brought it up then that's your own fault. If she lied to you, then it's her fault and you have no obligation to be okay with anything she didn't tell the truth about back then.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (24 April 2011):
Just because you find someone extremely attractive, you cannot assume it is impossible for them to have such low self-esteem. It doesn't matter how many times people tell them just how stunning they find them, it is difficult to appease the desire for appraisal for people with self-esteem issues.
You carry on loving your wife as you would have and as you should because those were her college days and to be honest, it isn't the worst amount, there have been women who have had far more partners than that, a dangerous amount of partners in fact. Be respectful of your wife because she did this out of a need and desperation, because she didn't know how else to feel beautiful.
There are men who think they need to cheat to 'get back' at their wives for being what they think is promiscuous. OP if you have an urge like this, I strongly suggest you either put it out of your mind or you leave your wife before you do something stupid.
Take your wife out on a date, put all talk of sexual things away and just spend time admiring the beauty of the other side of her, why you fell in love her and then realize that it doesn't matter how many men she has been with, surely you would not feel this way had it been you with 40 partners and she with only you. Surely you would feel just as she does and you would not want her to leave you, you would see no reason for such brash and irrational actions so don't you behave that way.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): You should live normally now, past is gone and she wasn’t married at that time. I have been in the same situation too. I am very attractive and resisted hundreds of proposals and finally ended up having 7 boyfriends for my whole life before marriage. I am married now and I feel so bad sometimes and I wish I didn’t have any boyfriend, but the past is gone and I can not do anything about it. Guys still do not leave me alone and I always get lots of attentions and hints but it is IMPOSIIBLE that I cheat. I think it is very illogical if you leave your wife for her past.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): The only thing I've got to say: self-esteem is about a lot more than physical appearance. It's possible that she did have self-esteem issues.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): How are you supposed to live now?
Perhaps live with the reassurance that she chose you to marry and not any of the other people she happened to sleep awith.
Beautiful women often have low self esteem...do you think Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian would behave in such sexually overt ways on TV if they felt absolutely secure in their sexuality?
If you can't deal with it and her past is unacceptable to you, then divorce her.
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