A
female
age
26-29,
*aisyb212
writes:im worried about my relationship with my step daughter (9 yrs old), briefly: she moved in with me and her dad in september last year coz her mum said she couldn't cope, me n the girl had a good relationship and despite her occasional insecurities all was well, however since the start of this year its been deteriorating, her behaviour towards me has changed, she is cheeky to me, always argues back, sometimes she can be hurtful too but i try not to make much out of it, yesterday i told her to go to her room cause she was being bit cheeky to her dad, she just sat in front of tv and refused to go, i said if she didn't go now she'd be in bed 30 mins early than usual bedtime, anyway she quite calmly walked out of the living room into the hall, sat cross legged on the floor, started crying and told her dad I had hit her. I was shocked to say the least as I hadn't even been close to her and had made no physical contact that she could have even exaggerated! I would never hit a child, I have never even man handled her and I don't have a temper. I am a calm person who discusses things. Luckily for me her dad had been wathcing and listening as the whole thing unfolded and new the truth. He asked her when I had hit her, she said 'just now- when i was coming out of the living room' we tried to make her understand the seriousness of the lie she told, and later she did say sorry to me and that she hoped i didn't hate her. so for now it is ok, but I am terrified she mite do something like this again. I find it very shocking and me and her dad r very dissapointed but It was me she was talking about so im scared. I;m even embarrassed to ask for advice in case some of you think 'no smoke without fire'. guess i just have to get on with things butmI;m just scared of whats she's capable of at only 9 years old. I;m guessing she gets this behaviour from her mother but she's turning into her own little person n that excuse will only fit for so long. I don't know, just getting worried I guess.
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male
reader, rcn  + ♥, writes (25 January 2008):
 I think she's just testing you. She's been hurt by her mom. That happens when transfered from one home to another. A sense of abandonment. She's making sure you're going to be there for her. Once she's sure you're not going anywhere, it'll start mellowing out. I could tell this by the one comment, "I hope you don't hate me."
9 years old is a good age for this to begin as well. My daughters did it with their moms boyfriend after the divorce. My oldest (a daddy's girl) told her counselor at school that my girlfriend at the time slapped her. That never happened, but in her mind my girlfriend and her mom's boyfriend were standing in the way of their mom and I getting back together. Take out the middle men. Their calm now, because they grew a bit and matured and are now able to accept issues and not be so confused by them. Think of this 9 year old child. You sound like you're a very caring person. One thing I bet she's feeling is "mom and dad aren't together, mom sent me to dad's, what's to stop this "stepmom" from leaving me too."
By acting up and you not leaving is proving your going to be there for her so that close relationship can take place again. You also have to remember children many times blame themselves for their parents splitting up. So the both of you keep reassuring her that it's not her fault. Keep validating to her how much both of you want her to be in your home. When she talks back, direct her behavior, not her. A child that age sees "your acting bad" as "I'm a bad person", direct it as "your behavior needs to improve" and always "all though you talked back, I still love you."
I would also recommend setting up a date night just for you and her. Pick some place special that's your place to spend time together. It's somewhere you don't take others, because it has to remain special. Let her know, if both of you can treat eachother with respect during the week, and talk if upset instead of throwing fits, then you'll go to ____________, once a week at a certain time, and certain day. This shows you're willing to clear your callendar consistently just for her, and it will help you develop a powerful relationship with her.
I hope this helps you. Take care.
A
female
reader, massageismylife +, writes (25 January 2008):
 Well i love kids and usually am very good with them. I have heard this story before. I think you should sit her down and discuss the things she has done, i know she is only 9 but this is usually when the attitudes begin for a girl. Also, if this happens again make sure nothing is going on at school with her friends or anything. Lastly, sime girls are early bloomers so watch out for her period! I hope this helped you a little!! oh and maybe if it does happen again ask her mom if she is acting the same way towards her! Bye Bye now!
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