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Previously I messed up. What should I do differently this time?

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 July 2016) 4 Answers - (Newest, 19 July 2016)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hello. My story is pretty simple. I messed up. Bad. I was with my woman for 6+ years, since we were sophomores in high school.

Truth be told I cheated on her. Why? For the longest time I felt like I didn't matter.

Like even the littlest things were never noticed or she took for granted. If I bottled conflicts in to avoid fights, she would get mad.

If I brought it to her attention, she didn't want to hear it. Many times I would tell her how I felt and what I wanted from a relationship and she would nod her head but rarely be proactive. Many of things simply was just being affectionate and "lovey-dovey" or spontaneous if you will. I simply wanted her to see my efforts I poured into the relationship and have her respond to them like a girlfriend and not treat me like a friend almost.

You see, my girlfriend and I were both in college, doing different studies.

I worked after school. She had her club. I felt like it was my obligation as her boyfriend to squeeze in time for her romantically, affectionately, communication wise.

Just be available since we would be busy. I made sure to also balance time for myself. And have her enjoy her own time that way we wouldn't drown each other's company. I went through a lot of stress because I knew my girlfriend is the adventurous type and I didn't want to be boring.

However, since I paid for my own education (thank God she qualified for grants and scholarships) I did not have a lot of left over money. My finances were extremely tight. I tried to still take her out on dates.

Through my stress and still willingly loving her, she really would try to try to fit me into her day. The amount of effort she put into her clubs or friends were more evident than to me. Like I would just wish the way she was proactive for her friends or random students in her club, I wished she would be more proactive with what I wanted.

I would push her to be the best she could be but if I needed her help with something I would have to either fit into her schedule or she had to get some type of benefit from it. If it was a favor that only I would I guess benefit, it was usually a hard no.

So I understand people get busy with school,work or other things in life, but love is unpredictable and you make sure you tend to it and always try to make it work and not squeeze it into a schedule. So with my gf she told me I wasn't worth the effort. (She revealed this to me after we had broken up) so I cheated. I met a girl who made time. The effort I gave, it was reflected. It was a two way street. My gf found out, we parted. We spoke again months later. We communicated. She told me why she said she was slow to be affectionate (me not being worth it, even though I once cried on her doorstep to tell her I didn't feel worth it for to comfort me and say I was).

So we are back together. I know I took the cowardly way out by cheating.

I did communicate to her my problems. She just never responded until it was too late. We have about a month together. What should I expect this time or what should I do differently? Am I wrong in any way? (Besides the obvious cheating)

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (19 July 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntCould be wrong, but it sounds to me she has taken you back because you are obviously 'worth' the effort of some ow affections. I mean you weren't worth much to her as she told you, so again it sounds more like " I'll show you bitch' Its amazing what you think you want when you loose it. Not just that but do you really think she will let you live the cheating down? Not that thats a good thing because it sux regardless of who did what, but really ? I wouldn't want to be the mouse on that wheel. Of course this is just speculation, but thats my two cents worth. Why not seek out this ow and be with her? She sounds more of a match than this one.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (19 July 2016):

Aunty BimBim agony auntHmm

Let me recap what you have written:

You cheated because

she never noticed the little things

you would bottle stuff in to avoid fights, which made her mad

When you pointed this out to her she would nod her head

You wanted her to acknowledge your efforts

She didn't respond as you thought a girlfriend should, but almost treated you like a friend instead

She didn't pay for her education, you paid for yours but still took her out on dates

She did try to fit you into her day but you feel she put more effort into her clubs and friends

You would push her to achieve but she rarely returned the favour ..........

And that's a shortened list of why you cheated, with a girl who put in the time and gave back to you, unlike your girlfriend. Your girlfriend found out you were cheating, and some months later she said you were not worth the effort.

Nothing in your submission tells us why you have decided to reconnect with your girlfriend, nor what has changed to make you think it will work this time.

Maybe the person you should be asking the question of is your girlfriend, and if you find she just nods her head maybe you need to consider if there is a future for the two of you together, or not.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2016):

"What should I expect this time or what should I do differently?"

More of the same and there's nothing you can do.

"Am I wrong in any way?"

Not necessarily wrong, but you are discounting if not ignoring the obvious: Young people grow and change and evolve as they mature into adults, and as a result the overwhelming majority of high school romances do not endure because it is very difficult for couples to maintain a common ground while each engages in their own individual educational and vocational pursuits.

You've been together since you were HS sophomores and it now appears that she is now a mature adult who has her own interests that don't necessarily include you, while you seem to be clinging to an overly romantic, idealized, unrealistic, high school view of the world Unless you can temper your clinginess and neediness and need for attention she's eventually going to get tired of you (and even then she still might).

It seems like your personalities weren't all that compatible to begin with, and that lack of commonality has exacerbated as she's grown up. I suspect she may have taken you back out of sympathy and/or expedience. You need to be prepared to move on from her, she already is.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2016):

Your whole post is pretty much blaming her for everything. It takes two to tango. You did not have to cheat if she was such a rubbish girlfriend you could have just dumped her first.The question you should be asking is why did you stay in a relationship that made you unhappy and lack the courage to end it before jumping ship? With all this in mind why would you even want another chance at this relationship? The way you've written this it makes no sense to me that you want to be with the same person again. I didn't work out the first time, why is it going to be different again?

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