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Pregnant despite the pill -- how to tell the new b/f?

Tagged as: Pregnancy<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 April 2014) 11 Answers - (Newest, 15 April 2014)
A female Canada age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone I have a bit of a problem and could do with some help I have been with my boyfriend for 9 weeks now I am on the pill but have just found out I am 4 weeks pregnant I'm in total shock does anyone have any advice on how to break this news to him thank you

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2014):

Someone also said that false positives are quite common .. Eh medically speaking no there not .. If you tested yourself with a urine stick that you can purchase from a chemist this is just as accurate as going to your gp. However you still need to see your gp and they will do another test for you ..

Positive can never mean negative.. But a negative can be a positive ( my occupation RMN ) .. This is due to how much hormonal changes in your body ..

And how ever you became pregnant is not the issue here.. Certainly I do agree with Cerberus on we don't know the guy with take the news this is a new relationship and even long relationships can be tested when a baby comes along .. So go to the go first with either your mum or sister friend someone you trust get it noted .. Get all the pre baby care you need if your keeping the baby and if not then its time there and then to talk with the gp. Go home think over your options and then you decide what you want to do .. You..

Take care sweetie we are all rooting for you here, really ..

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (14 April 2014):

Ciar agony auntThe first thing I think you should do is confirm with a doctor, if you haven't already done so, that you are in fact pregnant. FYI, antibiotics decrease the pills effectiveness.

The second thing I would do, after receiving that confirmation, is figure out what I wanted to do. If you're planning on getting an abortion and your new boyfriend doesn't get a vote then, personally, I think telling him might be cruel. He already assumes his plumbing is working and doesn't need to be 'reassured' about it by being told you killed his child (as HE might see it).

If and when it comes time to having this discussion then I would be calm and matter of fact about it. Any man who has sex should have a working knowledge of how babies are made and that no form of contraception is absolutely fool proof. And remember, you at least took the pill. He took no precautions whatsoever.

If I were a man and didn't want to be trapped into a life long commitment in which I had little to no say, I certainly wouldn't put my future in the hands of a woman I'd just met by assuming that A) she really was on the pill and B) she was knowledgeable and reliable enough to use it responsibly.

If you are pregnant, this is not something you did to him, but something you both did together.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014):

I think a lot of people are being quite judgmental about how you became pregnant. That is irrelevant really. These things do happen and forgotting the pill on one single occasion can allow you to become pregnant, it doesn't mean you're irresponsible. Everyone makes these mistakes and it's very easy to do.

I would suggest, like a few others on the post, that you think about what you want to do first. Think about whether his reaction will make a difference to what you would like as well. Think about whether you being together is essential to you wanting to keep the baby.

When you tell him, I would advise not doing it somewhere public. Also, you shuld bear in mind that he may want some space immediately afterwards, or you may be upset and need some time to think about his reaction so it's probably best to make sure you have a way to get to leave when you need to (e.g. drive to where you're meeting on your own).

I'd also probably make him aware that you want to talk to him about something in specific first, but not make it too serious so that he is worrying about it or so that you feel pressured and tell him by text/phone/etc before you meet up.

It's probably worth telling him the facts first of all - I'm pregnant, I'm 4 weeks gone - and then telling him how you feel first of all. I'd say not too much detail, just 'I'm going to keep my baby' or 'I'm going to have an abortion'.

After you've told him what you're going to do, I'd then ask how he's feeling and whether he knows what he'd like to do. Bear in mind that you've had time to think about all of this, so he might not know straight away and need some time himself.

Let us know how it goes :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014):

To peanut butter I know I am 4 weeks pregnant as I have taken a digital pregnancy test and also had it confirmed I have not been irresponsible were both tested for STDs which both came back clear!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014):

Have you had it confirmed by a doctor? False positives are quite common.

OP personally I think you should decide what you want to do in terms of keeping it etc. if you can before you tell him. I'd talk to a family member or best friend for advice on that.

If I were in his position I'd like to know what you're going to do when you tell me.

I'm very much a believer in the final say being the woman's seeing as it's her body, so I would be very unhelpful if asked such a thing. I'd happily be a father, or I would have used a condom to ensure it didn't happen, and I'd also be fine with an abortion.

Give it a week, talk to family and friends, try and decide what you're going to do and ask them for advice on how to approach it.

Make sure you talk to your family and friends first though, OP, if he has a bad reaction to this you'll need their support. Just make sure he doesn't find out off anyone else and then just tell him straight up what's going on. Don't worry if you haven't decided what you're going to do, but do not let him convince you not to keep it if that's what you really want.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (14 April 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt Not really, anon female. The whole concept of the pill is about, so to speak, putting your hypophisis to sleep. By introducing hormones in your body who trick your hypophisis to think that you are already pregnant- by mimicking a pregnancy, i.e. . So, the hypophisis says " Oh ok, I don't need to give the signal for ovulation, then- I can take a nap " , and it keeps napping as long as gets her dose every 24-30 hours. But, before falling asleep from awake, it may take it 7-9 days in average, maybe more... so the beginning of the very first cycle of pill taking,- or any other time that the hypophisis is being awakened , like when you skip your daily dose, - you don't have the guarantee of being protected and need to use also a barrier contracception ( condom ).

I admit that this does not sound the case of our OP though, the timing would say , actually, that she got away with it all during the first month ( the risky one ), but then got pregnant in the second, maybe due to some other causes of malabsorption ( vomit, dhiarrea, other drugs, who knows ). Yet, the concept stands, at the beginning is much safer, if not a must, to also use condoms.

Plus, 1 % failure rate refers to " optimal " use, like in a lab during standard controlled clinical tests, while with typical use ( i.e. normally, IRL ) 8 ( eight ) women out of 100% will get pregnant during their first year on the pill. Even without forgetting to take it, just because s** t happens annd there are several things that may cause malabsorption .

But, that's not really the point, the point is that even just a 1% of failure , so 1 baby every 100 women, ... is 100% TOO MUCH baby and too much failure if you absolutely can't / won't deal with a pregnancy. So, better safe than sorry...

In the OP's case, then, it seems self evident that it would have payed being more responsible and more prudent for a little while.... say, until she had had the time, and confidence, and trust necessary to talk with the bf about this stuff; to say, Hey , what do you think it would happen IF I had an accidental pregnancy ? How do you think we should handle it, and, most of all, would that be a " we " thing, or would it be a " I, all alone up the creek without a paddle ? "..

I don't think it would have killed her using condoms until she had clearer ideas about this rather vital matter... her, or any other girls . Being tested only tells you that you don't risk an STD, not that you are not going to possibly mess up your life big time in case of a misshap ....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014):

Woah, I'd like to disagree with the other aunts who say you've been irresponsible.

The pill works 99% of the time if taken correctly. If you took it correctly, then unfortunately, you're the 1%, no need to beat yourself up.

If you'd both been tested, you acted reasonably by not using condoms.

Now, first things first, go to the doctor's to confirm and to have a checkup, you shouldnt continue taking the pill when you are pregnant. So see your doctor ASAP.

Before you speak to your boyfriend; think about what you want and what you are going to do...

DO NOT assume that he will stick around to raise this baby with you. He might or he might not, so when you make your choices, assume you are a single mother. You are a single mother who is dating the father of her pregnancy. You do not know each other well enough at this stage to consider yourselves a serious couple compatible in the long term.

When you've reflected on your emotional, financial, and practical ability to be a single mother then you can have a discussion with him about whether you're keeping the baby or not... If you are having the baby, his being a father is separate from him being your boyfriend. Ask him what sort of role he sees himself playing etc and how you want to proceed in this relationship.

Good luck

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A female reader, PeanutButter United States +, writes (14 April 2014):

PeanutButter agony auntI am a little miffed at how you know you are 4 weeks pregnant but I am assuming you had a period then this go around you didn't, tested and found out you were pregnant? If this is so, then you may not be 4 weeks along, it could be less, or there could be another explaination for a missed period if you haven't tested yet.

If I were you, before you stress yourself out too much, I would make an appointment with a clinic and get tested and an ultrasound to see where you stand and what your dates are before breaking the news to your boyfriend.

I actually know 2 people who took the pill and became pregnant and so it does happen and if you weren't using a condom then it is not all your responsibility, it is on him, too and so you shouldn't carry the weight of the situation solely on your shoulders.

I would get all of your ducks in a row, so to speak, and get your dates and seek out some advice on your options if you are open to anything other than having this baby (it is fine if you are and fine if you are not, we are all entitled to our own opinions) and then sit down the boyfriend and tell it like it is because life is too short and you never really know quite how someone is going to react and he may be very supportive and it might make things a lot easier.

I do wish you all the luck in the world no matter how it goes down. Sometimes these things happen for a reason!

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (14 April 2014):

Tisha-1 agony auntSorry, you've been with your boyfriend for 9 weeks and haven't been using condoms as well as the pill? Oh dear.

Okay, you say to him, "Jake, this isn't easy and I'm finding this very hard to deal with so I'll just say it. The birth control has failed and I am pregnant."

If he's willing to have sex without a barrier as well as hormonal method then he's just going to have to deal with it.

How did you find out you were 4 weeks pregnant?

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (13 April 2014):

chigirl agony auntHave you been to your doctor and gotten it confirmed? It is highly unusual to get pregnant when on the pill, and more so after just 5 weeks of dating.

Did you miss a pill or two, is that how you know you are 4 weeks pregnant? Or how do you know this?

I would suggest you get it confirmed by your doctor to make absolutely sure. It'd be really messy to announce a pregnancy if you're not actually pregnant. It will also be messy if it turns out you are further along than 4 weeks, and maybe it is someone else's.. So just be absolutely sure first, before you announce anything to anyone.

And how to tell him, eventually? There aren't more ways than one.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2014):

Firstly, you should go to the clinic and ask why it is this has happened. Clearly you were taking prevention methods, so something went wrong.

Secondly, telling your boyfriend won't be easy. I'm not going to sugar coat it for you. You both haven't been together long, it's still the honeymoon period, so this will either be really good news for him or really bad. Sorry. But if you didn't expect, he sure didn't either. So, I reckon you just meet up with him somewhere, at your house or his maybe, and tell him. Explain that the pill should have protected you and you don't know why it hasn't worked. That you have been taking it regularly, and just break it down, tell him everything. His reaction might upset you or not depending on what it is, but you will have to prepare yourself for the worst and best.

I hope everything works out for you

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