A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I tried to make this short… I’m sorry! I’ve signed a two-year lease with Frank while I finish my degree. We found each other on the schools roommate search and instantly hit it off. We had been talking/emailing every day for the month before we moved in, and ended up realizing a week into living together that we liked each other more than just as roommates. We’re both older (27 and 30) and we’ve been through a few long-term relationships so this isn’t some teenage puppy dog love. We talk honestly and openly, we do everything together and we recognize how right we are for each other. It’s really great, and we fit really well together. Here’s the problem, the first week we were living together, and we were talking about exes: my last relationship ended a couple months before his. His ex and him have known each other 3 1/2 years and were on/off, but always friends and ended things about 4 months ago. I told him that I didn’t want to start anything with him until he was really sure about him and his ex being split for good this time. He says he doesn’t have romantic feelings for her anymore, and he knows they’ll never work out. He thought she was perfect for so long, and he realizes that perfect and perfect for him are different. He’ll talk about all these great qualities I posses and how that’s one of the reasons he’s realized it wouldn’t ever work with him and his ex, they just weren’t right for each other. Things were going well and we started actually dating. He told her we were dating (they’d been talking everyday) and she realized she was still in love so she said she couldn’t be friends for a little bit while he ‘falls in love with someone else’. They both decided (their decision, not mine) that it was best if they took a break from talking, which he realized that he was really hurt by. We had started to get really coupley, and it seemed that they’re having a hard time diminishing the friendship. He told me they were still talking a few times a week (he’s 100% open and honest about it with me). I don’t care if he talks to her once in a while, but I wonder if he knows what he wants because I see how hard it is for him to stop talking to her, so I’m questioning if it’s actually the best thing for him or if he’s ready for something new. I told him we needed some space and broke things off, even though I don’t feel like it’s a rebound situation, I think he needs more time. I’ve been hurt in the past by guys who are still hung up on their exes and I don’t want to be compared to her. He thinks so highly of her and I’m sure he’s confused and hurt that they can’t be friends anymore. But, Frank and I decided that it would be best for them to resolve things before I come into the picture. Now, we still hang out all the time (we are stuck together for a few years after all), but I’m conflicted. I feel that even though he’s doing everything right to give our relationship a good start; (he talks about the ‘potential of us’ and how he wants to be in the right place for ‘us’, deleting his eharmony account, planning romantic outings with me) he really cared about his ex and needs time. Sometimes, it just doesn’t seem like either of them wants to do what’s best for the end of their relationship (really getting over each other). I agree that it takes time to be able to be friends with an ex, I just recently have been able to talk to mine occasionally. Am I doing the right thing waiting around (not dating anyone else), or is this a bad situation? I really like him, but while we’re having a great time, we both feel like I deserve someone who’s ready to love me and only me and see me for how great I am, not for how I am in comparison. How long should I wait if I think he’s worth it… not that I have many other prospects lined up, but I don’t want to seem pathetic? Plus, how bad of an idea is it to fall in love with your roommate? Ugh...
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (4 October 2010):
 By that logic, it is a terrible idea to fall in love with anyone! There will always be that risk that you have to take. What difference does it make that he is your roommate but, that is beside the point.
Are you sure he is comparing you? It is possible that he loves you in a different way than he used to love her and now, he still has some feelings for her. It may or may not be love but I doubt he is with you solely in comparison to her.
He needs to really think about it. It will be hard to let go of past feelings and I am quite sure that he needs some time to think. By himself if necessary. He needs some time to take everything into consideration. So you may give him some time if you feel it is right, a month or so at least to really give him a chance to figure himself out.
I hope that helps.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): I wouldn't put up with this.
Either his relationship with her is over or it's not. It's fine to be on occasional speaking terms with an ex if you run into them, but it's no good at all if you are still in regular contact with them.
Meanwhile, you are waiting around and to my mind, being made a fool of.
I think he's enjoying the attentions of you both. You don't want to end up like Lady Diana with 3 of you in one relationship. Ask him to sort it out and then see how things are. Mind you, I'd say all this has probably stamped out the flames of spontaneous passion by now?
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