A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A few questions....Are there any lucky women here whose partner does not watch/use porn? Did you have to tell them to stop? Did they lose interest naturally, how long did it take? Why is it so vital to men that they get to masturbate over other women? What do they get from it? Why is it a big deal to them? Why do they carry on even though they have a woman they love who supposedly is more attractive to them crying her eyes out and moaning all the time?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2012): The girl below that was the reaction I wanted to get from my boyfriend but I wasn't that lucky.
A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (26 March 2012):
 My boyfriend doesn't watch porn. Since we got together, he says other women just don't do it for him anymore. I guess I got lucky!
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (26 March 2012):
 "It isn't porn that is the problem, it's the want for it and the fantasizing i don't like, it wouldnt bother me if they thought of someone else without looking at porn."
Hi, if this is you OP, then your update is unclear... I'm trying to get you to think about what you find disturbing.
You don't mind the porn?
You mind him fantasizing
But then again you don't
Is porn having an affect on his love for you? Is it making your sex life less frequent? Is he indicating that he finds you ugly because of porn? Or is the thought of him looking at naked women a problem?
You need to be able to put your finger on what is particularly disturbing so you can explain to him why you think it's harmful. If he gives up pornography, what will you do with his increased sex drive. For many men masturbation without porn is hard, so he might become even more "greedy" about sex and you two need a plan to deal with that.
If your jealous of them porn women, then just say that... maybe that might make him listen and take your emotional feelings seriously.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2012): I have been in relationships with men who used porn regularly before we dated and ALL of them either slowed it down or stopped entirely without a word from me. My current partner watched porn when he was single but hardly ever watches porn now. This is his choice; I have no problem with it if he does. I have watched it with him when he does. I did not "have to ask him to stop" or anything of the kind, but he also knows that I am sexually available to him pretty much whenever he wants, and that I want quite a bit of sex myself. I think most men prefer real live sex with a real live woman to one-sided pleasure watching actors on a screen any day of the week, but this is assuming that sex is an option on the table and in many relationships that is not always the case.You don't tell us much about YOUR relationship, OP. If your partner is turning down sex with you to jerk off to a computer screen, then yes, there's something awry and you need to address it with him. But if he asks you for sex and gets a fair amount of "not tonight, honey," then I question your right to complain about how he relieves himself. So many women take porn as a personal affront, when 99 times out of 100 it's not the man looking for women he finds more attractive than you but rather a man watching the actions and being aroused.Lest you think I must be very attractive and/or self-confident to feel this way, let me describe myself. I have plain brown hair, ordinary features, thick hips and thighs, more stomach than I'd like, and breasts that are not even A cups - basically, nothing like what my partners have seen in porn, and I'm well aware of this. That said, I'm positive that none of my partners past or current would cheat on me with a porn star, even if one was standing in the room with us ready to take her clothes off!Resist the urge to panic about your partner potentially comparing you to these women, but especially resist the urge to "moan and cry" about it, because there are few things less attractive to a man than insecure, clingy, controlling women.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2012): It isn't porn that is the problem, it's the want for it and the fantasizing i don't like, it wouldnt bother me if they thought of someone else without looking at porn.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (25 March 2012):
Yes person123, I stole your term, because I thought it might describe this lady perfectly and help her to put into words what she wants from a relationship and why porn is not suitable for her. No offence meant, it's just a great description for a certain type of thinking that people may have.
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (25 March 2012):
 I'm the one who used the term "hyper-monogamist," in reference to my bf, not the OP.
But for reference, my bf does see a problem in thinking of other people while fantasizing because, I quote, "it means you find other people sexually attractive." He says he of course finds people hot or cute, but he doesn't think it's "appropriate" to think about them later. He also doesn't masturbate at all unless we're apart longer than 3-4 days because he likes there to be some tension. This has nothing to do with me asking him for anything, this is all from him.
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female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (25 March 2012):
 My husband doesn't like porn and cares nothing for it even though I wouldn't mind if he did. I wouldn't worry about someone liking porn, but be careful how you act about it because you can't help how they feel. If you really need to get a move on with porn and do not want it in your relationship then you really need to speak to him and be open about how you fee, best of luck!
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female
reader, 1sunshine +, writes (25 March 2012):
 My boyfriend watches porn. I am not particularly happy about it but it is his way of "easy release." I would never watch it with him because I would be upset and very uncomfortable about it. I have no right in asking him to stop. I look at it this way. We have a killer sex life and I must say... He knows what he is doing!! LOL I think he just might have learned a trick or two watching those dirty little flicks!! So.. In my book? What I don't "see" won't hurt me. ;) ;)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2012): yes, most of my exes didn't use porn at all, they didn’t mind talking about it but they didn’t really like using it. only one guy i dated used porn on the regular bases, it was terrible, i didn’t think it was gone be so awful to be with someone that had a whole external hard drive loaded with porn, of course when i started to date him i didn’t know this! i found out later on, never did feel bothered by porn in relationships until of course it was in mine, as soon as i started to date him he gave up using it on the regular bases.
but still some of the stuff i saw!... he suggested we watched it together, i wish i never had!.
whenever we talked about coming up with a surprising new idea, he will watch porn for indications. he was learning from it and so it started to become a problem, now i am looking for someone who will understand my dislike for it, and relating to past experience it should be fairly easy, but who knows.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (25 March 2012):
opps, missed the other follow up...
Your a "hyper-monogamist" then... you don't want your boyfriend to have any sexual attraction for anyone but you. Is he allowed to masturbate without porn, or does that bother you too?
Instead of focusing on the porn, have you offered him sex anytime, anyhow and any where he needs it. There are some men who would give up porn for a woman available for sex 24 hours a day. You say he's just "greedy"... so do you think he should put limits on his sexual drive and want sexual relief less?
These are the questions you need to ask yourself, you need to know why you hate porn so you can explain it to him in a way he understands.. I hate porn, so you should not use it, isn't really any type of discussion or reason. I think your greedy and I should be enough also won't work. He sees porn as harmless, and it is for him, it doesn't cause him problems.. You find porn harmful even though you don't use it, your the one who has a problem with porn. You need to find the words to discuss what you mean. Sometimes guys do give up after after talking and understanding why their women are upset and bothered.
In the end, maybe this guy aint right for you. You can't stand the porn, you sound resentful, your young, why not dump this one and find someone else. The reason why women end up with men who like porn, is because there are very few men who don't, but they do exist. Many men don't use porn when they are in relationships, or they are very good at hiding it so you never suspect a thing.
Crying and moaning all the time does nothing at all, it just makes you look emotional, insecure, and manipulative, it's also highly unattractive... find a different way to deal with your problems. Try talking to him about what you think a good relationship looks like, and ask him what he thinks relationships and love are about. Try to understand him, communicate well and get him to understand you, hopefully together you'll be able to work out something that may suit you both.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2012): My BF no longer watches porn. I had to ask him to stop and that's only after I found it on the computer and confronted him with it.
I know he has stopped because I have a way to check deleted history and I haven't found anything at all in over 2 years.
You have EVERY RIGHT to expect that he will not continue to do something that he knows hurts you. PERIOD. Don't let anyone tell you that you're wrong to ask him to stop and to make sure he does.
Good luck.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 March 2012):
Thanks for the follow up, but it still doesn't answer my question.
" A lot of women see it as cheating." Yes they do, a lot of women think lots of things... but we aint talking about other women... we is talking about you.
Do you see it as cheating? Do you think it harms you in some way? Has it changed his feelings for you. Has it harmed your sex life. Does he have less time for you?
I'm noticing you don't have much to say about problems with your relationship.. you just keep asking what other people do, and telling us how other people feel.
I'm asking about you and your relationship.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 March 2012):
 My honest advice, poster: This is your real problem:
Why do they carry on even though they have a woman they love who supposedly is more attractive to them crying her eyes out and moaning all the time?
Your problem is not pornography, but the fact that the man you're with masturbates to porn even though he has you.
This must feel awful indeed! I can understand that very much! Why does he prefer masturbating to a magazine/video/whatever? That is a very good question. Unfortunately, I don't know the answer. It is real, real bad indeed.
I think you will not get advice about your real problem if you approach it as something "men" have regarding "porn". This particular man does something that (I hope) many of us wouldn't do. That hurts a lot. There is a reason, and that is not anything collectively wrong with men as a group.
I don't know the circumstances, but if you had no kids, no obligations, whatever, I would recommend that you leave the man. If he prefers the magazine/screen, he can keep that. Hoping that eventually he will not be this bad is useless.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2012): It hurts when i read of women who aren't bothered whose partners don't use it anyway. Person12345 im just like your boyfriend! It seems the ones who are bothered the most end up with the ones that do it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2012): One thing i hated was he thought masturbating to porn was harmless fun! How is it harmless? A lot of women see it as cheating.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (24 March 2012):
My partner doesn't watch, he didn't watch when we started dating. He's kind of a hyper-monogamist, which works fine for me. He's the one who brought up the topic and suggested neither of us use it. I find it extremely offensive when people suggest that I or other women only dislike porn in their relationships because I am insecure with my relationship or my appearance, because I am not.I really can't directly answer the other questions (some I have already discussed on your other questions), they deal with a lot of very complex issues. I recommend this series:http://rageagainstthemanchine.com/2008/04/12/why-porn-isnt-cool-part-1/The links to the other posts in the series can be found on the right hand bar.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 March 2012):
I'm curious.. what is it about porn that bothers you?...
You say.. "men use it because they are spoilt and ungrateful and always want more"... is this a reason to ban something, just because you want to decide for them what is enough? Right now it sounds like you hate men more than you hate porn.
Let's say it's a chocolate habit.... do you have the right to say... "children eat chocolate after I cooked them a lovely dinner, because they are spoilt and ungrateful and always want more" - that statement sounds kinda mean.
There is nothing to say why porn upsets you so much. You only say you think you have the right to deprive someone of something for no reason at all.
I understand why many women aren't bothered by it or actually use it themselves, and I understand why many women hate it and find it disturbing and offensive... what I don't understand is what particular problem you have with porn, or your boyfriend using it. Or is it a problem with your boyfriend, rather than a problem with porn?
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female
reader, katiekate +, writes (24 March 2012):
 I think that if men (single or in relationships) watch porn occasionally and they don't have any sort of addiction to it, it's no big deal. Men are very visual and watch it for a variety of different reasons. Some guys watch it while masturbating, some guys do it to "escape" into a sort of sexual fantasy world, some guys watch it out of pure habit, others watch it merely to kill some time or they're bored. In my opinion, finding a man who never watches porn would be a fruitless effort, and making a big deal about it sends the message that you're insecure or controlling.
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female
reader, Blonde68 +, writes (24 March 2012):
Have you ever asked yourself the same question.... why are you bothered by it?
Personally it doesn't bother me, simply because I am happy with who I am and at no point have I ever felt threatened by the beautiful women in the porn films. Not once have I thought OMG he fancies her more than me... men are simple visual creatures really and most of them have an extremely high sex drive which is why they sometimes want more, a lot more than the majority of women do. Its just their way of relieving ones self and really nothing more. If you asked a guy to describe the woman that they had just been watching on porn, I bet you most would get majority of it wrong and reply, mmm think her hair was blonde, or was in brunette etc etc because they are more focused on just sorting themselves out and not on the woman.
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male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (24 March 2012):
 For the record, I don't think habitual porn watching and long-term, monogamous relationships are fully compatible in most cases. The fact that DC even needs a "Pornography" section is testament to that. But this is largely due to people going overboard and developing unhealthy fixations and addictions. It's not entirely their fault. There is too much porn in the world, too much of the wrong kinds, and over-dependence on it. You know the saying "All things in moderation"? If everyone simply practiced that, most of these problems would never come up.
If porn does nothing for you personally, then you will never fully understand its appeal. It speaks to some deep, primal drives. For men seeking release, it is very "reliable". So asking him to give it up completely is as big a deal as asking a woman to give up her favourite toy, the one that always works for her, or her racy novels. It can be done, since no one technically *needs* these things, but it is not easy.
It causes a high like a drug. That should be clear from looking at this:
http://jezebel.com/robbie-cooper-immersion-porn/
Beyond that, people all have their own reasons for watching because people are all different. For some it is about unmet emotional needs. Many use porn to fill holes in their lives just as others use alcohol, shopping, overeating, or gambling for this purpose. It can be a great escape from reality, a way of relieving stress. It is voyeuristic and satisfies curiosity in a world where people's bodies and sexuality are kept hidden.
This is from the author of The Feminine Woman, a popular advice blog with what some would consider a very traditional bent. But even she says women ought to be a little bit flexible in this area:
"...if you are not having sex with your husband for a period
of time, perhaps him watching a bit of porn every now and then is fine. He is not doing it because he loves the women in the videos. It's just a safe place to go to experience his desires. A safe and easy place for him to get sexual release that he (and every man on this planet) has. Please do know that for a lot of men, even just ONE day without an ejaculation is difficult in itself. I don't say that to
upset you, and it's not something you need to fear. It's something you need to understand. It's a purely primal need. It has nothing to do with love, or his love for you.
But men, like you and me, also have intense need for love
and spiritual fulfilment. Otherwise no man would ever
pursue a relationship of any sort with any woman. If men didn't have their need for sex, I wouldn't be here,
writing this to you, and you wouldn't be reading it.
"So - he's not doing it to hurt you. And he's not even doing
it because he thinks those women are hotter than you. The only worry is porn being an ADDICTION. Addiction to
porn does terrible things to a relationship. If he's just doing it as a quick way to get himself off, I believe you need to give him that. Just as he is giving you things that are difficult for him. Like the freedom to know he is not going to push you for sex ... I know a lot of women have concerns about this same topic, so if you have a friend who needs to hear this information, please send this email to her, or forward it to her."
I don't think guys should take that as license to go wild on porn. If she's saying women must try and see things from the man's perspective, it goes both ways. Men should put themselves in her place and really imagine how it feels to find those porn links or a massive hidden stash all of a sudden. Certainly if a guy has any problem with his girlfriend or wife habitually getting off to porn, then it's hypocritical for him to think she should be fine with him doing that.
OP, simply having a partner who doesn't like porn is not the be-all and end-all of a good relationship. The real question is do you have love? If you do, it will take more than some porn to break you up. If not, it will take a lot less. If there is genuine love between you, then you will always try to understand and accept his natural needs, just as he will always do his best to respect and abide by your beliefs and feelings on this. And one last thing: to anyone who values their freedom, easygoing and flexible partners are just more attractive than ones who are uptight and controlling. Imagine a man who would absolutely forbid his woman from having toys, reading suggestive novels, or viewing any porn. Does that sound attractive to you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have left a few questions, i'm the one doesn't understand why women aren't bothered by it and thinks men use it because they are spoilt and ungrateful and always want more.
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female
reader, Blonde68 +, writes (24 March 2012):
There appears to be lots of similar questions being asked of late relating to porn - I am unsure as to whether they are purely from you, but my gut feeling is that it is you. Apologies if I am wrong and I am by no means having a go about it as we are all here to advise the best we can!
If it is you however, I sense that you have a problem that I assume you are trying to address and deal with about men watching porn. Correct?? In which case it may be worth asking for advice on why you feel this way, and how to overcome it.
Here are a couple of recent posts that have been answered, which may be of use to you.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/dumping-a-guy-over-pornography-use36.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/do-men-stop-using-porn-when-they-have5y6.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-women-watch-porn-with-their-partners56.html
Finally, I personally think Porn is overated but won't lie, I have watched in on many occasions in the past with a partner. However, in my opinion some men do not watch it that much, if at all, when in a healthy sexual relationship and besides, its all fake girls, fake orgasms and lots of fake tans - men are hands and much prefer the real deal!
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (24 March 2012):
 My current partner does not watch porn. He thinks that is disrespectful to women. I on the other hand watch porn occasionally. He is a country boy and was raised in a Christian family with manners he says. He believes sex is love making, not animal and aggressive. I don't feel necessarily lucky that he is that way. I believe there are men who have no interest in porn and they exist but they don't go around the world advertising this fact.
Men watch porn because it is fast, it is a click away. It is only human to have a curiosity about how others do it. Again I believe people are masturbating to the sex action, not particularly on one actor. Porn is a sexual stimulus, direct to the brain. I don't think people spend a lot of time thinking what goes on in the brain when they watch porn. It is never a big deal. It only is when you have a problem with it. To the last question variety is the spice of life. Just like one aunt says that roast beef is good but you won't eat it every single day. A lot of the times for men, masturbating to porn is not looking out for a more attractive woman, it is about jerking off quickly and doing a maintenance check on his tool.
If you seriously cannot get over that men watch porn, you can look for men who don't watch porn. It is better to do this than to put up with it, ask him questions, overanalyze and try to get him to stop. I do think it is a problem when it is addictive and when he ignores your sensitive feelings. At the same time I believe that a man who truly loves you can stop if you ask him to.
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