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PMS wife, Tired of being married to a shewolf!

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 April 2013) 12 Answers - (Newest, 12 April 2013)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I've been married for five and a half years, and as far as I can remember my wife has had some pretty vicious PMS. Growing up my mom never did so maybe that's why I never figured out how to deal with it as a man.

Previous relationships weren't a problem because it was easy to escape for a couple of days if they started getting upset. Obviously I can't do that as easily now (especially with two young children).

Symptoms include "I'm always wrong", "I never clean", "I'm a jerk", "I should have never married you" and many more.

It wouldn't be such a big deal if she didn't seem to intentionally get under my skin. I usually keep my head low but it's inevitable that she'll say something that's totally ridiculous and I just can't help but start yelling which makes things worse (and I'm an easy going guy).

She's completely aware that she gets PMS but she seems to always justify it. I've tried to tell her to recognize the symptoms and to keep that in her mind when she starts getting upset but it doesn't help.

Long story short- is there any way to deal with this? I'm tired of being married to a damn shewolf.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (12 April 2013):

So_Very_Confused agony aunt27 out of 30 days? so for three days she's horrid..

yeah it can be frustrating but I know my "cranky" was more like 10 days including the weight gain and soreness... cranky maybe 5-8 days.

one thing I know is I was told to avoid all sugar and up my vitamin E....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks again everyone. I may have made it sound as if this is affecting our relationship but it's only preventing it from being as good as it can be.

As hard as it is to not blame someone for the way they're acting, I don't; first and foremost because it doesn't do either one of us any good.

Also I'd like to add that her PMS isn't INSANE or anything. It's just extremely annoying and frustrating that someone can be so irrational. I've learned to see it coming and to prepare for it.

I work from home and take care of my children full time while she is doing an intensive 2yr. technical program. Our relationship is good for the most part although life isn't perfect because she has so much school work she doesn't feel like doing much when she gets home, but yet she seems to think that I have enough time while working and entertaining our children.

These issues are easy enough to deal with until her period. Then all of a sudden she thinks she's fat (110 lbs), the house is messy, etc. I think I'll have her talk with a Dr. about which birth control pills would help and look into some natural PMS remedies before trying anything else.

I know this is anonymous, but I feel the need to state that I love my wife very much and am happily married 27 days per month.

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A male reader, DayByDay United States +, writes (12 April 2013):

DayByDay agony auntGoogle "Borderline Personality Traits ," I was married to a woman with the personality disorder. May not be PMS. My advice....if she has Borderline Personality Disorder, GET AWAY FROM HER AS FAST AS YOU CAN. It is rare that they are cured of it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013):

You aren't married to a shewolf.

And believe me, she does not want this any more than you do.

It sucks. Really sucks.

I never had any symptoms of anything when I was younger. My period could come and go and my emotions or behavior didn't waver during my cycle. But, some time years after I had my kids, everything changed..............

Cramping, bloating, face acne breakouts, severe irritability and getting really annoyed or set off with dumb things that wouldn't even ruffle a feather any other time, no interest in sex, but still wanting to have sex, and I have a very high sex drive, feeling insecure about my body and ready to give up on all my lifestyle efforts to eat healthy, regular exercise, feeling especially tired and exhausted, etc.

Every. Single. Month.

Then I get my period, deal with a day or two of heavy bleeding and misery, and just like that, it's all gone and I am back to my old self and feel great about everything. Then you look back each and every time and ask yourself why you did and said and felt all those things because you don't feel any of them anymore. Rinse and repeat, over and over and over again.

You think you've had enough? Just imagine how it makes you feel, and magify that by about 10. That's what she's feeling.

I can logically and consciously acknowledge it, but during that time I cannot seem to control it or stop it completely. I try but when I bottle it, it only makes me worse and I lash out even more.

For starters you can not take it personally and keep a quiet calendar so you know when it's coming so you can be prepared and not caught off guard on what's going on.

Second, you can start doing some reading about this and get yourself educated on what you are dealing with.

Third, talk to your wife about it when she is NOT in that week of PMS. Do not sit there and point out all she is doing to you. Talk about that you've noticed she seems to be getting worse and perhaps a trip to the obgyn or like would help and to see if there isn't something else medically going on. It's out of love and concern, not an immature sounding man doesn't have a clue and just expects this to disappear.

Fourth, if she is getting really out of hand, like you are going to lose your own temper, have a code word you have both agreed on. For example, if at a particular moment, she lashes out and it's crossed a boundary, say this word to her immediately and she is to immediately retreat and understand what it means.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (12 April 2013):

So_Very_Confused agony auntIf she is aware she gets it, has she spoken to her OB/GYN about it... there are treatments.

If it's so severe and includes severe physical symptoms she may have a more severe form of PMS called PMDD

I used to suffer PMDD as a young woman (ages 14-about 30) and gradually as I aged it improved but as a young woman I was treated with medications and supplements and diet changes. My GYN was very supportive of this.

It's really NOT her fault and it's NOT in her head....

I suggest that when she is totally finished her next period and is sane and rational for those three or four days before the PMS starts building again, you ask her to see the GYN and maybe GO WITH HER to discuss the concerns you have.

It can't be pleasant for her to feel so out of control (and you really do feel out of control when you are PMSing).

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A female reader, oldbag United Kingdom +, writes (12 April 2013):

oldbag agony auntHi

Birth control doesn't help every woman with PMS - I know from experience, but it's worth a try

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (12 April 2013):

chigirl agony auntA good idea would be to speak to her doctor first, because there are many different birth control pills and you need to find the right one for her. Not all will have the same effect on her, some could even make it worse.

But when you go on birth control you don't have your period. Which is why it could be helpful. The "period" you have on birth control pills is a fake one, and can easily be skipped without any consequences. It actually serves no purpose other than pretending to still have a cycle. But when on birth control you don't necessarily have a cycle, not in the real way anyway. Some birth control pills have different hormone levels depending on the week, but some have the same hormones in all pills for the entire month, this meaning you have less changes is mood etc.

But talk about this with a doctor. Get some recommendations.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks ladies. I'm fully aware that not all women have PMS (not everyone I've dated has had it) and I do take it seriously. I've tried talking and she can be reasoned with to some extent after the fact, but it all goes away when she has PMS again.

I had no idea birth control could help. We've been talking about her getting on it, so I'm going to make it happen.

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A female reader, oldbag United Kingdom +, writes (12 April 2013):

oldbag agony auntHi

If it is PMS then she must be aware of the changes it brings, it's a monthly occurrence so it must be obvious to her.

She needs to get it under control via a professional before it drives you away and as soon as possible.

Have a calm chat with her, explain how your feeling and suggest she seeks help. Do it in a nice way,no drama.

Do a bit of reading up on the internet yourself so *you* have a full understanding of it too.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (12 April 2013):

chigirl agony auntFirst off, are you aware that PMS is quite serious? It's a diagnosis. NOT every woman has PMS.

Every woman has a menstrual cycle, but having ones period does not equal going off the rails. If your wife has PMS, then she needs to see her doctor about it.

Perhaps you aren't taking this seriously enough, and think it's just something all women have and something you need to put up with. But like you said, your mother didn't have it.

You need to get her to a doctor and talk about possible solutions. Birth control pills could be a very easy answer, that can solve this problem.

Try to write down all the things she says and does when having her outbursts, so that you can show them to her afterwards to remind her and make her realize this isn't something to just brush under the carpet.

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom +, writes (12 April 2013):

AuntyEm agony auntThere are medications and treatments available to reduce the severity of PMS. Perhaps your doctor can prescribe something that will make her feel better and level out her moods.

When she's not PMS'ing, have a frank talk with her (away from the kids), be calm, gentle and understanding, but let her know that things cannot go on this way for the sake of your marriage.

Remember her mood swings are not her fault, but she can get help to make things better.

Good luck

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013):

"Yes, dear!"

Did you not notice this when you were dating?

The way to deal with it, is you you to find the proper medical professionals to address it.

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