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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I have a problem. I know im going to get all the generic answers of your a bitch who isn't satisfied with your own life so you have to go around messing up other people's etc etc....But Im not like that. Im just a young person who has done things.I shall start at the begining.At work I have two bosses, the assistant manager and the manager. me and the assistant manager have become very close friends, we are genuinly really good friends and have been for around 9-10 months. We tell each other everything. For possibly the last 6 months there has been flirty tension between us which we have both ignored and suppressed due to the fact he is married and I am in a relationship.Now this is where it gets a bit blurry:I love my bf a hell of a lot, we have a good relationship (usual ups and downs), a fairly good sex life. But there is a difference between love and lust.I was round my managers house the other weekend, just watching tv and cooking food (his wife was away and we sometimes hang out)We were sat on his sofa, we started kissing, then as you can imagine, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex on his sofa. Afterwards we were just watching tv then he drove me home and we were talking about how it was strange that it wasnt weird between us.Anyway the next day at work we couldnt keep looking at each other and at the end of the day i ended up staying over his house, after we had sex once, he said he felt guilty and that we shouldnt do it again.so we watched some tv then went to bed, and again, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex again before going to sleep but agreed it wouldn't happen again.We have both kept to the agreement and havent done it again even though there is stil sexual tension between us. we have just gone back to being friends.Anyway. I don't know where to go from herebecause i have always thought of myself as a good person and i always said i didnt know how anyone could cheat on anyone.but the thing is when i see my boyfriend, it feels totally un connected, like something that happened in a different life, i feel that i should feel guilty but i dont.the question i have is does my lack of guilt make me a shit person?is it bad that my bf doesnt really turn me on (down there) - sorry, anymore?I mean our sex life is good but when i was with the other guy the sex was amazing and he turned me on so much.So am i a bad person?is it true once a cheater always a cheater? because i didnt think i was that kind of person.i didnt think i was capable of such things.?im only young so is this me? is this the kind of person i am?Any opinions and help would be appreciated.I realise most of them, especially from married women, are not going to be nice. But hey this is messing my head up so im prepared to listen.Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): Whatever you did, you definitely "are that kind of person" now. Whether you want to be that kind of person in the future? That's a different question.
A
female
reader, brooke5426  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 I dont think you're a bitch who's going round messing up other peoples lives. I just think you and your boyfriend are out of the exciting new phase in your relationship, where the initial sexual chemistry isnt there anymore and when you found it in someone else you got a bit carried away.
You're not a shit person because you recognise what you have done and are obviously scared of becoming a bad, hurtful person. I'm not gonna give you the "think about his wife!!" lecture because you know it already (not to mention the fact that he's your boss).
You are the only person who can determine what kind of person you are. You're allowed to make mistakes but if you decide to do this again (either with this guy or with someone else) then yep, its more than a mistake it makes you a cheater as well as a liar.
The chemistry and attraction which is still there between you and your manager is still only there because it is recent. In time that will fade.
But to answer your question, no i dont think you are a shit person. but you made a shit decision. And watch out for karma, in my experience it never ever ever fails to bite you in the ass!
take care
Brooke
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Everyone has done things they regret doing in their lives: some people spend years angsting that when they were feckless teenagers they shoplifted, while others have flirted dangerously on the edge with drink, drugs and eating disorders. You get physical and emotional regrets.
Yours is an emotional regret - you haven't done your body any harm, but your self-image is damaged because you feel bad for sleeping with your boss when you thought you "weren't that kind of person." But what is that kind of person? Somebody who is lonely? Bored? Frustrated with a relationship where the love and passion has faded, and they have ended up as best friends not lovers, just sharing a bed?
You did wrong. You slept with your boss, which is inappropriate, you cheated on your boyfriend, and you jeapardised your boss' relationship and family and maybe your own job. But the fault isn't just yours - it's his too, because he didn't stop and say no.
What you need isn't blame but introspection - why did I do it? What need was I trying to fulfil that isn't being met where I am now?
You're not a bad person - you're human. Like the rest of us.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 I think that you are feeling a bit guilty if you wrote 603 words in to us about all of this, so I wouldn't kick yourself for being a shit person. I think that you are confusing the adrenaline rush of new sex with the real deal. Try to recognize that and Don't assume that this rush will last if you were with your boss as a couple either. If you DO think that that lusty rush of adrenaline is "real love", you are in danger of becoming a sex addict by chasing after it. All sex becomes a bit more comfortable and less "urgent" with a long term relationship. It changes. It's normal. That's what happens. You did say that your sex life with your boyfriend was fine, and fine is good!
I think you are experiencing some real boundary issues. Here's what you may not be getting - even when you are in a long term relationship, your head may be turned by someone else. You are going to bump into other people who you are attracted to even when you are married (30+ years for me!). That is ALSO normal. You may have friends who tell you that "they would NEVER, EVER be attracted to someone else because they are SOOOOOOO in love love love with their boyfriend", and I am hear to tell you that they are either lying their asses off or kidding themselves. I think it's one of those romantic myths that we try to perpetuate and force on one another.
Here's the thing - Just because you have a feeling, doesn't mean that you have to act on it. Flirting is fine if you know where to draw the line. I don't know if your boss has children or not, but this is jeopardizing his marriage, at the very least, and they did make vows to each other. This is his mistake to correct with his wife and you should let him try to repair it without any interference (I would avoid his wife or be prepared to deal with her wrath, unfortunately, one of the consequences of your actions). If you don't have any control over your feelings for him, perhaps you should consider changing jobs. Here is an old saying to consider.
Thoughts become words,
Words become actions,
Actions Define Character,
Character becomes your Destiny.
You are the one in charge of your life. Take good care of yourself with the decisions that you make for yourself. A couple of bad decisions doesn't decide your future actions, YOU do. Good luck with everything! Hope this helped you out.
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A
male
reader, rproctor  +, writes (30 April 2008):
Does it make you a shit person? Hmm... I guess that depends really on more than just this once instance. It depends on a lot of things, things which only you know.
What you did is wrong though, and you know that you should not have done it. Even though you do not feel guilty does not make it ok. I bet your bf would be hurt, and the managers wife would probably be very heart broken... Both of you should get a grip over your lust, and learn that as adults you have to make adult decisions.
Your young, but you know the difference.
Leave your bf, tell the manager he needs counsellings with his wife. Nothing good will come out of you and the manager.
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