A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I need the help of the people of DearCupid here. I have been trying to explain to my sister that all guys look at porn one way or another but she wouldn't listen and thinks I am a monster for looking at images of naked women. I have been a role model and sort of father figure to my 15 y.o. younger sister as my father divorced our mom when we were young and my mom drifted in and out of depression throughout our growing years. I have supported her finally and also acted as a moral compass for me. As much as possible. She really looked up at me as a role model.Recently when I was back during the holidays I accidentally left my laptop open. Actually porn is an overstatement. I wasn't actually looking at porn but a photography blog containing fine art nude pictures. Now my sister isn't talking to me and she keeps saying that she is shocked and disappointed with me and that I have let her down. I told her that this wasn't porn as it is art, and that even if it were really porn it wasn't a big deal and ALL guys look at these type of pictures secretly. Of course she doesn't believe me. She is obviously a very sheltered and naive person. I admitted that when I get stressed or lonely because i recently broke up with my gf, I use these pictures as an emotional outlet and fantasize about being with my perfect, unattainable girl of my dreams. I didn't do anything wrong.I need people to support me here and let her know that I am not the monster she thinks I am. I am going to show her all the replies to my post. I thank all of you in advance! I really appreciate it. My holidays are ending soon and i will be flying overseas I don't have much time to patch things up with my sis.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2018): The OP was not looking at porn, just art. There is nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 May 2018):
 Because your sister grew up in a broken household, she attributes all the bad things to men leaving mothers. Anything negative like cheating, looking at women, caused mom to be lonely and depressed. So yes, you looking at women reminded her of dad and that one day too, you would cause pain to women. You did fall off the pedestal.
This is not so much of a debate of whether porn is acceptable or not but her upbringing and her relation to men, which is not so good.
If I were to say something to your sister I would say that brother loves you very much. As much as he loves you, he is still a sexual being, like you will be. One day your brother may or may not settle down with women. He may or may not get married. He may or may not make the marriage work forever. One thing is for sure. Your relationship is unique and irreplaceable. You will always be the perfect sister in his eyes. One day you may have a boyfriend and your brother will keep a close eye on you to make sure you are happy and protected. Even if relationships are not successful, life goes on. You don't have to stay depressed like your mom is. When a relationship ends, you are free to seek happiness again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2018): She believes that men who watch porn are doing something wrong . She believes what you were watching IS classed as porn Both of those statements are facts and she is within her rights to hold both those beliefs . Stop trying to manipulate her to believe what you believe.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 May 2018):
 So what OP?
If your sister thinks porn is disgusting and guys who look at it are too, then THAT is how she thinks. That "most" guys look at it won't change her mind about porn or those who look at it.
You fell of the pedestal (in her eyes). She thought her brother was different.
Just because many other men look at porn doesn't make YOUR looking at porn any better. (in her eyes) It's like saying well, I know drinking is bad but many other men drinks so you can't JUDGE me for drinking!
She doesn't have to like porn or that YOU look at porn. She doesn't have to accept that MANY men look at it. Because that doesn't make it MORE OK.
Respect that she is against it and you are not.
The likelihood that you and your sister (or any other person) is NOT going to agree on everything is 100%.
I know it doesn't sit right with you that she is judging you for watching porn, but a LARGE group of the female population AGREES with her, so does that make her argument more right or wrong in your book? According to your own arguments it should make HER point of view more "right" than wrong.
Are you a monster for watching porn? That is for you to decide.
Are you a "monster" for not accepting that SHE can have a different opinion than you? Yes. What you think isn't set in stones for her to believe. She is her own person with her own beliefs.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2018): I am the OP.I think some people are getting confused again. I am not trying to convince my sister that porn is okay to look at. I am actually trying to convince her that most guys look at porn. I am trying to convince her talk I am not that terrible a person. Now she thinks I am person who looks good on the outside but with a terrible hidden dark side. Like I am Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars.To Anonymous, yeah I think you understand my problem quite well since we are from the same country. Most people equate nudity with sex in this country, so even nude art is considered porn.You gave me a good suggestion. :-) She doesn't know much about fashion models but she watches a lot of movies so she has been exposed to nude scenes in movies. She still thinks nudity in movies is exploitative but sometimes she says the nudity helps to tell the story better. I will try this approach.Problem is getting her to talk to me now. She is avoiding me. Except during dinner time. Plus my mom is beginning to feel suspicious that something is going on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2018): I'm a woman, I'm not 15 , and I actually agree with your sister that porn is wrong . Do I think people who watch it are monsters ? NoHowever at 15 people sometimes express their views with such words . Do I think porn is damaging and that the majority is extremely degrading to women?. You bet I believe that. Do I think people have the right to watch it if they choose ? Sure they do so long as it's legal .Do people have the right to object to it and find it offensive like your sisterDoes ? Absolutely !!!!!!!!!!!You are very wrong to try and teach her that porn is ok.This is a very personal belief system and each individual is entitled to their own opinions on it . There are most certainly very very valid reasons she may object to it which clearly you do not understand norSeek to understand . She is well within her rights and boundaries to hold onto these beliefs . How about instead of trying to mildHer to your believe system you be proud of her for starting to develop her own set of values and beliefs.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2018): I'm also from the same country as you and the topic of "porn" is a huge taboo I would say. My advice considering that we're from the same country and possibly have similar this "Asian" upbringing and I'm actually quite westernised at the same time. I would advice that, you should explain everything properly but don't force her to see from your view. Since she is 15, she probably won't understand much, not as much as us anyways, talk to her and explain the fact that it was nude art and perhaps tell her like female models also pose nude at times for photoshoots and stuff.. Im sure she's aware of fashion models like that. On the topic of porn, I wouldn't dive into it too much. Keep it brief because you do not want her to like explore that area and stuff. Perhaps, just say that porn is something that some guys look at and if she already know what porn is, then you can simply state the difference between them. Nude art is a form art and a form of photography etc. whereas porn is sex and it's a false perception of what sex is. However, make sure your sister is not discussing this in school, it can become a huge problem if the teachers come to hear of it!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2018): I used to watch porn imagining that it was my imaginary man in my mind. What a fool I was! A man that uses woman and sticks his dick in everything is not a good fantasy for me and if it isn't a good thing for me, then it isn't a good thing for you.I recently realised since ive stopped doing that terrible thing that I was watching because the men I've known treated me like those girls.A shag!A piece of meat!And those women who sell themselves for sex, need an education or at least a big wake up call!Be a good role model for your teenage sister. Don't be a monster! Not being a monster is a nice thing, it teaches one to be more human and honest with oneself. We have to stop allowing fake sex invading our lives and imagining that love is made possible with sex. That's not how it works.Men and Woman are not sex objects, that is not real desire. We have to order from the right places. We are humans, not monsters. You're sister has her head screwed on alright you know. I hope she finds a decent man who doesn't watch porn to hope that he finds his hearts desire.For me it is too late. I've allowed to much evil into my being, I'm a bit of a monster and I need to exorcise it. And so I do in my own way. It is bad to watch porn and do porn. It really is my friend. The people who abuse me because I've done that to myself is unreal, yet, I'd rather have abuse here than spend an eternity in hell! You should go on YouTube and see what happens to people who've got sex all wrong through masturbation and watching filth. It really scary. Like really scary and believe me - all true.If you want to find a decent girl, you have to put those other girls to bed.To sleep. So they can wake up from this wicked dream and smell the fruit smoothie.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (20 May 2018):
 She is a 15 year old girl who has had a sheltered upbringing. She is far too young to get her head around porn and its implications.
I fail to understand why you had to "defend" yourself by bringing up porn (when you were only looking at "fine art"). You have just made an uncomfortable situation worse.
I think you should admit you handled the situation badly and tell your sister you love her dearly and only said what you said because you panicked and did not want her thinking any less of you. She does not need to know what you look at or don't look at on your laptop and, at 15, she does not need to know about porn.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2018): I am the person who posted the question.Thanks for all the responses. But I think everyone is confused and think that I look at actual porn. I mean graphic videos where people have sexual intercourse. Actually I don't watch those type of porn. I know some of my friends do. I have watched porn maybe about 2 times in the past, but every time I felt guilty because it felt exploitative, so I stopped.Actually the "porn" my sister saw me looking at was just artistic nudity. It is a non sexual portrayal of the female form. I have been following a famous model's blog for a while, in which she details her work and travels. I have been posting comments on her blog and corresponding with her, much like a pen pal. I am not sure why I do this. I think it is because I am lonely and it feels intimate to interact with her.Of course my friend posts a lot of her nude pictures online. These were the "porn" that my sister saw. This is nothing compared the hard core porn other guys look at. Of course my sister doesn't know this. She hasn't even been in a relationship with a boy.I guess it is too late. I made a stupid irreversible mistake.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (20 May 2018):
 Porn is a very controversial topic of discussion and you will get varying replies here so just understand that.
Firstly, it was a huge mistake for you to leave your laptop open so carelessly around your little sister because it seems as though she's been scarred for life. Especially since she seemed to have maintained her innocence quite well up until now... as a modern 15 year old female anyway.
Here is my opinion on the subject:
I think that porn is not that big of an issue if it is NOT an obsession and if it is used for the right reasons. If it is used to fill a void or to live out your fantasies, it can become dangerous in the following ways:
1. It will change your perspective on the opposite sex on a whole.
2. You will hold the average female to a often unattainable standard.
3. You will use porn as a substitute for actual real-life intimacy.
Either way, it isn't good when it reaches that point.
On the art front:
I am a lover of all things artsy; graphics, visual, tattoo's etc. I may not wear my art on my person, but I do appreciate others wearing theirs. I appreciate art in all it's forms. With that being said, I believe that the human body is art in and of itself and I would definitely pose nude; in the name of art but for me it isn't sexual as it is with you and that's where it's different. For me it IS PURELY art.
You cannot force your sister to see you in a different light. If this has really changed the way that she sees you then there's not much that you can do. You can try to explain to her that it hasn't changed who you are but again; it's up to her. It isn't for you to decide. As I mentioned earlier, she probably feels as though a portion of her innocence was stolen by viewing that stuff and also; people n general have a hard time with viewing family members as sexual beings because our minds just don't like to stray that far. I think that you put images in her mind that she's having a hard time shaking and that's why it's a big deal for her. Either way, it's something that needs to be discussed and sorted out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2018): [EDIT]:
"If porn was in any stretch of the imagination good; it wouldn't be X-rated, so controversial, and for adults only."
"You have no right to tell her she has to accept guys who watch porn; as if she has no choice."
Post script:
There is a legitimate argument on both sides of the topic; but argument doesn't make something good, if it causes pain and suffering of any kind. It simply falls under the category of choice; and what consequences you're willing to face for those choices.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2018): She's only 15, and porn is too much for her understanding; and more than she is able to digest, if she is totally unfamiliar with the sex-industry. She is too young to participate in such a debate.
Well, is porn good or bad? To say neither might not be accurate. If porn was in any stretch of the imagination good; it would wouldn't be X-rated, so controversial, and for adults only. It would be available for family-entertainment. If it were good, that would takeaway the sweetness and seduction of the forbidden-fruit. It is designed to titillate and promote sexual-arousal. It is a tool for masturbation. The naughtier it is, the better!
Let's argue to say, it's good entertainment to those who indulge; but it causes a lot of debate, division, and can be addictive. So that makes it like a drug, it can be harmful in many ways.
Popular-use of anything doesn't make it right nor good. Lots of people abuse the use of opioids. Otherwise; they are effective pain-killers. People drink alcohol, yet there are people poisoned by it, or become alcoholic.
Porn is exploitative, and can be demeaning to sex; depending on the subject-matter. It can also be degenerative. It isn't porn, unless it meets a certain level of depravity. Why is there a need to be peeping-Toms or voyeurs? Why is there entertainment in watching other people having sex? Does porn promote good behavior? Can you watch it in the classroom, or in church?
Depending on tastes and demand; the industry will go as low as it must to satisfy every fetish, appetite, and depraved desire unimaginable. So, your sister has a good point; but she's wrong to judge you so harshly. It's mostly shock.
Ordinary-people watch porn. It takes much more character-study; and you must delve deeper into their personality to judge them one-way, or the other. Everyone develops a "vice" or a naughty-habit. That's why it's kept secret and done in privacy. To avoid detection and the judgement of others. We don't hide good things from kids, girlfriends, boyfriends, wives, or husbands! Unless we think there is the possibility to offend them; or it could do some kind of harm or damage.
Don't try to convince your sister it is okay. It's a choice or selective form of adult-entertainment. She realizes how women are objectified in porn; because that's what adds to its appeal. To do unnatural or unusual things sexually to women for the viewership comprised mainly of men. It has a profound influence on our culture; whether we want to admit that or not. The way we think, how we interact between the sexes, and even how we perform acts of sex. It influences fashion and make-up. Thus, why do some women dress provocatively? Why do sex-workers dress a certain way?
She'll come around. Don't make it your mission to make her like or accept porn.
You're an adult, and you get to make your own choices. She is entitled to her opinion, and you should respect that. In the reality of things; she'll have to accept the fact that people like porn. There takes a lot more than looking at naked pictures or images to make people a monster. Lest of course those images are of children, or of people being brutally tortured or killed; for the sake of sexual-pleasure. Only a monster could have a taste for such sick entertainment.
You have no right to tell her she has to accept guys who watch por; as if she has no choice. That's not true. All guys aren't into it; or give it up once they have someone they fall in-love with. Not all, but not all are faithful either.
She sat you up on a pedestal. You are her hero, and the pentacle of morals and good-character. None of that has changed. She simply found a flaw, and now she's disappointed and shocked at the reality that her perfect big-brother isn't so perfect after all. He's just a human-being, just as she is. We all get knocked-down a few pegs from our conceit and self-righteousness. We are all human and capable of mistakes. Nobody's perfect, and this is a lesson she will have to learn.
Wait until she falls in-love. Her attitude towards virginity and abstinence will change. It's the cycle of life. Living, learning, and surviving. It's exactly what parents go through when their kids determine they once smoked pot (or still do), had sex in their teens, or once got arrested.
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