A
female
age
51-59,
*ee111
writes:Hi, we have been married five years. My husband and I recently moved two yrs ago to a different state to start our business and that didnt work out. He has been unemployed the whole time and became very depressed. We have basically lost all of our material objects very fast due to money problems.We used to be very successful. I have been the only one working. He did tell me he has become less of a man through all this. Okay, two months ago he received a call from a family member who said he had work for him back home where we lived. Turned out to be a lie. He told me he would go and be back in 2 weeks, he promised but took a one way flight! At first he called me all the time to reassure me. It has now been over a month, he has not sent me any money at all including bills, which he promised and hardly calls. When I ask him questions, he is cold and acts like I am insecure! Finally recently, I asked if he wanted to stay married and live together and he uncompassionatly said, yes, you are my wife. He wants me to find a place over the internet and he will go look at the places where hes at. I am so lost. He sends me mixed messages. When hes around his family, hes cold. When hes away from them he is somewhat much better. I am here alone, feel abandoned, have no friends and have a place all lined up to move back home with a roomate. Should I do it and do it fast before its too late for our marriage? Just move and let him figure out I am there and if he wants to see me, he will? Please help!
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depressed, insecure, mixed messages, money, the internet Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010): looks like you have already make up your mind.. just do what you is best.. it is like what kimora said 'husband comes and go, but children stays forever' or something like that.. be close to your son is the most important thing.. believe it i know..
good luck..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010): Hi, and the answer to your question is, he is back home with his family and I am stuck here in this state with noone. I recently became unemployed and am on unemployment. Although it is income coming in, he somehow felt even worse. Now neither of us have jobs, so he lied to get me to believe he had a job back home. I trusted him and took him to the airport thinking he would be back in 2 weeks. Now he hardly calls and for 2 days didnt even take my calls. My situation is this, I have my son back home who wants me back there to start over. I found a roomate situation where I have been approved. I have nothing keeping me here. Should I just go and do it? Maybe he will feel better when I am there and it will open back up the doors to our marriage, we could atleast be face to face because the phone isnt working. I would be doing it for myself and to prove to myself that I can do this.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (17 April 2010):
Okay hold on. Back up. I have a few questions. You said you are the only one working. Are you working in a place where you live now? The place where you have no friends or family or support system? Forget about your husband for just one minute and think about taking care of yourself. Is "moving back home"a place where you have friends and family and support? Is there a job for you there? Or would you move home, be unemployed and looking for work and counting on your husband to come through?
I can't really tell what's going on with your husband. Being a "breadwinner" is very important to men. Losing a job and not being able to find one most definitely impacts their self esteem. so when he said he feels like less of a man he means it. And In a man's mind, he needs the self esteem of a job before he can engage in a relationship. That's why a lot of men wait until they establish themselves to marry. I think until your husband can find a good job that makes him feel whole and good about himself and get him out of his depression, you can't really count on him to give a whole lot into the marriage. His saying "of course you are my wife" sounds more like he feels responsible for you. that's not a bad thing, unless he can't meet that responsibility in which case it will bring him down.
I think your husband's mindset is fragile and unstable and I don't know that you can count on it right now. I think you need to take care of you first - ideally live where you have friends, family, support and a good job to pay the rent and put food on the table. Your husband is the one who abandoned you to go sort himself out, so when he does he can be the one to come back to you. I don't think chasing him will make matters any better. If you do move home it should be for you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 April 2010):
You now have a choice, and you need to think very carefully. He has said that he loves you and wants you with him. So, either you go to him and trust him, or you don't and your marriage will more or less crumble. I'd suggest you go to him. That way if it still crumbles, you can leave. But if you don't go to him, you'll lose him and there will be now going back.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 April 2010):
 I am sorry about your predicaments. Will moving back there changes anything?
You are now on your own and your husband maybe depending on others for their goodwill to survive.
Your place should be beside your husband and if you think of saving your marriage, you would need to go back to him and tough it out.
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