A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please help.I have been seeing my boyfriend for five years. It has always been a bit rocky, but recently things have been great and I finally thought we were going to buy a house together. We haven't lived together all this time as I have a son and I moved across the country for him, but where he lived the schools were bad too. I rented a place seven miles away. Anyway I finally thought we were going to sort it all out until three Saturdays ago.Basically he had been away all week, he hadn't seen me as he doesn't stay at my place. I have to come to his place. It was Saturday night and he was going out and I suggested we come out as a couple as I wanted to spend some time with him.He then said that he didn't want me out as it was a lads nite and I'd be bored. I thought something was up and I found a message on his phone from his friend saying these two girls were out.I know there was nothing in this but it upset me the fact he hadn't told me that they were going. They just like the attention.It didn't help that last time he said was staying in, I found pics of these girls on his decks in his house on myspace. They had all went out and they had come back to his house for a party till 6am. I was furious but forgave him.We had a huge row and he said ok come out but then his face was like thunder. Long story but then he exploded, threw his laptop on the floor, and said in front of my son that "his dad didn't want him", because he had not come to babysit him for the weekend. He said I was taking the piss out of his mum for asking her to babysit and basically insinuated I was cramping his style. I had rung some friends to ask for a lift with them and then had to ring them and say he basically didn't want me to come. I was humiliated, my son was upset and we packed our stuff and got a taxi home. An hour later when it was too late and I had cried my eyes out and was in pjs he rang and said I could come!I was fuming. To cut a long story short I got pissed with my neighbour who is going through divorce, got paranoid and jealous about the fact he didn't want me there and knew these girls ten years younger than me were out and put my profile on a dating site. It was out of sheer fury and because my neighbour egged me on. The prpofile was aggresive and basically described him and that I wanted commitment etcNext day mothers day he wouldn't take my son to football as he usually did as he had been up all night drinking and then was meant to come and take me for lunch and "fell asleep" so I said not to bother.Hadn't even went on dating site. It was just an outlet at the time.Cut a long story short I forgot about it and was far too busy to think about it as was on tenderhooks waiting on news of a new job and days later his friend found profile on there and he dumped me without letting me explain.He said I am a hooker and have pimped myself and humiliated him. Have tried to explain that I done it out of fury, I got rid of it as soon as I remembered, and would never have acted on it. I have sent him a long email. I would never have cheated on him. It was an outlet and a "sod him" thing to do.He said it is unforgiveable.I then found his facebook account, he has been flirting with this girl a lot younger than me for months. She has been calling him a "dirty, dirty boy" etc and the messages were posted nearly every night.He claims he's not interested. Firstly he said it was a mate's sister, and then some girl he bumped into in the pub once - but suddenly they are emailing every night. she even knew what day he was getting his new car. This is during time he was meant to be doing home improvements and he said he was too busy.I dont know if there is anything in it but I said to him surely by saying he was single on there he was advertising himself? He also has myspace where he takes pics of himself with foam on his face in bath and puts them on - most likely to get attention - why else?I am gutted. I love this man and finally thought we were having a life together.My friends all say no wonder I did something like that, and that it's not the worst thing to do in the world but I need some objective advice. I keep beating myself up over it.I want him back, have been ringing and texting not begging but just to talk occasionally. Haven't done so for a day now and trying to keep strong.he says he has done all his crying and is over me.That hurts.
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divorce, escort, facebook, flirt, jealous, myspace, neighbour, text Reply to this Question |
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your comments.Dearkelia - I think you are right about the dating site being an excuse, although I dont think he was cheating. I dont think he is ready to grow up yet and I'm sick of waitinglaura1318 - thank you, I have spent the day in tatters at work which was not good. I have good days and bad days, although mostly badrythym and blues 2 - yes he is a pathetic individual and as much as I like a night out now and again I need something more than alcohol to amuse me, and I have lowered myself, No moreAriel - yes, I need to have more respect for myself., I am a smart intelligent women and I dont need to be treated like that. Yes I made a mistake but I was pushed to the limitthanks again all, after a day of agony and not wondering how I will get through it I have pulled myself together, put my glad rags on and am going out with a friend for a night out, as my son is with his dad for weekend.Did have to force myself to get ready and dont really want to go and my eyes are red with crying but its got to be better than sobbing into a glass of wine all night!!
A
female
reader, ariel +, writes (22 March 2008):
 'We teach people how to treat us by the way in which we treat ourselves.’ I don’t mean to sound patronizing, but its time to take control of your feelings. What has he done for you lately? He is selfish, disrespectful and treats your little boy like crap. He might tell you he loves you but his actions are showing you something completely different. It looks like you want commitment and he wants none of it. Stop wasting your life on this guy, he needs to grow up. The two of you are on different paths and that only spells disaster.
I know it’s painful and you have given up a lot for him. I think he has been trying to end your relationship for a while now, hence his behavior. Stop calling and texting him We all deserve love and there is plenty out there. By commanding respect for yourself and not settling for less, you will attract the kind of man who will cherish you and treat you the way that you deserve.
Close your eyes and remember why you are unhappy right now. It’s not because he ended it. It’s because he has not treated you the way you wanted to be treated.
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2  + ♥, writes (22 March 2008):
 I don't have much to help you here except why do you think things are great lately? He sounds like a real jerk to me.
He drinks to the point of being pissed frequently
He advertises himself as single on social sites on the net
He abuses you in front of your son and screams and yells at your son telling him that his father doesn't want him.
Anyone who would do that to a child doesn't deserve to live (just kidding) but he is changing who your child is forever by eroding his self esteem.
He is still hanging out with other women when you are not around and telling you it is a boy's night out.
He hangs out in pubs as his form of entertainment
He is 30-35 years old acting like a 20 year old.
He did not take your son somewhere as planned because he is a drunk.
He called you a hooker.
He has an explosive temper and he breaks things of value when he is angry to terrorize you and control you.
You have been putting up with this guy for 5 years, that is five years too long.
You are now snooping around trying to find stuff on him, you don't trust him and you are bringing yourself DOWN to his level getting pissed and advertising on single dating sites...
Where is it exactly that this relationship is going so well?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (22 March 2008):
 Right now , you can only crawl into your shell and cry your heart out and grief all you can.
I think you should call a 'time out' in your relationship and let things cool down first.
If he contacts you again, then you will have a chance .
Otherwise, he is not meant for you even if you find him great.
When you have reached a watershed in your relationship,
it can only mean separate ways.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): I know you are right but in a lot of ways he was always great, But he just wont take responsibility for anything. He refuses to think about why I would do it. There seems to be a lot of double standards.Its so hard after spending such a chunk of my life with him and I just dread if I ever am ok going through the whole dating thing again. The thought makes me feel ill because at the moment I just want to be with him.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja + ♥, writes (22 March 2008):
 I think you are well rid of him. I am pretty sure he used the dating site to find a way to break up with you and that he was "cheating" at least in thought all along. This man acted ver poorly in front of your son and he is NOT the kind of man you want around raising a young boy. He will only eat away at his self esteem by saying negative things about him.
I know this is hard but you really need to let him go and stop contacting him. He is not a wonderful man and you can do so much better than him. Cry and try to move on.
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