A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ex bf went to prison. It was severe emotional abuse for four years before that. I told him I will help him without any expectations. But he asked for a relationship again. He came out of prison, ran back to his ex-wife, humiliated me before other girls on phone. I clearly heard the girl laugh when he was threatening to beat my ass in anger. He told me I imagined it. Then the girl sent a small clip of a man spanking a woman. He chuckled and said, " I imagine why she would send me that...". I finally moved away to another state. I am not able to get over him. I had an emotional breakdown today. I dont want to get back the money I have spent on him. I just would like to move on. Due to my culture, I hadn't dated much. He has threatened restraining order if I ever contact him again. Now that he is out of prison, he doesnt need me any more I am asking for tough love. I don't mind how harsh you dish it out to me. Please help me get my life together again. I am starting counseling as well.
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emotionally abusive, ex-wife, his ex, money, move on Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (27 March 2019):
 Sweetheart, you need LOVE, not TOUGH love. You seem to have very mixed up views of what love is and how someone who loves you treats you. This man NEVER loved you. He USED you and ABUSED you. There is a huge huge difference.
Step 1: Permanently remove ALL physical reminders of him from your life. If you have ANYTHING physical left which was his or you associate with him, burn it or take it to the tip. And I do mean ANYTHING, no matter how small. I promise you will find this very cathartic.
Step 2: Permanently remove ALL contact details for him. If he contacts you again (abusers often do), BLOCK his number immediately.
Step 3: Remove any conversations with him or associated with him from your phone, any photos, any videos.
In other words, ERASE him from your life ENTIRELY. This in itself will make you feel better.
I am glad to hear you are getting counselling. You need to work out why you think you are not worth better than this lowlife you INVITED to use you.
I think it will also help if you take responsibility for what happened and accept you CHOSE to allow him to use you. Therefore, you have a CHOICE about how you move forward. You can CHOOSE to erase all evidence of him from your life and to make better CHOICES in the future.
In summary: stay strong. Work through your therapy. Concentrate on healing from this dreadful experience while accepting you had a choice in what happened. Promise yourself you will never allow yourself to be abused in this way again. Remind yourself every day that you ARE worth so much better and you WILL find it.
Sending hugs.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2019): Lets get inside your head. Low self-esteem is definitely an issue here. All this nonsensical-love for a man who beats, humiliates, and emotionally-abuses you; who doesn't deserve unconditional-love, is inexplicable. You don't seem to believe you deserve anything better. If you had to explain why and what you're so in-love with? My guess is, you couldn't explain it. He doesn't do anything to make you love him.
Your love isn't real. It is delusional. He doesn't love you; and he wouldn't hesitate to hurt you. Too bad he got out of jail. Good thing he wants nothing to do with you. Proof there is a God. He may have another female willing to take care of him; but if he finds out where you're living, he'll come knocking someday. Would you be foolish enough to let the devil in? I promise you it will be more of the same, and he will finish you. There will be nothing left to fix.
Your feelings for him isn't love. He punishes you. You hate yourself so much that you feel that's what you deserve. You're too lazy to go through what it would take to find a new relationship. You feel too damaged and flawed for anyone to appreciate you. That's the sign of a broken-spirit. The light has been drained from your soul. There's still a flicker of candle-light left. Only because his going to jail saved you!
I guess that might be a little true; because men like that piece of prison trash usually drag a woman down to rock-bottom before they're finished with them. They'll take her money, use her body, mess-up her mind; then tell her how no-good she is. To make matters even worse, he laughs at you!
You might have hit rock-bottom, but God is the rock at your bottom. I hope you know that. You'll rise-up again. You'll find your way.
Find yourself a place of worship. Even if you don't believe in God, you need someone to pray for you; and to teach you to pray. You need to restore hope, know what you're worth, and learn to love yourself only the way God can show you.
Go to counseling, but you also have to heal your soul. That demon ripped you from the inside out; and stole a big piece of your soul. He has broken your spirit. You're not helpless, you're just broken. You can be fixed. Whether you believe in God or not; that's who pulled that demon off your back. God! That devil of a man made you believe you loved him, but not yourself. The devil is a liar.
You need to be around strong women to help you feel yourself again. To relate to your suffering, and to give you empathy...not pity. To give you emotional-support that only women can give, because you're designed to bring forth life. To nurture life with a maternal-instinct. So you need to have an example to reset your development towards being a strong woman.
You've got what it takes, but you need women around you to make you remember that. Not a man. Not yet. Hopefully your counselor is female.
I don't think you need a male-counselor right-now. You're too emotionally-vulnerable. A man wouldn't be able to put himself in your shoes. Only a woman could understand. A man would be able to intellectualize; but not rebuild you as a woman emotionally. You were torn-down by a man. A male-therapist could help you to develop a better way to control your feelings; which would help you to yield less to your emotion, and more to your sense of logic. Help you to trust men again. I recommend counseling from a female first.
You said that convict doesn't need you anymore. He never needed you. You appointed yourself as his caretaker. He may have used you, because you were too willing to be used; but in the end, he had to go. Not by his own choosing. It was divine intervention. God is watching over you. You're still alive, and cognizant enough seek help.
I think you might need to hear he's no good. If you think you love him, you'll dismiss that fact. You'll delude yourself into forgiving him; and inviting him back into your life. Forgive him, but never set eyes on him again. Forgiveness will set you free. Freedom will lead to your independence. Your servitude to the master is over. If you want to serve someone, and love someone unconditionally; take a chance with faith. If you've never tried it, you can't knock it.
God bless you, and may He lead you to healing, love, and mercy. May he help you to regain your power and strength as a person. He will supply all your needs. Even if you never consider seeking worship, this prayer for you is on me!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 March 2019):
 Focus on you. Rebuilding your life from the socks up.
So where do you start?
Well, counseling is good. That way you can work through WHY you felt a NEED to help a guy who hurt you like that. That is really what you need to figure out. WHY you ALLOWED someone to treat you like crap. An do not go looking for a date until you feel you understand what happened and HOW to AVOID repeating the same mistake and choice of man.
Do you belong to a church? IF so, talk to your priest, pastor, rabbi, etc. Volunteer in helping others. Perhaps at a woman's shelter or start with something simpler like an animal shelter.
Do you work? If not, find a job. Maybe look into taking some classes to help you improve you skills.
Do you have hobbies? It might be something you have done in ages or something new. Pick that up and see how it makes you feel.
You don't NEED him in your life. Someone who treated you like a verbal punching bag is NOT someone WORTHY of being around you.
Keep focusing on building a life you would want to have and be the person you can be.
You don't NEED any of us to tell you that HE was NO good. But you might need to hear that YOU deserve better.
Learn to LOVE yourself. You deserve that too.
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